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Sunday, January 30, 2005

oh serenity, where art thou?
8:27 PM

1 Falling Stars

why do people choose to take life detours? When you care so much about someone, you see the beauty in them, and what lies ahead of them- the good, the wonderful, the best. why? oh why take the opposite road. Mistakes are mistakes. That's what they are. For some, they learn from others' mistakes, for others, they are the people that make them. So you have a great time with them, and you think, wow, i'm really dissapointed that the day is over. You are filled with hope for the future. and then...the mistake. And you think, oh but why? nnnoooo....take it back....why?WHY? and then you know, it's coming...and you feel like something hits you over the head, and something stabs you...because you know that you will take it like a personal hit...doesn't he want what you want? and all you want to do is close up, and shut yourself in...the walls are coming up, getting closer together, boxing you in...but you don't want it because it was so nice, how do i stop it? nobody ever taught me how to stop the walls from coming up...crap, now i have to build trust...how irritating...but it's life...life is showing me it's other face...i've had so much good the first 18 years...now it's time for equilibrium...i wish i could use my selective memory powers...it never happened...oh but it did...crap crap CRAP...it gains the more it gives...can't you see that all of that stuff's a sideshow? well, since it's taken me this long to write this, i already feel better. God, i wish i could just have the right response...and not let him think that he's always dissapointing me. I just wish that he could get closer to You. then he would know how good You are, and how wonderful it is to be with You, and that there is nothing in the world that could trade that. just work in him, use this circumstance to build him up into the man that You see him to be. I wish the world wouldn't have such a grip on him, but with your help he will come out of it...all in Your timing, in Your way. He will be a new person- reaching his highest potential.
4:41 PM

0 Falling Stars

I never realized how much I really love solitude. To be alone, with no outside distractions. To do what you want to do without people inhibiting these longings. To turn the music on as loud as I desire, and play the same cd 5,10,20 times. To go to sleep with a peaceful silence. To wake up to beautiful aloneness. To look out the window, and decide what kind of day today will be. Delightful serenity.
12:19 PM

0 Falling Stars
Friday, January 28, 2005

one more thing...
never tell people your worst fears...if they ask you...tell them, you can tell them, but then you would have to kill them...so they need to think over the value of their life...
why you ask?
your worst fear is the inner most chamber where all of your anxiety, trauma, paranoia, disquietedness,etc takes place. Do they really wish to stir up this Pandora's Box of unrested spirits?
1:51 AM

0 Falling Stars
whatever i write next could possibly be completely incoherent and pure rambling, but at least these are the pure streams of thoughts coming through my brain. First, i am one of the least confrontational people, and the tension with my roommate has now elevated to the status where i can cut it with a knife. I have a weird feeling that the head of student affairs sent her an email explaining my side of the situation and she's pissed off. That's one thing i can't live with. Tension. It starts to kill me. I begin to not know what to do with myself. Ignore? play along? be mad? be upset? confront it? Two days ago we were close, talked about everything, now she hardly says a word to me, and after she purposefully turned off the lights when i was doing my work, when she never cared before, now i know. I get it okay. Secondly, i was having a normal conversation with one of my close friends, and we started to divulge into standards and physical aspects of a relationship. Now my standards are apparently very high because i uphold purity and integrity, something that there is a lack of these days. Well after being told that i reason like a 12 year old, and that i am "different" and "inexperienced" (whatever that is exactly supposed to mean), i feel completely stupid. I mean is it that hard to understand? I would hope not, but apparently it is. The replies I received succeeded in completely making me feel like a weirdo falling off of the face of the known world. Things that i uphold as beautiful, rare, wonderful, were in a sense soiled, and said "impossible" to adhere to. To make matters worse apparently "99% of the guys would be frustrated with my standards"- that comment was like rubbing sand all over my face when i had just put on sunscreen. I think the final straw came for me was when it was told to me that i am "inpenetratable"...oh great, now i am a rock... a callous, unfeeling, mass of flesh walking around...god stop crying, how embarrassing...well that's retarded, i'm so paranoid, i'm even paranoid about embarrassing myself...what have i become?? i just need to crawl to the shower, where at least water can wash away the stress of life...So naturally I needed someone to talk to when somebody makes me feel this retarded- and just to my luck, nobody is available...my brother didn't help much...and i wanted to talk to nyssa but my roommate with her NEW best friend were in my room and i definitely did not want to start explaining my saddness...i wish there was a special inter-language that i could just turn on and use when necessary. I was so desperate, that i told her in RUSSIAN (her russian is at the level of a 6 year old) that i could not talk because my roommate was in the room...and she got it thank god! I know my friend didn't mean to make me feel this way, but this is how it happened...And now it is 1 am, and i haven't done my Euclidian homework...fantastic...this has been one hell of a week...for me, for my family,etc...such is life...LIFE LIFE LIFE...to just shut my eyes and escape...i'm running away, far away...back to safety. You are safe, wipe those tears away...you are safe now...it's okay...you just forgot who you are..you are wonderful, your standards are the right standards...okay, phewf, i am back in my sanctuary.back in my world....
12:35 AM

0 Falling Stars
Tuesday, January 25, 2005





You Are 27 Years Old



27





Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.



What Age Do You Act?


i always knew that biological age was all relative...
11:56 AM

0 Falling Stars
Friday, January 21, 2005

I thought I used to have a really good sense of direction. Well I was wrong. So, Friday night, my wonderful friend Marina, offers to give me a ride up to Alpharetta. We decide to leave at 5 so "we don't hit the traffic". Now, normally it takes about 45min-1 hr. to get to Alpharetta. So we start out chatting, excited, etc. Half way into the drive, Marina asks me if I know where we are going.
"I thought you remembered how to get there?"
"No."
"Well I guess we'll just have to figure it out."
"Okay."
As Marina keeps chatting, I look at an exit sign, and think, that looks really familiar, like, oh i don't know, maybe the one we have to take?!
Sure enough, that was the exit. We keep driving until we hit Atlanta. Two signs pop up: 85N, and 75N. I vaguely remembered having a conversation with my friend, Olga, that if anything take 85N. So we proceed to take that, of course never thinking that we would have to turn off somewhere; an hour later we find ourselves lost and in an unknown part of Georgia. What to do? Turn around and head back to Atlanta. So we try 75N, and this time we end up in the hickest place ever- Winder,GA. We stop by a gas station to fill up, as we enter the quick mart, a nauseating smell hits my nose- the combination of tobacco and cleaning products. To my right, the local town folk are playing the slot machines inside of this quick mart. Apparently this is the happening place in Winder. I begin to feel lightheaded- I swear I was burning brain cells by the second. After figuring out directions from a rough, country girl we head back. Marina almost hits a median, and a truck almost runs us off the road. What can I say? Good times. Apparently, the right directions are 85N and then 75N. Well, you guessed it, we end up on some god forsaken road again. I finally call Olga, to tell her that we are lost again, and that we can't figure out how to get to Alpharetta for the life of us. What should of taken us 50 min. turned into a 4 hour drive. Marina, you are awesome for putting up with all of that!
10:59 PM

0 Falling Stars
Sunday, January 16, 2005

Well, I am back in Georgia now, and I already feel myself changing again. I am not the same girl who left California- the doors of freedom are wide open for me, and yet I feel lonely. Almost as one stranded out in an unknown place. But I've done this before, and I know what to expect. I can't decided which life I like better: my old life where it is so confining and supressive, but at the same time where I feel the most loved, or my new life where everything is before me to touch and experience and grow, but the experiences shared are with myself. I haven't decided yet which one I want to fully invest myself in. I know I will end up choosing my new life, but sometimes it's just so lonesome...where are those friendships that I will cherish for the rest of my days? those people who will know what my true passions and dislikes are?Once again, the search begins...
12:07 AM

0 Falling Stars
Saturday, January 15, 2005

I was pondering death and how my aunt's death will affect my mom. It just struck me that she is changed forever. She won't be the same mom that I have always known; and I can't expect her to be. I don't even have any idea what she is really going through. I can only imagine that it's like a piece of your heart being ripped out of you- a place where loving and beautiful memories and feelings were shared- and buried away forever. Of course, time will mend the pain and agony, but you can never regrow that place back in your heart. Wonderful, lasting memories are the balm that forever nurture that sensitive wound. When I came home for winter break, I wrote that everything was so serene and perfect, that I was scared that something awful would happen because life is rarely so wonderful. Second, I was thinking back to the day before my mom left for Russia. We were going from mall to mall looking for a simple, yet touching gift for my aunt. We never found anything-my mom had multiple gifts for everyone, but none for my aunt. I guess she doesn't need them anymore anyways.
I know that one of the most painful things for me, is when I see my mom cry or in pain. I just can't stand it; I try to escape it, and I want to do anything to make her feel better. Yet now, I want her to know that she can cry and that I want to share her pain. I want to take some of the burden off of her shoulders and carry it with her. I just want her to feel that she is so loved and cherished. I thank God for giving me her; why was I privilged to get the best? the most loving? the most selfless? All I can say is Thank You. Ya tebya tak silno lubluu.
11:55 PM

0 Falling Stars
Thursday, January 13, 2005

Global Personality Test Results
Stability (53%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being calm and resilient and being anxious and reactive.
Orderliness (80%) high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (24%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


trait snapshot:
clean, secretive, does not make friends easily, observer, hates large parties, risk averse, perfectionist, reclusive, solitude loving, more practical than abstract, does not like to stand out, high self control, intellectual, mind over heart, very cautious, takes precautions, respects authority, irritable, emotionally sensitive


haha...i guess there are other people like me out there; except for the "does not make friends easily" and "emotionally sensitive" everything else is pretty accurate
10:26 PM

1 Falling Stars
Monday, January 10, 2005

So for the last couple of days, I didn't know what to write. You know how some things are so personal, you can't even write it. Your thoughts are consumed by it, but you can't bring yourself to write. Well, I've finally realized that I must write this so I will not forget. Last Thursday I had a dream. The dream itself was so picturesque that I felt like I was in a painting. In the dream, me and my mom were walking on a two lane highway; a forsaken highway, where only huge trucks drive on it occassionally. The land was a red, clay-like color and completely barren. It was if I was in the desert, and even cactuses couldn't grow there-possibly something like the barren lands of New Mexico. It was so hot, and it was disgusting breathing warm air. All I wanted was a breath of cool air. Yet, amidst all of this, the sky was a phenomenal color- crimson reds, golden yellows, rich oranges. All of the colors were intertwining, flowing together in unison. The harmony of the colors was amazing, and it grew even more so as the sun began to set. As we are walking, each lost in her own thoughts, my mom turns to me and says," Well, you know she won't be with us much longer. She's dying." With that, she turns and looks towards the sunset. Slowly, tears start to roll down my eyes. Hot, wet tears which turn into steady streams. I start to weep unabashedly, and the tears flow even harder until I begin to shake almost to the point where I fall on the ground. I remember watching myself in the dream, and slowly, me, in the dream, realizes that I am being watched. I stop shaking, the tears stop flowing as heavily, and I begin to wipe my eyes and gain composure. I wake up thinking that my aunt has really died.
Sunday night at 12 am, my dad tells me that things have turned for the worse and my mom has been called back to the hospital. At 12:30 am we receive a call: my aunt has died. Apparently, after the reacurring gastrointestinal bleeding, her blood pressure began to drop, and they found out that her lungs were filling up with water, and then her heart just over exerted itself, and stopped working.
And the circle is complete-began with life and ended with death. Gone. Just like that. One day she's here, and the next she's gone forever. Some say people live on through memories. Yet, with time memories die. It's a slow, gradual process- a subliminal chipping away. I just can't stop saying: She's gone.
My poor mother and grandmother. To out live your oldest daughter, and to see your sister pass away is something no one should ever experience. I thought, well if I pray more or act more serious towards it, maybe I could stop death. Was it really her time to go? At 53...that's it? Was it predestined for her to only live for 53 years, and then one day, that's it, she's gone? Or is death, really the beginning of life? A whole new life...
4:56 PM

1 Falling Stars
Saturday, January 01, 2005

New Year's Resolutions

What can I say? Another year has ended, and a new one begins. 2004 had it's exhilirating moments, and yet some brought me to the depths of depravity. Let's recap. January: tried to start my life anew-recovering from surgery, only to realize that in February I would go back to living my old life. March was so blah and boring that I can't remember even the slightest thing that happened. April: made my second trip out to Georgia...realized that i actually could live in the South. May: The only thing that made me smile was knowing that school would end and that chapter in my life would be forever closed; no longer would I have to deal with mediocrity and superficiality on a daily basis, and just knowing that made me happy. June: Finally graduated from daycare...a.ka. high school! I remember when I was 7 I thought I would never make it to 12th grade. It seemed sooo far away. One of the only things I'll remember about graduation is that the speaker messed up reading my name out loud. Say it with me Ree-you-tov-ski. July: became a workaholic and a religious tanner..good times with both-except for the burns. August: moved out to Georgia! one of the best things that ever happened in my life. One word: Liberation. October: BIG 1-8! Just knowing that i was 18, changed my life. An official adult. Music to my ears. Came back to CA for 4 days which felt like a dream-in and out. November: the only thing memorable was my very interesting Thanksgiving-don't think I want to have one like that again. And of course, December: finished the semester strong, came home to experience both happiness and also an eagerness to return to my new life.
I am not one to hold to my new year's resolutions. Getting in shape or living a healthier lifestyle only hold out for about 2 weeks. So this year I've resolved for something new. These resolutions have been thought out in advance to make sure that I would go through with them. These resolutions are more difficult than changing physical aspects, because they require one to change one's own flawed character. New Year's Resolutions: to stop judging people even on a subconscious level, and to become genuinely kind and sincere to all. Sometimes, all that people want is to know that somebody cares about them, about the small details in their life. I want to make a conscious effort to follow these aesthetics in the new year.
2:37 AM

0 Falling Stars

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