So, i have some free time so I guess i'll finally write...I'm back in CA and along with that comes a plethora of emotions, undelt with feelings, explanations, etc. Basically, towards the end of last semester I slowly felt like I was going under, weighted down by other peoples problems, all the while realizing that none of my friends had my back. Or closest friends, that is. On top of that, I realized that I had not dealt with my grandmother's death and my aunt's death, and that this crippling fear of death had slowly taken over my life. I began to live as though everyday was my last; telling people how amazing they were, how treasured they are, etc...but to tell you the truth, that gets VERY exhausting. It's not that bad anymore since I am home with my family. I worry a lot about my mom; she still isn't doing that great, and that's hard on me, both emotionally and just to realize that when she is driving me crazy it isn't necessarily because of me or whatever the situation is, but it is because of her own state of mind. The situation with my two closest friends i guess has come to a dead end...When I saw one of them on Sunday, she looked like death warmed over, and she didn't even respond in any way during our conversation. I'm just sick of it all. And i think the hardest part is the tearing away, the loss of closeness. I won't lose anything by losing her friendship--i have friends who are infinitely better friends, etc...but growing apart is the hardest part of it all. When I needed them most, they weren't there for me. And I know you have to voice how you feel, and you can't expect people to read your mind, but you know what, asking "how are you doing?" sometimes is enough. And give me a break, even if you've never experienced death in your own family, you can still be a good friend by caring and listening. Not by asking me retarded things like, "is your mom going to be going to Russia again this summer?"And then there is A*. I don't even know what i feel about him. I didn't feel a personal connection on Saturday when we hung out, but that's because it was a group of us, and all guys. So naturally, the topics for conversation such as cars, and other things weren't exactly entertaining to me. But he is an awesome guy, even to have as a friend. I'll be seeing him on Thursday, so hopefully I can connect better with him.
Even as I've been here all most a week, a trip to Europe sounds lovely. I wish i were going. This is going to be a LONG summer if I don't structure it, I guess. LSATs, internship, researching for my potential Geneva Study Abroad Trip, getting back into playing the piano, reading, etc. I need to make a routine, so my summer doesn't fly by, and I end up realizing that I didn't do anything productive.
I am coming back on top of the water. Talking with my mom, taking walks, analyzing situations, getting perspective, is helping me sort out my life, my problems, and throw this heaviness off of me.8:27 PM 2 Falling Stars I have SOO much i want/need to write about....3:12 AM 5 Falling Stars For a while now, I've felt like my blog was being held hostage. And it wasn't until i wrote my last post that I really realized that.I mean, come on, who wants to read about professors writing chapters in 800 page books? But that isn't even the issue. The issue is that i had so much more to say, about how I was feeling, about what i'm going through, and because I knew certain people who I wanted to write about were reading it, I couldn't. I'm currently going through a really stressful situation with one of my closest friends. More stressful than finals--doesn't that say something. When I had the roommate from hell last semester, I could explode all of my emotions onto this blog. i could post as much as i wanted about the situation without anyone getting sick of it (unless of course you read it, and obviously just wanted to scream MOVE ON!). Now, since I knew this friend was reading my blog I hadn't been able to REALLY write about what i was feeling, so because it was on my mind it ended up in most of my conversations. Needless to say, people were sick of hearing about my issue, even though it was a difficult situation for me that I didn't know how to handle. There is more to the story, and when i'm up for it I'll write about it, but that's just one example.
A blog is for people to be able to find a release. To be able to throw down words without caring about offending anyone or ruining relationships even further in real life. And the thing about other bloggers, is that we are all hear to find exactly that: an open outlet to speak OUR own minds, our own thoughts without being silenced. I enjoy comments from other bloggers about my personal life, not necessarily because I don't know you in person, but because we are all sharing our lives openly.
My close friend and I have practically stopped talking about anything that matters, and she's mentioned that to me. So, i think it'll be healthy that she won't be able to just read my blog and know what's going on with me. She'll have to actually ask me about it. Anyway, i've had a lot on my mind lately, and it's time to liberate this blog again.11:16 AM 1 Falling Stars Well, it's the night before my hardest final....this professor is really hard, he even wrote a chapter in our 800 page book..but a couple weeks ago we had to turn in a 5 page research paper...3 weeks before its due he asks the class who has started the paper. no one raises their hands, and then he says,"well you should really start it today" 3 WEEKS BEFORE?! anyway, 3 days before its due i decide to change my topic; i wasn't understanding what i was writing about and it was just too hard...so i end up writing a paper that i actually understood what the content was but i had 20 footnotes in a 5 page paper...but i went to pick up my paper today and i got an A! That made me SO happy...but I'm still totally stressed out about the Final.I'll probably be pulling an all nighter, or half a nighter, and I'll be so ridiculously busy until Tuesday when EVERYTHING ends!
Wednesday I fly out to CA and the transition begins again....8:56 PM 2 Falling Stars okay, a couple hours ago i wanted to write a long post, with a whole bunch of ranting...but i've lost the steam.
I want a boyfriend, so that we can go to a cafe and he can sit and listen to all of my problems, nod his head in understanding, pipe in with sagacious advice, and pay for my comfort meal. Pretty nice fantasy, huh? I assume an hour + after my ranting, i would say "and how about you?"...
Honestly, I wish I had a friend who when I tell them about a trip to Europe, they would clap their hands and say, "Yay! Let's go!".. I mean i was thisclose, and too bad it had to fall through at the last moment; at least the person who said they would go with me was willing to drop summer classes, and because of a visa problem can't go. Seriously, i wish, i had a friend who loved to travel and would think about money issues when they got back from the trip. Honestly, money isn't everything--memories are more costly...and if you don't really have any with your friends outside of your normal box, well then, that's really boring.
And i'm sick of dysfunctional relationships. I have no more patience or tolerance for them...I'm too old for stuff like that.
I seriously don't want to be sitting around CA for 3.5 months doing nothing; so many of my college friends already have expansive resumes, and as a international studies major that is a must for me. What do I have? um yeah, my dinky internship at a newspaper company in 2000 (i could even be stretching the year), oh and my slave job as a barista. Why can't things just WORK for me?! You know what, i am SERIOUSLY considering going to Europe by myself! HMPF!7:35 PM 2 Falling Stars
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