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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Well, the Anger Well is placid again. I even stretched out an olive branch to *E (naturally I was the only one aware of the olive branch since she had no idea that i was mad), and she invited me to dinner and cake for her birthday on monday!
And i'm not mad at my mother anymore either. I will continue trudging along with her on her path to recovery, however long that may take. I wrote a poem about her last night and it made me feel better; maybe i'll try doing that from now on, when i feel excruciating.
A couple good things happened:
My friend back home is having a baby boy!
And I think I saw the Beautiful Stranger the other day coming off the train. i wasn't sure if it was really him, because he was wearing glasses. But I stared at him, and he stared back at me...I turned to get one more glimpse of him, and I could see that he did the same. I don't know what to do; I could try catching that train again--maybe i'll do that tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
I am madly trying to finish my 30 page paper due next friday. I am currently on page 9, so send happy thoughts my way that I will have strength to finish it and that it will actually be good.
Oh, yes, i almost forgot.
This is probably one of the worst vicious cycles that I have been a part of, but I am still friends with my ex; the one back from Freshmen Year. When one of us is having a down day, or are bored, in a funk, etc, we always manage going down the path that is harmful. Mostly, because he has a girlfriend, and really, what's the point of discussing things that can't change?
Anyway, yesterday, apparently he was in a weird mood, procrastinating from studying, and we sometimes like to type out lyrics on AIM while we are chatting. It's quite fun actually. So he starts typing out the Duran Duran song "Is There Something I Should Know". And then all of the suddenly he says, "No, but seriously?" referring to the lyrics, as if he is really asking me them. The uncomfort level skyrocketed. Probably not for him, since he got to ask the question; but for me, since i was the one, who yet again, must answer the fun private questions. I didn't know how to twist out of it; so i started playing the lyrics game back. I am currently obsessed with Eskobar's Persona Gone Missing, and ironically, the lyrics were what i was trying to say. Finally, i just said, it's okay that i'm not going to answer, and just let the question of whether there was something i wanted to tell him (my feelings)? a. no, there wasn't anything. b. i don't owe him anything. c. it is my right to decline to answer, or to answer if i choose so. d. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. If he wants comfort and sweet words, get them from her. That's not my job, and I will not go down that path for the third time. Two was more than enough. I'm not paying concessions anymore.
4:13 PM

3 Falling Stars
Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Anger Well

Thoughts plagued my mind last night, not letting me fall asleep. Unfortunately, just when I had inspiration to write on blogger, the internet was down. After finally shutting off my computer I fell asleep.
Anyway, onto the post.
I believe that everyone has an Anger Well. Some draw from it frequently, while others' grows old, full of cobwebs and stale water. But it's still there; all it takes is for someone to find the Anger Well, send the ladel down, and create a stir.
My Anger Well has been very passive for a long time. A dormant volcanoe if you will. When I was a child I had anger issues, that I learned from my father. I watched and took notes: If you wanted something, you just exploded. For everyone else it seemed to get what they wanted. Of course, I just got disciplined. After many turbulent years with my Father, and working hard at covering the Anger Well and learning that patience and understanding are more beneficial than working one's self up into an unpleasant mood, my Anger Well has been very dormant. It's been nice, really.
But things stay dormant for only so long. Now, I'm not an advocate of the "shout and spit rude words" type of anger. That's just obnoxious and disrespectful. I am more of like the boiling--or almost boiling--tea kettle, sometimes the bubbling lava, the simmering pot of water. This type of anger usually goes unnoticed, and I'm the one left dealing with it. Naturally, the harm is only inflicted upon myself.
So, what I am saying after this unnecessarily long digression, is that my Anger Well has been tapped. And I present three angers today.
1. The childish anger. I am angry at *E for excluding me from their Prague trip. Even if it wasn't intentional (which I have yet to find out or not, and i really don't care about finding out), it still hurt. I probably will never get over my childhood and being rejected time and time again by friends. When it comes to friendships, i am an invalid. Not going to waste energy explaining this locked door in my heart.
2. I am angry that the shootings in VA Tech happened. What has the world come to? It's absolutely tragic and crazy. It's wrong beyond words can explain.
3. And the last. The hardest to admit. I am angry at my mother. I finally realized this last night. I realized that I cannot get better, as much as I have tried, because she is still broken after losing 3 family members. She is always sick, always in pain, still grieving. It has finally been illuminated to me. I worry about her so much, and she still hasn't gotten out of the place that she has been a year ago. And i know it's mean of me to demand things of her; but, do 100% what you can to get better, and then you can stop trying once and for all. We are all tired and exhausted. I just want to live and be happy. And I don't really know what that is anymore, because the person I talk to every day has forgotten what that is. The brightest spot in my world has become the darkest.
11:59 AM

2 Falling Stars
Sunday, April 15, 2007

I don't post much on here, but I can't bring myself to close it after 2 +years. It's the small corner of the (cyber) world that I can come to and use whenever necessary.
I just got back from Nice, France, Monaco, Genoa/Milan, Italy. Monaco was perfection, but artificial in a strange way. The lavishness and excess of the way people live is astounding, really. Kind of like you are in a museum, walking around, gaping.
I love italians! They are absolutely one of the most friendliest people on earth! Thus, I am inspired to learn italian.
Anyway, the study abroad program is slowly coming to an end. We have two more weeks to finish our 30 page thesis; and at first I laughed when i realized that we had a whole month to do it. Now, i'm not laughing. i am hyperventilating inside. We need 30 hours of interactive research (i.e. interviews) and 150 hours of writing and researching.
My topic is Russia's foreign policy and soft power approach towards the Ukraine, and maybe Georgia. The topic is too huge for 30 pages as I have come to find out, and b) i have NO interviews!
I hate waking up every morning and feeling the push and pressure to write this paper. But on the other hand I am beginning to get excited about traveling all over Europe from May-June.
5:33 AM

1 Falling Stars
Sunday, April 01, 2007

Random Poetry

Heart, be still.
Two lovers, two beats.
Two eyes, two souls.
Two hands, two wings.
One mouth, one language [love].
One connection, one eternity.
He, she, him, her--theirs.
Only theirs for the knowing,
for the taking, for the having,
for the holding, for the soaring.
Be free, love. Be free.

the prick of rejection,
the heart bleed is feverish,
unexpected, an unknown cause.
no explanation, no details,
no frills, no parading,
simply chills & breaking.
shatter of memories,
tainted moments stinging,
open wound aching and beating.
The double-edged sword [love],
hanging on the wall tonight,
Father time beginning to wash over,
dusk to dawn mistaken for eternity.
9:28 AM

0 Falling Stars


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