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Sunday, May 29, 2005

Edward: "So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her?"

Vivian: "She rescues him right back."

Pretty Woman
1:49 AM

4 Falling Stars
Friday, May 27, 2005

I'm beginning to believe more and more that the world constantly gravitates towards some kind of balance- whether it be on a global level, or on a more personal level.
So yesterday, I have a delightful day-one of the best in a while. And today, I'm told that another friend has passed away, losing the battle to her bone marrow cancer.
When I was little, nobody around me or in my family had ever died. I knew about death, but I never actually experienced its reverberations. I remember in elementary school, hearing about how one of the 4th grade teachers dad had died, and how she needed to take weeks off from school, and nobody knew if she'd be coming back. Strangely enough, even being in 2nd grade, I didn't take the news lightly. I didn't know this teacher personally, but my little 7 year old heart felt sad and sympathetic towards her situation.
As I grew older I always thought how lucky I was that I didn't lose any grandparents or aunts or uncles; then again I felt that since I hadn't lost anyone it would all come tumbling down around me unexpectedly. Perhaps, it has begun...I don't know. This year alone I've lost one family member and two great people whom I have admired and who have influenced my life. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I want others to. I just see it as rather tragic and such a shame. I think about each one of them, and how wonderful their life was, and I don't see or understand why their life had to end now. This day, this hour, this minute.
So to Pat Sigur I say:
Pat, you were such an amazing woman.
I always enjoyed listening about your trips to Singapore and other exotic countries. It's hard to believe that just last summer I was helping you rearrange the Bible College library, and now you're gone.
You always looked so well put together- always a sight to behold.
It was nice that you were always so interested in my life and future. I truly believe that you are in a better place now- no more suffering. God let us have you for a while, and now I guess He wants you to be with Him.
5:32 PM

2 Falling Stars
Thursday, May 26, 2005

wow. today was such a great day- minus the sunburn.
The pool was so warm, and the sun was so pleasant.
I spent the day with one of my closest friends. Wonderful conversation ensued through out the day. We ate at a refreshing restaurant, and finished off our day with a little bit of shopping.
Around 6:30ish, i passed by downtown San Rafael. Music was playing, people were dancing, vendors were selling their trinkets and baubles, and the Farmer's Market was in full swing. I love Farmers Markets- they bring the community together.
I end the splendid day with a British indie film called Ladies in Lavender. Daniel Bruhl is mesmerizing.
9:08 PM

3 Falling Stars

why is it that your past has a way to haunt you? you think you're free, but then you read something, and you realize that you haven't cut all of the strings off yet. What does it take? i guess only time knows...
or when you know that someone you care about is aching. And your words are void and empty to them. They refuse your offering. You become concerned that they might go into self-destruction mode. But how do you stop them, when you are viewed as part of the reason?
I guess only time will tell....
Can't things just come to a serene equilibrium?
No more warring, no more anger, but a yearning for a peaceful sea.
A new chapter?
12:46 AM

2 Falling Stars
Saturday, May 21, 2005

So, naturally I'm alive, which means that the surgery went well. It was surprisingly quick, and the doctor was really adamant about explaining what he was doing and why he was giving me antibiotics, and where the IV was going to go, etc. The funny thing is I can't remember where I woke up, how I left, how I got into the car, or how i got out of the car. I mean, I slightly remember doing those things, but then i don't- and I wonder if I just imagined myself doing it. My teeth actually don't hurt at all. Except, today I woke up and the right side of my face is completely swollen. It kind of looks like half of my face is falling off. My dad kinda got worried because he thought that it could be an infection, and he said that thermometer read that I had a slight fever. He tried to call the doctor and see if i needed some antibiotics.
I'm not that hungry, surprisingly, but I want to eat something good, since my diet has mainly consisted of water and yogurt. Then again, I'm scared that I'll bite into something and my mouth will start throbbing and it won't stop and before I know it my whole face will blow up. Well, I'm sure my face won't blow up, but i don't want to deal with the throbbing pain. I mean it's only been 36 hours so i should be happy that my face looks relatively normal. Unfortunately, I was supposed to go out tomorrow and meet some of my brother's new friends. Obviously I don't want their first impression to be of me with half of my face blown up. So today, I'm trying to take anti-inflammatory pills and put ice on my face so that the swelling will go down. HOPEFULLY by tomorrow it will look more decent.
5:40 PM

3 Falling Stars
Thursday, May 19, 2005

So i'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. I'm not nervous about it, and I've had surgery before. But still, you get those little annoying thoughts in the back of your brain, "hope no freak accidents happen", "hope i'll wake up from the anesthesia". Bah, I'm sure i'll be fine. The annoying thing is not being able to eat normally for the next few days. I wonder how guys handle it since their stomachs rule their whole body. Hopefully I'll go out to dinner tonight, and eat the biggest meal of my life.
6:57 PM

5 Falling Stars
Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'm bored, so i guess I'll blog.
I used to have these high-level streams of continuous thought just surging through me all day. I guess a lot of that got zapped by the tv. Not to worry though, with all of the great books recommended to me, I'll soon be back on my feet, spurting out philosophical brainwork.
since i have no philosophical thoughts to share, i'll expound on a couple of events in my day. Me and my friend, Kristin, decided to get a hair cut today, at a place she loves called Precision 6. Needless to say I was wary. I usually cut my hair at Regis, where this 50 year old Persian woman takes an hour and a half tapering and giving me long layers. Too bad I still can't remember her name...was it Gigi, Gugi? Gigi (we'll just go with that name) always did a superb job, leaving her with a good tip, and me with a great haircut.
As i'm getting out of the car, Kristin tells me this place "doesn't have the best working conditions." Great. I hope they aren't violating any health codes-not like i'll be using the bathroom anyway. So we walk in, and this tiny place is full of people from all different walks of life: a construction worker, an old lady sitting in one of the perm dryer chairs, two little kids flipping out, and all of the rest of the normal customers. We sit down, and 10 minutes later, a woman approaches us and with a raspy voice asks, "are you Kristin and Masha?" "Yes." "Who wants to go first?" "I guess I will." So I place my purse on the floor and sit in her chair. The woman starts to cut away. Admist all of that we get into a really random discussion on kids and how there is a lack of respect and value these days. She shared with me how her daughter is becoming one of the mindless teenagers who does nothing but shop for clothes and sit around the house all day. We seriously covered every topic from adolescent rebellion, to how fake and superficial Californians can be (she included her inclination towards her New Jersey roots, where the people there are "raw and real"). Just as we are coming to the point of exhausting any more topics on spoiled American kids, she fluffs my hair, throws it to the front and says well how do ya like it. Uno problemo: It was still wet. Obviously, i don't know if i like it or not if it's damp and limply hanging. I didn't want to hear anymore stories about New Jersey, so I just got up and didn't make her blow dry it...I mean it'll eventually dry, right? I pick up my purse, which is covered in a bath of hair, and proceed to sit down and wait for Kristin to finish her hair cut. In walks Kim, a friend I have known since middle school. The strange thing is that she sits down, and pretends to not see or hear me. I mean, you couldn't miss me or Kristin in that small space. Isn't that weird when people do that? You see co-workers or fellow students somewhere outside of your shared environment, and all of the sudden you become complete's SO awkward...and I was going to yell her name out at first, but then when it seemed like she was ignoring me, I just said forget it. So Kristin and I left with our unblowdried hair cuts, but happy that the next step would be highlights!
1:09 AM

2 Falling Stars
Monday, May 16, 2005

I've been back in CA for almost a week now, and already I can feel my brain rotting. There was always so much work and mental exercise for my brain back at school; now, I'm just zapped into the television on a regular basis, which is nice since I didn't have a tv at school, but you know it's a little much when you watch a whole marathon of America's Next Top Model (go Kahlen!). Anyway, I want to keep my mind active so that when September rolls around I won't have to stressfully jump-start it. Plus, since I'm going to start taking courses towards my major a semester early, I should prepare myself.
These are some books i'm thinking about reading:
- books on Rwanda: since I did my presentation on Rwanda in International Politics, I have been interested in this country and its history
- a book on Russia's history: my concentration is on Russia, so I should probably learn the history and economic and governmental structure
- some Nicholas Sparks book

If there is ANYBODY out there, who loves to read, or just knows about some good books, PLEASE recommend some to me.
5:19 PM

13 Falling Stars
Looking back at the person who i was before college, and the person who i am now is quite astonishing. I had no idea that my mind and perspectives on life would change so much. Many times theories and concepts are only truly understood after we experience them. So here are a few of the theoretical notions that i've learned this past year:

-above all, value your health. don't let circumstances or situations even come so close as to begin harming it. On this earth, all we have is our living body.

-the status quo in college is a manipulative tool used to subliminally conform students; for some reason, young people go into college thinking ,"well, everybodys doing it, so i should to"

-don't make enemies; every person that you meet in college, can be some beneficial connection for you in the future. If you can't stand the person, learn to not let your path cross with theirs, unless necessary

-It is better to be alone, than be surrounded by people who pressure you into doing something you feel uncomfortable with. Peer pressure is created by people who want to exercise power over you; they want to control you in some way. NEVER GIVE IN.

- never forget who you really are. Be solid in knowing your uniqueness, and firm in your beliefs. This is the only thing that will allow you to withstand the force of conformity

- people are going to change. more than once. don't have expectations for people, and don't prejudge either. Judging people is the best way to sabotage a potential friendship. Yet, understand, that you might think you know someone when you really don't. In such situations, be cautious, but receptive.

- Don't expect people to be nice, or want to help you. Yes, there are people like this, but they are a minority. Don't expect a professor's kindness to be more than just their personality. If you want something, learn to find ways to get it

- You don't always have to agree with everyone. People will have a problem with that most of the time. Society hates dissenters, and people who get in the way of 'the flow' of things. Only people who shake and question the rules, will see change.

- Be helpful and friendly to everyone; you never know when you might need their help

- Don't give up your hobbies, even if you 'don't have time'. Write even though you have to study for a test. Paint even though you don't have an easel. Play the piano even if it takes a while to find a free piano. Time was created for us to measure the beginning and end of our existence. Don't wait till the end, and then regret all of the things that you never had 'time to do'.

- Don't let people talk down to you; be confident in your knowledge and understanding of the world. Learn to speak directly and distinctly in a manner that will demand respect.

- don't focus on amassing a large group of acquaintances; rather, find those key people who you know will walk with you for the rest of your life

- Learn to trust the people who care about you; if they hurt you, forgive them. if they cause you afflicting anguish, forgive them, but be wary about the person that they really are.

- Realize that all things happen for good, and all circumstances are learning experiences. Learn and grow into a better human being.

- In the words of Epictetus: "Know first who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly"
7:33 PM

2 Falling Stars
Monday, May 09, 2005

If I were a month, I'd be: October
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 4 pm
If I were a planet, I'd be: Venus
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: a sea horse
If I were a direction, I'd be: north
If I were a sin, I'd be: a lie
If I were a historical figure, I'd be: Marie Curie
If I were a liquid, I'd be: water
If I were a tree, I'd be: a Birch Tree
If I were a bird, I'd be: a flamingo
If I were a tool, I'd be: a knife
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: a lotus
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a tropical shower
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: a unicorn
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a harp
If I were an animal, I'd be: an Arabian horse
If I were a color, I'd be: turquoise
If I were an emotion, I'd be: passion
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: an artichoke
If I were a sound, I'd be: a content sigh
If I were an element: fire
If I were a car, I'd be: a silver Mercedes SLR
If I were a song, I'd be: trance
If I were a movie, I'd be: a psychological love story
If I were a book, I'd be: a mystery
If I were a place, I'd be: the outskirts of Moscow
If I were a material, I'd be: silk
If I were a taste, I'd be: rich
If I were a scent, I'd be: a field of roses
If I were a religion, I'd be: christian minus the legalism and dogma
If I were a word, I'd be: quintessence
If I were an object, I'd be: a painting
If I were a body part, I'd be: an eye
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: a smile
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: psychology
If I were a shape, I'd be a: diamond
3:23 PM

7 Falling Stars
Friday, May 06, 2005

The other day I was thinking about the whole notion of blogger, and online journals in general (actually, i think this came to me while i was procrastinating for my finals).
In person, there would be a higher tendency for us to wear our masks, hide in our comfort zones, or withdraw completely. Yet, through our writings, each of us is able to see the depth of emotion, the rawness of life, the intricate musings that we ponder. A husband can write a love poem to his wife with unabashed passion, without worrying about how others will perceive him. A student can vent her frustrations on life. A house wife can divulge her secret wishes and expand her talents. An avid movie goer can give a riveting review.
Browsing through each others' blogs, we come to understand that we, as humans, are all the same, struggling with the same desires and difficulties. We sympathize with each other, because we know that these perplexities come from the inner core of our hearts. Each blog is unique in it's own way- even when multiple blogs have the same templets. Not too long ago, one of my fellow blogger friends experienced a rather unpleasant encroachment on her creative individualism. Being a talented writer and explorer of HTML, she embellished her blog with clever and tasteful additions. Each visit to her blog, provided her guest with a new entertainment- whether it be a tag board or a poll. Upon one of my visits, I noticed that many of her colorful items had been taken down. What had in fact happened, was that her blog had been copied. A blogger had seen her page and stolen all of her unique additions, and claimed them to their own page. My fellow blogger friend expressed her frustration and decided to remove some of these charming elements; we, in unison agreed with her frustation. It is understandable that there are people who will want to idolize or become like someone they admire; yet, it is a completely different thing to copy another's blog. A blog is where your inner soul is revealed; what have you, if you choose to copy someone else's? One of my favorite quotes is: you were born an original, don't die a copy. Just as each blog is distinct from another, so is each individual. If you lose yourself, then all has been lost. This world strives to make individuals anonymous and non-existant; the individual changes the world, and contests the venomous affliction of conformity.
We see the character and personality of an individual through their writing. The written word reveals truth and illuminates what man can become. The thoughts that transcend into words become the journey that each of us creates. These journeys slowly begin to create an interlaced web that catches the morning dew as well as the night's rain.
When I browse through blogs, I think of each of them as a page in a large book- a book of humanity that shares the sorrows, joys, wonders and deprivations of life. It becomes an intricate weaving of life paths crossing, stars aligning, and minds connecting.
7:00 PM

3 Falling Stars

don't you hate it when people talk to you in such a manner as if the words spilling from their mouths have been pre-recorded?
don't you hate it when all you want is someone to listen to you, and actually have good advice to give you?
don't you hate it when you feel like you're problems are a nuisance to others?
don't you hate it when you become the go-to person for EVERYONES problems?
don't you hate it when those exact same people don't have a second to spare for you...oh but wait, they do...when they need to shove their problems on you?
don't you hate it when you can't find a kind ear; just someone who knows how to make you feel good no matter what?
don't you hate it when your stomach hurts when you barely have eaten anything?
don't you hate math teachers who make the final 17 pages, with 5 essay questions???
don't you hate it when you have NO transportation?
don't you hate it when ______________?

Yeah. Me too.
6:38 PM

3 Falling Stars
Wednesday, May 04, 2005

So, it's the night before my first final. and what am i doing? procrastinating like NO OTHER! I think this blog just proves the pinnacle of my procrastination. I've done pretty much everything imaginable just NOT to study: reading blogs, LJ, ate pizza, socialized, sat around. And then when I attempted to study back at 6 o'clock, I fell into this heavy sleep while reading about Islam. During my 40 min. nap I dreamt that I was washing my hands in the bathroom, and I kept thinking of all of the bacteria on the faucet. I was really worried about touching it. After the bathroom dream, there were all of these people, and i was just standing there trying to grasp different conversations that everyone was having. Sooo now it's 10:37, and i still need to figure out Zeno's paradoxs' and geometric series plus a plethora of other geometric longitudinal comparisons. Thanks Dr. Rogers, for putting something on the final that we never went over in class. Marvelous. It's kind of strange; I'm studying for a test, trying to memorize information for a span of 3 hours, and after that...poof...i'm never going to need this stuff again. okay, i'm not going to expect myself to need it.

seeing as how this post was purely a mechanism of procrastination i should probably get back to work. hahaha...and how many times have i said that one!
10:31 PM

4 Falling Stars
Monday, May 02, 2005

i don't really have anything new to write. Finals are coming up, and inevitably i'm going to be butchered up into tiny pieces. I'm surprised i'm not stressing yet. I think I'm beyond that- so burnt out that nothing matters anymore. Hell, there is a high possibility of me getting a D in math. I've never failed anything in my life before; i hate subjects like math, that remind me that i can't be great at everything. Damn you Dr.Rogers for making the tests impossible. This is actually kind of a new feeling. I always have these obnoxiously high levels of stress tanks that are stored away for months- it's like an endless supply. I'm like Saudi Arabia in terms of oil. And all of the sudden, I find that the stress tanks are empty. EMPTY! The movtivation pipelines stop flowing, and i think to myself, does it even matter since we'll be using hydrogen powered cars in a decade? seeing as how i took that analogy a little too far...moving right along... I can't decide when I should start packing my room up? The first time we went back to Russia as a family, I was so excited that I packed my bags two weeks before we left. Needless to say, I found out that approach doesn't work since you actually have to wear those clothes before you leave. And my mom didn't think i did a very good packing job anyway...I find myself day dreaming about which item will go into which container. I still have to figure out where that blue vase will go? And should I throw away the fake flowers, and just buy new ones next semester? hmm important questions that can't go unanswered.

In the next week, I'm going to write a long blog on the reflections of my first year at college. But just for a preview, I've realized that I haven't made many close friends. at all. It's like I'm the go-to person to drop your problems on, to find support, advice, etc. But i don't really have anyone like that for me. Even my closest friend, she calls me, to give me the minute by minute play of what's currently happening in her world, and don't get me wrong, i thoroughly love hearing about ALL of it, but it's like with my problems, nobody can ever give me any good advice or help. I have nobody that I can call right that second, tell them what's happening, and they will actually give me good advice, or advice at all for that matter. Sometimes I just have an interesting thought that floats through my mind, and would like to share it with someone who cares to possibly take 2 minutes to think about it too. It's like the people you trust and expect to listen, don't have time for you. Yet they know, that you'll always be there for them. I mean, sometimes, they don't even realize that they are acting the way they are, but what's the point of telling them? You shouldn't have to tell your close friends that you wish they would care about your problems more. That's not how friendships work. I'm not depressed about this or anything- i guess i've just come to accept it. And then you think, well good people are hard to find, so you might as well take the best around you, rather than not having anyone. I guess I've realized that i must treasure the old friends that I have. Those are the only people that will walk with you, seeing the perspective of your past and your future.

Lastly I've realized, since the world is a corrupt, conspiring bureaucratic organization, I don't expect anything from it anymore. I don't expect happiness or satisfaction. If you expect nothing, then in essence, you will be pleased with whatever life hands you. We all expect for this grand happiness to beset us; that something magnanimous will happen. I used to want that, look for that. You look for something to fall out of the sky just for you. I don't anymore- that only leads to dissapointment. I've restrategized my approach. I'm learning to look for the little happinesses that surround us everywhere. The little happinesses that we miss on our journey looking for the big Happiness. A pretty unsual flower growing among weeds, a song that describes what you feel that exact second, a new movement you experience while dancing, the library having your favorite cheese during a study break, etc. These are little happinesses, that do just as much as that big Happiness, or possibly even more. They slightly re-establish one's faith in the world; that perhaps, all is not lost, and there are certain untouched elements in life that can't be mutated or abused.
1:48 PM

2 Falling Stars


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