Blogger has become more of a secondary source of emotional output for me, but I think i really need to blog about this.Let's just start with the fact that I didn't think I would have anxiety about going back to school but I do. It's my third year...I'm a junior already...I remember starting this blog just in my first few months of freshman year at college...wow does time fly...one of my friends decided to take off a semester, another just got back from Europe telling me all about it's wonders, and quite honestly...i am NOT looking forward to packing, FLYING!, unpacking my whole dorm room, being alone again, seeing everybody, being shoved into a routine, and so much more...don't get me wrong, I love writing articles, papers, doing analysis work, but I've also had a really great summer...much to the dismay of my parents who think that I have done practially nothing, I think I had a very fulfilling and personally stimulating summer. I boosted up my resume with my internship at the District Attorney's office, I started writing a book--a life goal of mine, I strengthened good friendships and let go of other ones, had a couple of amazing weeks with a person who, let's just say, i've never met anyone like him, and completely fell in love with San Francisco. Now, I'm going back to sweaty hot Atlanta, I'll be away from my family, away from my friends, away from San Francisco :(
I'm sure this is all normal to process, but there would be nothing better than to just stop everything, and go and travel around Europe for three months, writing my book, writing articles, meeting people, seeing A*...but that's not real life.
Okay, onto topic numero dos. A* emailed me on Monday, and I hadn't talked to him until today when he text messaged me. But, between Monday and Thursday I thought about him a lot, but I also thought about the flip side of everything. How hard it is to hear from him, or get an email/talk on MSN Messenger, then to go days after carrying around these feelings but not being able to have a flow of constancy. So I began to think, is there a point in holding on? I mean like i've said, we have two continents shoved in between us, our lives are going completely opposite directions, and what are the chances of something happening anyway? I like the quote that says, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesn't, it never was." And i do believe in that. It's hard carrying something around and feeling like it's going no where; and in a sense tying you down. But, whatever it is, these feelings, this unique emotion, i guess you could say, is it all worth it in the end, in the middle, for a short moment? So i got a text message this morning, and I wasn't as elated as I usually am, and then I thought, Oh God, are my wonderful feelings leaving me? Towards the end of the day, I realized no, they aren't. They're here to stay for quite sometime, but I don't know if I can go on just doing this "friends but not friends" thing and not really knowing what he feels or what he thinks. I'm not one of those people who can just be casual and nonchalant about relationships. I prefer to invest, and quite frankly I don't know any other way. Either I nurture something or I'm void of feelings for someone and throw my energy and focus into something else. I don't even know how all of this took off--almost without my knowing? My heart kept itself hidden from my mind, and now the mind has finally realized the situation and is interfering I guess. Why can't things just be? Why do things have to be so complicated? Why do we stop at fear, at insecurity, at misunderstanding, at miscommunication, lack of communication,etc? Why can't our feelings just keep pushing us and carrying us past all of that? Why are some of us so careful and cautious while others throw themselves into the wind and say, "do what you want with me, I am yours"? You know what, for now I guess I'm going to keep going, no matter how difficult it is becoming.
8:04 PM 2 Falling Stars
Friday, August 11, 2006
I had a free moment so I thought I would write a little. Updates with the book: I finished Part I, approximately 25,000 words...which is about 60 pages double spaced. I am a little winded though, so i'm taking a few days off to recooperate...and switch gears and get into the right mind frame since I am switching narrators (eek!). Part II will begin soon.free moment
Well, the Summer is winding down, and I'm getting ready for Atlanta. I applied to the Switzerland Study Abroad Program for this spring, so that is something to look forward to, and hopefully i'll get in.
Me and A* have been in contact, but he was sick, just started his job again, and is/was (perpetually) busy...so times are slim once again. It's so rare to find someone who encompasses so many qualities that you admire and want in that significant other, but naturally life has to shove two continents between us. We'll see what happens though....
My internship at the District Attorney's office is also coming to an end (Yes!). And I've realized that computer type work is NOT for me. I initially thought that writing motions would be interesting, but i was definitely wrong. Now, they've got me on the phones talking to recorded machines, being passed around from person to person, and of course the infamous "hold" button.
This was just a weird week for me....I hope they don't all start becoming like that, until the day i leave for Atlanta...yeah, i can definitely feel this is the end of the summer.
10:53 PM 1 Falling Stars
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