Well i had a pretty good weekend, but the whole time i was trying to escape what my problems were, what i was supposed to be feeling, what i wanted to feel. It was as if I was standing in front of multiple doors, one door would force me to deal with problems, another would make me stress out about school,etc., and i was just standing in front of these doors and refusing to go in. I stopped thinking. I refused to think. So I allowed myself to float, and be disconnected with who i was. I functioned like a human, but I would ignored the persistence of my mind to think. I was sick of stress, overprocessing everything, having to make decisions where there were two right answers.I have an obsession to find good conversation, to be educated in some new, fresh way; and in turn, each day becomes a surprise. From whom will I learn next? What will be discovered?How will i find it?It's a perplexing passion of mine...And the strange thing, is that I wanted only one good intellectual conversation from a distinct person. I knew i could have a philosophical chat with a plethora of people, but yet they all left me dissatisfied. [I think i could be off, but are you trying to starve me now?]
I wish I could be continously happy. and it's not that i am depressed or anything because of circumstances in my life, for which i could be, but i have no joy. I'm grateful for things that i have in my life, to the point of stress, but i am still rather empty. and i know that only one thing can give me joy, can fulfill all of my needs. and that is God. but i know that there is always a cost. i will have to put away what i want, and how i like to live, in order to receive His peace and joy. All of my life, I never wanted to be stagnant or religious. Religion is the breeding ground for death. Knowledge about God is not the same as knowing Him. And i knew that when i moved out here it would be a test for me. I did that on purpose on myself. To see how strong i really was. Could i survive in a place where i could fulfill any lustful desire and let my wants absorb me? Would the reality of God still capture my heart? Would I treasure His presence still and chase after him?All i want is the reality of God in my life again. I want to feel God's love again. That unconditional love. The irony of it all, is that it is up to me. God is always there with his arms wide open waiting for us to come to him. But we choose not to come to him, because we think we have sinned too much, or he won't accept us, or we aren't good enough. He's just happy that we came to Him. The most happiest times in my life was when i was fully in love with Him. God, I need you, your reality. Reveal yourself to me once again. Set me free.11:16 AM 0 Falling Stars
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