WoW, what a night!Well, my friend Marina and I, went to this beautiful restaurant called La Grotta in Buckhead. When we first arrived we weren't sure if we had come to the right place. Outside, it looked like an apartment building, but when we got inside there was a special elevator that took you below the first floor. When the elevator opened, there was a romantically lit gorgeous hallway leading to the restaurant. Marina and I looked at each other and just said Wow. We were seated by the maitre d' and the service was amaaazing. If we used one plate, they would quickly come by and take it away. Or if we used one of our forks, they would come and gives us a clean one. Marina and I proceeded to do some people watching. The place was full of old, rich people. One man, in particular, who was sitting in the left corner, his jacket perfectly matched the wall color- taupe yellow. Marina and I were slightly worried about the bill, because we were using Russian Club money from the Emory credit card. We wanted to take the Executive Board Members for an end of the year celebration for all of the work we've done. Sadly, practically nobody came to our last meeting, and since me and Marina did all of the work for the club anyway, it turned out to be a night just for the two of us. Finally the floor manager personally came up to us and was asking us where we heard of this upscale place and how was it that we came to get reservations for it. He was kind of a sleezy guy, therefore I didn't feel it necessarily to divulge personal information to him. So we stated that we were food critics. "Then maybe we should let you into the kitchen." " That would be lovely." But we didn't go back there. We said that we were from Emory, in our third year and that we were roommates. That was fun. Then our appetizer arrived: artichokes with parmesan cheese- delicious. For our main courses, Marina ordered the veal and I ordered the Capellini. The food was scrumptious. But then something chewy got in my mouth. Hmm, i thought, this doesn't taste like a mushroom. And then i looked down at my plate, and in the center of the dish was ham or something sprinkled. I was like noooo. So i had to work around every little, tiny, finely cut piece of ham. Nevertheless, it was still delightful. With our check they brought us divine italian chocolate and biscotti. We left a huge tip because we could.
Next, we proceeded to Intermezzo, a hip, classy upscale cafe. But, before we got there, me and marina naturally had to get lost. So half an hour later, we walked into Intermezzo and proceeded to order our cakes. Now, this place has a cake specialist, and every time one cake is finished a completely, different new cake is brought out. The list of drinks is like a novel. Marina got her coffee cheesecake, and i got butterfinger cheesecake. We sat back down, and our waiter came. He saw two dashing girls sitting and proceeded to make small talk; unfortunately, that didn't go so well, and he became extremely embarrassed at the remarks he had made. He suggested the Swiss Mocha to me, and their signature drink, Intermezzo, to Marina. Before, he brought out our drinks he apologized for his remarks, and seemed rather nervous. That was more so confirmed after he spilled coffee right by my leg. The cakes were DIVINE. the drinks were equisite, the conversation was lovely, and the atmosphere was just perfect. We left our waiter a nice tip as well.
Lastly, we drove to GA Tech to hang out for a bit; Marina filled me in on gossip going on at school. and she said that me and her were deemed the prettiest girls in our class. Not to be conceited, narcisstic, stuck-up,etc. but i think that seriously made my semester. She said that I also get mentioned in conversations. and i asked, but how?? i'm either invisible, or in my own world? she said apparently not... hehe makes me want to dress up more ;) I never really thought anything of why random guys would just talk to me and know my name when i didn't know them.hmm....anyway, after hanging out at Tech me and Marina finally came back.
WHAT AN EVENING! it was EXACTLY what i needed, right then, just to get me through the rest of the semester. Could this be the opening act to my new beginning?9:53 AM 3 Falling Stars I am having a great day. i REPEAT: GOOD DAY!!!!!
positives: bought a hot new swim suit, i talked to my friends in CA, they finally had goood food here, i don't have too much homework (but then finals...), the weather is wonderful, i'm going out tonight to a fancy restaurant, and the world is just magnificent again!
negatives: got a D on my math test...but i'm not gonna let that get me down.
Now, for something completely random. I was reading a news article, and they were talking about a conspiracy unravaling. It made me think, what isn't a conspiracy in life? Name one thing that isn't. grocery food. nope, sorry that's also a conspiracy. But of course the government and farmers control the prices, and allow them to fluctuate at will. Do famines really exist? Or are they created by the government? The news. Of course the government and the media only allows a biased viewpoint to be accesible. What if the news being reported isn't even the truth, but we just blindly believe that somebody wouldn't lie to us, or wouldn't mutate the truth?Why do we so willingly believe people in power? We all know the gas prices are a conspiracy. Enough said on that one. We don't know what goes on in those inner chambers, in the higher realms of bureaucracy. The government controls everything, and it just tries to fool us into believeing that we have freedoms. We have freedoms to an extent, but if we try to push outside of them the government quickly proves that they are the authoritative power. Wouldn't it be great to be a detective or an investigator? To infiltrate the high realms of society, to find what real truth is, what is really going on in the world. What is the real world? What a society has created, with fabricated rules and warnings to keep us 'safe' and give us the best life that they think is appropriate? I understand that not all can handle the truth, or the consequences of it; but I think each of us has a right to know. And what other conspiracies are going on around us on a personal level? What isn't a conspiracy?
[even though conspiracies are a pessimistic topic, i am STILL having a good day :) ]2:59 PM 1 Falling Stars Last night that horrible feeling came over me again. And i was all alone. i'm not sure which was worse.
Why can't I evade it? It's like this lurking shadow following me around everywhere, making me feel the worst fear possible.
I just want familiarity again, and i want to STOP feeling everything. Initially feeling everything was great and new and exciting; now, it's just wearisome, tiring, draining, irrelevant, and annoying. I just want to go back to the way i was. where it was my own safe, secure world. Eventually I'll get it back.
BLAH
I can't wait for my happy posts12:37 PM 1 Falling Stars
Sunday, April 24, 2005
transported...Wishing life would be this way
where am i?
it's so wonderful, so peaceful,
i know nothing
my mind is just as it should be-uninhibited,
i let go...
...and i see the beauty
of everything...it really is amazing
i close my eyes, my body starts to sway, i lose myself
where am i going? i'm jumping in...
i'm not waiting for anything
where is this place? is it even real??
euphoria
so perfect
so serene
this is my inner sanctuary...
beyond the gates, beyond the walls,
beyond the castle, beyond the halls,
beyond the doors, beyond The Door
....sanctimonious chamber....6:03 PM 1 Falling Stars I feel like I'm behind the curtain waiting for it to rise.
There lies my new beginning.
I'm waiting, I'm counting...down
I'll be whisked away
Forgetting the uncertainty, the tiresome dissapointment, the closed doors
I think i'm ready5:55 PM 0 Falling Stars besides my college trying to kill me, i'm back to having a good day7:07 PM 1 Falling Stars For my International Politics class I am researching Rwanda's genocide in the early 90s, and honestly, it is unfathomable of the deeds committed. The atrocity, the hatred, the killings- how, HOW, can humanity be capable of that? What's striking, is that the Clinton administration knew what was going on, neighboring African countries knew what was happening, even European countries were evacuating their own people out of Rwanda, and yet nobody did anything. Absolutely nothing. They would not contribute even 2,000 troops to protect these helpless Tutsi people, who were being killed with Machetes by the Hutus. America's prime refusal in helping Rwanda was because it feared that if they came out and said that a genocide was actually happening then they would have to do something about it. It's just disgusting how countries are more worried about their sovereignty and the balance of power then helping people who are dying. Here is one gripping excerpt:
" When we arrived, I looked at the school across the street, and there were children, I don't know how many, forty, sixty, eighty children stacked up outside who had all been chopped up with machetes. Some of their mothers had heard them screaming and had come running, and the militia had killed them, too. We got out of the vehicle and entered the church. There we found 150 people, dead mostly, though some were still groaning, who had been attacked the night before. The Polish priests told us it had been incredibly well organized. The Rwandan army had cleared out the area, the gendarmerie had rounded up all the Tutsi, and the militia had hacked them to death. The polish priests, who had been pinned up to the wall with a barrel of the gun, were broken-hearted. They kept repeating, over and over, ' These were our parishioners."
Or what about this exercept that baffles me how the Kenyan government could respond in this way:
"In one instance Dallaire's forces succeeded in evacuating a group of Rwandans by plane to Kenya. The Nairobi authorities allowed the plane to land, sequestered it in a hangar, and echoing the American decision to turn back the USS St. Louis during the Holocaust, then forced the plane to return to Rwanda. The fate of the passengers is unknown."
Those who did nothing to stop this are just as barbarious as the Hutu miltia. Just reading this turns my heart to anguish. You just want to cry for humanity, for these atrocities, for these children who did nothing to deserve death. All they wanted was to live a peaceful life with their mother and father. And yet, just because they were Tutsi they were hacked to death. There aren't words to describe these ruthless, viscious acts. And yet genocide is happening as we speak. It's happening right now. As you read this people in Sudan are being killed by their OWN government. Millions are sent to their death, and we just try to avoid it- prefering it to be a faceless killing. How can humans be capable of this? What lies in the depths of our souls that we can be capable of allowing such brutality to persist? How can we turn our heads, more so our hearts? How can you not break down after seeing a picture of a boy holding his hand to his head covering a knife wound, with his face marred by knife cuts, looking at you, wondering what he has done to deserve this? What could possibly be placed above the human life? Why is it that we are so reluctant to help those in need; we would rather turn away, and hope that the problem solve itself. Nobody ever wants to take the responsibility, the risk of failure, or the possibility of loss. Just because we live in America, the land of the free, why do we think our lives are more important than those struggling in Africa, or third world countries? If we have been privileged to live with such resources around us, shouldn't we help those who have less than us? HOW CAN WE SIT CONTENTLY AND SAY IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. whatever that problem may be- whether it be helping a person in need that you don't really know, doing something that requires you to give of yourself, of your money, of your time, forcing you to deny your self absorbed ego for once. I know that I can't necessarily fly over to the Sudan and change anything; but it's in these stories, these articles that we can personally change. That we can say I will help someone in my environment, however small that assistance may be. That something within us will change, and passionately burn to not let wrongdoings go by and be faceless happenings that we accept as a part of life.11:42 PM 2 Falling Stars What a wonderful day it is.3:20 PM 2 Falling Stars I've made a decision: I'm putting out my fire.
Timing or no timing, inconvenience or no inconvenience, my feelings, holding on to something that's gone, wishing for the past.
None of that matters anymore.10:30 AM 1 Falling Stars This is almost unbearable; I cannot continue to have these painstaking, pointless conversations. On top of which, I have phenomenal previous conversations stored away, just lying there to remind me of what we once had. I think I might as well just throw those away too. I'm just lost, confused, and really tired of all of this. I need to let go of all of this, and get back to living the life I once knew. I was reading over a previous conversation we once had, and it was the conversation where i was telling him basically the same thing that we had said a week ago. I told him how due to certain aspects, namely spiritual I wanted us to stop, and have a growing friendship with a potential future. I had said that in the right timing, when it was necessary. Somehow, all of that got thrown away, as if that whole conversation never took place. I tried to stop myself before anyone got hurt. Months later, the same conversation took place, with a deja vu-esque twist, except this time I was attached. My fatal error. Back then the growing friendship was what I wanted, but that was thrown by the wayside. Now, the growing friendship is coming from the other side. His fire has died, and for him this new arrangement has become more convenient and desired. I'm glad he's benefiting from it, with genuine honesty. As for me, it's as if my mind is disconnected from my body. I constantly have to snap myself out of the fact that it's not like it was, and not to try to want that anymore, or the way it once was. I have to remind myself that i am a sideshow now, and that's completely okay. I wish that when I had proposed this arrangement months ago, it would have taken root and a true growing friendship could've taken place. How do I revert back to how it was now? He seems to have reverted just fine because now in his timing this situation is taking place. What about my timing? I'm not saying that i am just hurt, and sorrowful and can barely live. No, that's being excessively dramatic. I just feel like I'm the only one remotely struggling and not enjoying what happened last week. I just need time to be on my side again; and I guess I just need for my fire to die too. Then I will be able to see what will grow through the ashes and new dirt.12:02 AM 0 Falling Stars I think back to the past six months, and I think they were amazing, but then I wish i hadn't opened myself up so much. You begin to learn to share everything: what you are feeling at that exact moment, how your day went, anything new you were pondering. You begin to learn to rely on that person , and when it's taken away from you rather suddenly (but at the same time you knew this would inevitably happen), you are forced to readjust your life. No longer is there someone to go to that moment when you are feeling helpless. No longer is there someone to ask about your day and how you are feeling. No longer is there someone there to alleviate your stresses and fears. And you can't just tell anybody, especially after you've learned to trust this individual. You are longing to share everything, but you restrain yourself because otherwise you will never become disattached.
And in that moment when you want to share everything but there is no one, a great fear besets you. The fear that you will be the only person who knows yourself. Are you anyone really if no one knows you? What if your life will go by unnoticed? What proof can you offer the world of your existence? Who will deem you worthy and acceptable?An anonymous life, but a living human. In essence that is what each of us longs for: a companion who will be an eyewitness to our life. That, to someone, your life will be held highest above all. Your actions and accomplishments will be forever held sacred in the memory of this one. Who you were, who you became was written on the heart of this one forever. They will offer proof of your existence. And the world cannot deny that which is forever inscribed in the heart.1:59 PM 2 Falling Stars Sometimes, and over the years this has become more rare, but this intense, gripping feeling comes over me- a fear of death, a fear of the unknown. My mind becomes flooded with a torrent of thoughts, and it almost goes into a state of panic. When I was four my mom told me that this same feeling would come over me and I would cry for hours. She had no idea what to do; she would try to pacify me, say that everything is okay. She didn't understand why her four year old was worried about death, or even remotely knew the concept of it. One day i came home from kindergarten crying, and my mom was frustrated that she couldn't help me- her words, her touch, her kind voice, nothing relieved me.
What happens after your mind becomes disconnected from your body? You no longer live in the present world; Everything is gone. It's even hard to fathom how everything stops. You will never talk to your friends or family again. You will never laugh, cry, smile, experience anything again. You will never have a mundane day again, or an exciting memorable day for that matter. Life ends, in the most complete sense of the word. But what happens after that? Eternity? How do we even comprehend what eternity is? Is eternity the beginning, and life just a precursor to it? Is life a preparation for what will take place after death? Are we even living, or is death the gateway for real life? I don't know why I get so bothered by this sometimes. I guess I just don't want my life to end as I know it, or end before I'm ready for it to end. I wish I could die when I'm old and have fully experienced life to the fullest. But what if it catches me off guard? I've experienced the effects of death twice this year already, and it has forced me to reevaluate it on a different level.
Even in writing this I feel a little better I guess. After that day coming home from Kindergarten, my mom decided that she would tell me about God. She thought that if I already grasped the concept of death, then I could at least to an extent understand God. My mom knew what the reality of God was, and I'm so grateful to her, because she never pressured or pushed me into anything, she just presented me with something real and existing. She told me how my life was in God's hands, and that He was watching over me, and nothing would happen to me without His consent. She said that if I accepted him, He would always be with me, to comfort me when she couldn't, to make me smile when i was feeling sad, to listen to me when nobody else was around. After that day I never cried again about death. To an extent my life was slightly revolutionized. I no longer felt all alone in this huge world that didn't present anything solid to me. For the first time in my young life I felt safe and free- free from the bondage of fear and the unknown.
I don't know why this suffocating surge comes over me sometimes; all I wish is that I could be home, surrounded by loved ones and close friends- not sitting in a dorm room all by myself. Then I think back to when i was four year's old, and I remember that I really am not alone.4:58 PM 1 Falling Stars
Friday, April 08, 2005
It's not that I've been neglecting my writing, but I just don't know how to formulate my thoughts. At first I thought it was because my epiphanies left, but those eventually came back. I don't know, it's like i'm slowly learning to readjust myself and learn to live as things were before- when I relied only on myself. Things will begin to change because the initial rip has begun. It's like a rip on a woman's stocking; once it starts there is nothing that can inevitably stop the run.I guess I'm officially making the trek back to Masha land. I've been outside of the gates for too long, and the people need their queen back anyway. The journey back will be long and lonely. Just a simple, curvacious path through the forest leading back to the kingdom. I've packed memories and experiences in my sack, and those should hold me over until i get to the gate and the Watchman sends out the call for the knights to ride out and greet me. I know the path ahead of me could be enduring, but I wonder what i will see along the way? Exotic creatures and flora? A lonely wanderer? Will there be a celebration for the queen's return?Return to Innocence
Lately, I've been reminiscing about my childhood; not necessarily, the acts of childhood but the things that would make me delighted and lastingly cheerful. The past couple of days I've started to return back to those. Return to innocence. For the longest time i didn't necessarily understand the meaning behind that phrase. Once you are corrupted, there is no way that you can return to your original state of innocence. Yet this innocence isn't stemmed from actions or deeds done. It is the return to the innocence of life. The innocence of beauty. The innoncence of believing that life is good, even if we don't know what waits for us around the corner. We as people change, conform, convert, become corrupted, but life doesn't. It's innocence remains untouched and unadulterated, and we have the choice to go back to it either through memories or new experiences.
I was looking at old pictures, reading letters and emails, reminiscing about memories. I yearn for that again. I've begun to listen to my music wonderfully loud again- not caring that I've heard the song 5,10, 15 times. Strangely, all of the songs somehow correlate to the event that has happened. The songs are gentle nudges and pushes to start my journey back home. The other day i randomly felt like jumping on my bed-that was short lived, because i completely forgot what a dorm bed is; nevertheless, it gave me a dose of pleasant happiness. I've begun to dance again, to express my emotions through the movements of my body, to release my feelings through the curve of my arm and the bend of my leg. Sometimes I lose myself, but the moment is forever captured- and that will never be lost. I've rediscovered the magic of the piano again. God gave me a gift- a talent to play the piano. To create ethereal melodies never heard before, never released prior to that moment. I close my eyes and begin to play. All i hear is spellbinding music, and I am transported to an entrancing world where Beauty reigns. This is my drug.
Most of all, I've begun to paint again. Painting here is not the same as when i paint at home, but nevertheless i must do it. Today I sat down, and was actually scared. I had no inspiration, no image to create. My mind was the blank canvas, and my hand was on its own to create whatever it desired. Once again i closed my eyes, and took a deep breathe. I dabbed my fresh paintbrush in primary blue and began to find that distinct color which would lead the way for the rest of the creation. I didn't finish it, and i want to revise many portions of the painting. I find that my difficulty is balancing light and dark themes; one always tends to overpower the other, and it is usually the dark that wins the battle. Nevertheless, I know that i've begun to return to innocence.6:46 PM 2 Falling Stars I got my epiphanies.5:22 PM 1 Falling Stars I wish i still had my epiphanies. That one day. It was like a surge of divine blessing. It's strange I really don't feel anything right now. I'm not sad, not alone, not joyful, not excited. I'm just living. Sometimes i really wish i could become a child again. My mom would tell me that I could never stop smiling. Every little thing amazed me, everything was a new experience. Life was magical. To wake up each day, and discover a newness of life and vibration. Life was pulsing through me. I only knew what good was. I knew nothing but happiness; I had no mask. Come to think of it,I didn't even know what a mask was. I was who i was- I didn't feel a need to protect myself, because to me nothing could harm me. Everything was for me- the universe would protect me.I only knew what truth was, and it was uninhibited by fallacies and abstracts that would try to trick me. Believeing and trusting was more rewarding than questioning. What's the point of questions, when you have truth? Occasionally bad days, were like temporary rain storms, that washed away the soot and dirt, and brought a stronger sun the next day. They never lasted months, and washed so much dirt away that the roots lay bare.We make life so complex and intricate; we weave these complicated webs that sometimes trap us, sometimes rip, sometimes catch raindrops. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what. Waiting. The last couple of months, I've experienced so many endings. Am i waiting for that new beginning? I can't wait for summer, but at the same time i can't wait for that to be over. Where am I running to? Where's home? Where is my safe harbor? I think of a ship at sea, not lost, just sailing, slightly running low on fuel. Searching for what? that strip of new land? that lighthouse?To save someone lost at sea?Is someone waiting for me? Should i get back to port?9:52 PM 2 Falling Stars
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