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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I'm doing better. But this week is going to be hell, fire, and brimstone with the work I have piled up. Seriously, my french teacher thinks that her class is the only one i'm taking; she gives so much work. I feel much better too. I don't really feel like I need counseling anymore...I really realized that I was just overwhelmed and needed to let EVERYTHING out...but then it might be my brain telling me that it can't believe i'm still going to counseling. Only three more times, and I'm sure it'll be beneficial. Then again, I dreamed last night that I came for my counseling session and my original counselor was out, and some young one was there, and i ended up re-telling her my WHOLE story again, and it was basically me re-telling the story and nothing to do with getting actual counseling. But before in the dream, I also dreamt that whenever I would have a problem I would run to this one lady who I knew would listen immediately, and ask her for quick advice; and then at the end I told her I wish she were my counselor.
I don't even know if any of that makes sense. But i just wanted to write a few lines down and say, no, i haven't died, and life is going, it always does.
9:27 AM

0 Falling Stars
Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Burnt heart
Bitter memories
Thrown out to sea,
Message in a bottle speaks:
" Careful who you trust"

Sweet words,
Savory serenades,
Echo in the darkness.
The tide draws them in,
The waves wash them out.

The Moon--simply a reflection
of the penetrated soul.
The deepest Struggle--
Just before sunrise.
Tossing, turning,
collapsing, stirring.

Breaking hypnosis,
escapes the light.
Dawn overpowers,
but Night will come again.
12:31 AM

4 Falling Stars
Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I feel like I can't put myself back together after my counseling session. I unleashed a fury of the past two years of my life for 1.15 hrs.
There is a lot that's been going on. Some my fault, some not in my control. I guess the biggest thing that's my fault is that I let my ex back into my life for the past two weeks. I really opened up to him; I should've known better. So what if we have an amazing connection...I should NOT have let him in so deeply again. Why? because I was totally duped. He went back to his ex which was the girl i was traded in for. I am so stupid. Honestly, he totally led me on, but then again he thought I had something with this German guy--which we are still communicating, but not to the extent that we once were. Last week was the week from hell. My friends sucked the energy and life out of me, my mother is stressing me out, the routine of school is boring me to tears, and I am weary of life. I just want to be happy. The fear of death thoughts were completely out of control, too. They're better now since my counseling session. Now i'm in counseling. ME! The one who has enough advice to travel to the moon and back. My counselor said that basically I am at a huge reorganization period in my life with family, beliefs, etc. I think all of this definitely is because of my family members' deaths. I was SO stupid! Why did i let him in?!?! I'm definitely paying for it now. And you know what, I totally took the neutral position and was all nice about it, but deep down inside I was feeling like the day that he told me what happened on his spring break with that girl.
I can't just go on smiling to the outside world. I'm too tired for that. But, the counselor did say that i've been dealing with this pretty well on my own. That gives me hope. After my Aunt died i felt like lead was on my shoulders. Well, it's back. Breathe, breathing, in, out, inhale, exhale.
I don't know if I'll make it to my next counseling appt. It's next Tuesday. What am I going to do till then? i guess blogger will be my outlet. I thought i was doing better than this. But, i feel like someone performed open body surgery and left everything out. Now, i'm waiting to be sewed up again.
6:53 PM

1 Falling Stars
Sunday, November 12, 2006

My life is........a mess. Details will soon follow.
Starting the week with a break down. Totally pathetic.
On the cusp of going to counseling.
8:22 PM

1 Falling Stars
So today my little blog turns 2 years old...a baby by human age, but in reality an old wise soul who has kept me company in the most turbulent years of my life. For that, I am extremely grateful that I found it, or that it found me. It was touch and go for a few months where I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it up anymore, but it has proven itself to be of very high value. It is more than just a diary, it is a long trail with landmarks reminding me of the person i was, even if I can't recognize her anymore. I was reading over the past two years, and it was interesting to see how much my writing voice has changed. It began as formulaic full of stuffy words, and then when the breakdowns came, the writing changed. Now, it is more of a stream of consciousness. The writing voice does project the change that I have become. No longer stiff, no longer worried about perfection, but free to be silly, free to have a stupid post. Another thing i must note, is that during the first year, the writing is so depressing. I must have been one depressed girl! And then all of the family deaths started, and the emotion changed from depression, to a hollow stare at a faceless hunter. That hunter was death; I couldn't evade it, I couldn't shrugg it off; it poisoned me, and I found myself rotting and unable to stop. But a beautiful thing always happens to the living. Death can't hold you down; just when it thinks it has gotten the best of you, when you don't know why you are alive, why you are still living, one day you wake up and say to yourself, "I choose to step out of this. I leave it behind me." The living always have a choice. And like a snake shedding it's first skin, you metamorphasize into something new, and at that beautiful. A flower dies, only to bloom stronger. A caterpillar becomes a butterfly so he can fly and be free. Death, and all of the emotions attached to loosing someone, purifies you. It strips the unnecessary, and leaves you with the essentials. But amidst my wandering and confusion, amidst the depression, my blog leaves me with hope. Hope for humanity--that it can change for the better. That people have a choice to change and be wonderful, and live to the fullest, and love lavishly. I have changed, and I am changing for the better. Life waits for no one, so you either take it on full force, or you resign to flowing aimlessly, essentially becoming invisible. So, to my little blog, Happy Birthday! And thank you for healing me and being there for me. I look forward to many more experiences.
12:38 AM

1 Falling Stars


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