It's fascinating how you just live day to day, and then randomly life just turns your world upside down-you're brother gets in a car accident, your aunt is internally bleeding and might not live for another 3 days, and your mom has to make an emergency trip to Russia. You just think to yourself, "Such is life." Unexpected events that force you to take unforseen actions. Yet, even in such adversity, I ponder how enigmatic and strangely beautiful life is- even when it isn't ethereal. For life to have such power over us is wonderfully baffling. As much as these events seem random, incidental circumstances are not simply just happenstance. Although our finite minds might not be able to comprehend why things happen or the purpose behind everything, life is a complex network. One event triggers another, and the correlation between the events is usually unknown to the human. Possibly even, a triggered event activates another circumstance in another being's life. Most of us as humans, are guided by our emotions; therefore a horrible occurence will cause one to go into a state of depression or sorrow. Yet, what if at that moment in time, as painful as it is, we understood that this event was a part of a higher, complex master plan- a plan that we have a part in. Possibly, for this period of time our life was needed to be used for something else to be triggered or released- and eventually something good and beautiful would emerge-because life is good and it always returns to it's original state of balance.
7:08 PM 0 Falling Stars Merry Christmas!
Find something wonderful to give this season.
2:04 PM 0 Falling Stars
This is called Spring, and it's actually unfinished. I tried to convey the progression of life and all that's living. Ultimately, in life we are to accept change and grow into the newness of life.
6:46 PM
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The Piano was very hard for me to draw, it's secretly unsymmetrical, but it was my second attempt at canvasing. I like to challenge myself with something that is above my limits, and thus the piano was born.
6:34 PM
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The Enlightenment's canvas was originally not a rectangle, more of a semi-triangle. This was my first attempt at canvasing. I started with the circular motion of blues and progressed from there. I really like this painting because it is up for interpretation.
6:11 PM
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This picture is called Elena. The original was a black and white photo of a gorgeous woman. Ya tebya lublu mama.
5:59 PM
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under this painting is a picture of a tree and a path. while I was painting, my course of creativity shifted and I began to paint what my body was feeling. Thus, the creation of The Wave. To feel the dynamics of the paint brush was enthralling
5:56 PM
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Ti znaesh kto ti est,
bratishka
I've been thinking about this so much lately, and it pains me to see what you've become, what our relationship has become. Where did that boy go who would play dolls with me even though his friends said it was uncool? Where did that teenager go who would act silly with me and talk about life issues long into the night? Do you remember our weekly chats on life? How enriching they were. I never needed anyone, I always had you. Where did that young man go who would say, Masha, let's spend time together.
I've missed you so much. The real you. It's really unexplainable; I used to take you for granted, thinking you would always be this way. And believe me, i know that love screwed you over- twice, in fact. You've become cold and calloused towards the world, setting unreachable standards for you and everyone around you. I know that your friends left you- or wait, were they ever there to begin with? and the few friends who have been loyal, have sucked you into the suffocating spiral of paradoxal conformity-conformity to the russian culture. Please understand me, I am absolutely devoted to Russia, russian culture, a russian way of life,etc...but you have taken it to the next level: don't talk to me in anything but russian, russian movies are the best, russian techno (although good) is the best, russian slang is the new language, what's the point of hanging out with anyone who isn't russian? and the list goes on and on. You are tipping the scales at a dangerous angle.
I don't know how to find you. where are you? where did you go? come back to me. Please. I beg of you. The person who is looking at me is some kind of distorted image of who our dad once was and some mafia wanna be impersonator. I know, i know...you don't see it this way. You never smile any more. You find my random gushes of silliness reviling. You have to find time to pencil me into your day. In our perfect world, we were always equal gods. Now you have some how become Zeus. Dictating what must be done, and what will be done- or you'll throw a lightning bolt.
All I ask, is that you would look deep into yourself, and ask, are you happy with what you've become? just do it for me. Find yourself once again. Find that boy who could be silly and wasn't worried about what people thought of him; the boy who could laugh at himself. The boy who knew that love was enough; that fame, money, power could never buy the transcendental depth of knowing that you are free and complete.
Find yourself again.
2:15 AM 0 Falling Stars
muir woods
12:03 AM
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the pacific
12:03 AM
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Friday, December 17, 2004
It's SO good to be home...2 months away at school has reminded how much I miss California and my family and people who you really care about. There is something so powerful when the whole family is connected-a rebirth of love is experienced.It's so important for us, as humans, to have a dose of this happiness in our lives. I don't remember the last time I was so happy and content. It's as if everything around me is perfect, and life is so wonderful. I'm almost scared to write this, and then something awful will happen, and it will evaporate.
home
It's a bit surreal that I will be here for a whole month, working in the same coffee shop, going shopping in San Fran, hanging out with my friends. I'm going to become the old me again; to climb back into that shell that Masha knew how to live in so well-albeit the shell bred depression and dissatisfication.
After finishing my first semester of college, I can truly say that I am a different person; my mind is different, and that directs the rest of my body. I look on the world in a new, unconventional way.
Also, I have a new obsession: to find higher levels of conversation with people. It's as if I am searching for people who will fulfill that passion...to have a good conversation, to be educated in some new, fresh way; and in turn, each day becomes a surprise. From whom will I learn next? What will be discovered?How will i find it?
7:47 PM 1 Falling Stars " When two people are connecting, they hunger for information about each other, a sliver of what life is like when you're not together, a glimpse into their past, a peek into their mind, all in hopes of getting under their skin"
1:43 PM 0 Falling Stars Sometimes, it is so apalling how much your friends really don't anything about you. Correction: not apalling, just pure irritating. It's an interesting feeling to float through life, and be detached from people. They pretend to care about you (if you even get that much), and you inturn masquerade interest as well. Both parties part with a fabricated feeling of accomplishment. Why is the world so self-centered and superficial?! Has it always been this way?
Encountering so much counterfeit kindness makes one unable to receive genuine benevolence. In the back of your mind, you are always thinking, this isn't real; they are just being fake. Why would anybody be so caring? and where does one get this real affection?
How does one break away from this binding mentality? To leave the world of never ending faithlessness and apprehension. To escape from the prison of distrust. To be free. To love.
6:51 PM 1 Falling Stars
the opening
12:08 PM
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Wednesday, December 08, 2004
1.deletedabout me
2. What are you listening to right now: Enya...
3. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? dorm 05 cell 21
4. What was the last thing you ate: Tuna sandwich..yummy!
5. If you were a crayon what color would you be? Magenta
6. How is the weather right now: not too bad...cold though...I hate the drastic change
7. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex: height and eyes
8. Favorite Food: Russian
9. Favorite Drink: Raspberry Iced Tea
10. Favorite place to shop: Old Navy, Aeropostale, and I love little stores with unique things...it makes shopping more fun and nobody else has my stuff!
11.Hair Color: blonde with highlights
12. Eye Color: they change with the seasons...blue,green,grey
13. Do you wear contacts: Yep
14. Glasses: Yep
15. Favorite Month: January because you get to wear all of your cute warm clothes!
16. Favorite Fast Food: TACO BELL!!!
17. Last Movie you Watched: Ocean's 12...rather entertaining
18. Favorite Day of the Year: My B-day of course (October 19)!
19. Are you too shy to ask someone out: Nope but that's not the way I do things
20. Summer or Winter: Winter
21.Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate!
22. What books are you reading: The Birth of Venus,How to Talk to A Liberal...I like to read a couple of books at once...
23.Favorite Board Game: Monopoly if smart people are playing, and Risk if charismatic people are playing
24.Who inspires you: Nobody really, but my mom is really amazing..Marie Curie was an extraordinary woman.
25. Butter, Plain, or salted popcorn: Butter!
26.Favorite Flower: Bird of Paradise
27.Do you still talk to your best friend from middle school? Didn't have a best friend in middle school
28. What's on your desk? School books, cds, printer, laptop, pens, water bottles...I hate it when I'm disorganized
29. Rock Concert or Symphony: Symphony
30. Play or Opera: Play
31. Have you ever fired a gun: Nope, and I don't really plan on doing so
32. Do you like to travel by plane? It's not whether I like to or not, it's a mode of transportation
33. Right-handed or Left-handed: Right
34.City & State you were born in: Sochi, Russia11:15 PM 0 Falling Stars
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I agree that cellphones can be used for conversations, emergencies, etc. Yet, society has become so ridiculously attached to them that it would be an apocalypse if they all of the sudden stopped working. As for me, I would rather like to think that I am detached from them; checking voice mail is such a mundane task, and I never hear the end of " your cellphone is never turned on?!".
cellphones
Secondly, somewhere in the transitional stage of my 18 years, I have completely lost the ability to multi task. Being a person who excels at so many things, I rather shock myself when I can't perform multiple functions at the same time. All of this digression, leads me to a rather humorous story.
On Sunday evening I was in the Emory library, rather bored, as well as fidgety. There was nobody around me except for my friend and a lone graduate student. I finally started reading, when my cellphone vibrates. I pick up the phone, and since the person on the other end is talking at a raised voice level, I instinctively raise mine too. But I'm in a library. The grad student looks rather annoyed, and my friend tells me to quiet down. I get up looking for the quickest exit. Ah, a door leading to a staircase. Maybe I can just sit on the steps... BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,BEEP,BEEP. I obviously didn't read the sign that said :" do not open this door, or else the alarm will go off". Needless to say, the alarm is ringing like crazy. I hang up the phone, a bit flustered but not embarrassed about the incident. Maybe the sign should've been bigger. And what's the point of an exit door if it's really not an exit door but a manipulative safety precaution?! I sit back down. Now, the grad student is really annoyed. I give him an uneasy grin. I decide not to alert anyone of the alarm, or the fact that I set it off. In my eyes, it was an accident, and the Emory personnel can deal with it themselves. My friend, seeing that as completly unacceptable, takes it upon herself to alert the Emory staff, that she thinks "somebody accidentally opened the door". She comes back to find me, just casually reading my book, trying not to smile or crack up laughing. The grad student- extremely annoyed-packs up his laptop and exits the study hall, wonderfully for me, making it look like he set off the alarm. Six minutes later, a staff member, finally decides to shut off the alarm. I don't know why I felt like sharing this story. Perhaps, it's because I can still hear the alarm ringing in my ear.
Multitasking + cellphones = disaster
1:32 AM 0 Falling Stars
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