Fleeting Moments

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Well, I'm back in GA. And to my surprise, coming back was not as horrendous as I envisioned it. The flight was rough, and driving around Atlanta picking up my stuff through the rain was annoying, but as I was driving up to the campus a pleasant feeling of familiarity washed over me. That this- this could be home as well.
Leaving CA this time, deep in my soul I could feel how much I would miss the people closest to me. Life had finally become good- closer bond with my friends at home, enjoying my parents, and feeling safe and loved in general. I realized that over the summer a comfort zone had been built. Yet, one never grows in his comfort zone; the contentment of the current status quo disables him from moving foward. Therefore, once again I venture out into the new unknown. I throw myself out into the world to be stretched and for my mind to be enlarged. As I look around the dorm room- with suitcases and boxes strewn about- I understand that everything is going to work out just fine.

11:12 AM

6 Falling Stars

It had been a long day at work, and Fiona was grateful that it was finally over. She hadn't wanted to go out anywhere tonight, but Max had begged her, until she finally caved in. He said that he had made reservations for seven o'clock at Barcarolle, the new up-scale Italian restaurant in town. She had consented only because Max had seemed so eager and excited. She smiled, thinking how much they liked to play 'food critic' at the restaurants they visited.
"My, how delicious this shrimp is", or " have you tried the cobb salad? The dressing needs to be slightly thinned."
Tonight, though, she was tired, and she just wanted to relax with Max. She wanted the stars to light up the sky just for them, and for the world to be only theirs.
" You are breathtaking," replied Max in awe. Fiona was wearing a satin black dress, which effortlessly criss-crossed down her lower back. Her carefully picked diamond neckalace and earrings accented her stunning eyes. Her hair smoothly flowed down her back in cascading waves. She had no idea that tonight would change the rest of her life.
The new restaurant was stunning as well. Embellished pillars and archs surrounded the interior, and extravagant water fountains were enveloped in gold and precious stones.
"Hi, I have a reservation for two."
"What is your first name?"
"Max."
The host quickly looked up, "Ah yes, Max, follow me right this way."
He lead them away from the fountains and archs to a balcony where a table was set up for two. Lit candles awaited them, and the faint sounds of Mozart echoed from a violin. The balcony was decorated with crimson roses and ivory lotuses.
"Oh, Max. You did this? all of this? for me??" in that moment it hit her. He was going to propose. Oh my. Oh no. Wait, oh no? Oh yes. Was it oh no or oh yes? Tears started gently rolling down her face. For someone to love her so deeply, so powerfully, so beautifully overwhelmes her heart.
Max takes her into his arms, and they gently waltz to Mozart. A million thoughts racing through her mind, Fiona's future life flashes before her. Is she ready for this? Is she ready to merge her independent life with Max's?
Max slowly steps back, and begins to kneel.
"Fiona, from the moment I saw you, I knew that I couldn't live the rest of my life without you. It was fate that introduced us, and I will be eternally grateful. You are a perfect diamond- worth striving for, worth fighting for, and worth overcoming difficulties so that you can be mine. As a diamond is cut to allow light to refract through it, your warmth, wisdom, beauty, and kindness emit light out of you. I've searched for you all of my life, and I cannot let you go. You are in my dreams, in my thoughts, and in my future. It would be the greatest priviledge if you would be mine, Fiona. Would you marry me?"
Her eyes rest upon his.
"I am yours, as you are mine."
The two lovers enveloped in each other, hardly noticed a new star being born.

1:57 PM

2 Falling Stars

When I was 10, I wanted to become a nun, and ride a bike for the rest of my life. I guess, one too many viewings of The Sound of Music.
But lately, I've been thinking that being celibate for the rest of my life wouldn't be as tragic as I have imagined it. I've never been lucky with love. Either it was painfully out of my reach, or too close that it repulsed me. I've never had a balance. I guess I am scared to love, scared to be intimate with someone on an emotional level. I am very picky about the people who I let into my life- some are gems, some sneak their way in, and others cross my path only to diverge at a later date. One thing I have very definitively learned about myself, is that I have a very hard time getting over people that leave my life. Hence, why I let so few people in. Each time, a person leaves they take something with them. A piece of who you are- whether you want them to or not, whether you consciously know they have done so or not. I've never had many friends. Better yet, I've never had many good friends either. Last year, at college I met a truly amazing friend. She had the most amazing personality, character, etc. We hit it off right away, and I was so grateful and happy to have someone like that. To have been blessed with a wonderful person in my life like that. And then slowly, she started to pull away. Well, actually, she just traded me in for another better friend, I guess. At first it was slow and subliminal, but then I was completely out of the picture. I tried to resuscitate the friendship a couple of times, before I realized that we had diverged. And still, I think back to those first awesome months- and I would do anything to have those back, to have a friend like her back.
As, I grow older I realize that my heart slowly is approaching the capacity at which it can handle to mend after brilliant people exit my life. I guess this comes back to the age old instinctive approach that we as humans tend to veer towards: Self-preservation.To do whatever it takes to not get hurt. Intimacy opens the door for vulnerability, and the scales can tip either towards hurt or the most amazing feeling in the world. Yet, one must take the chance.
A year ago, evaluating this same topic, I would've emphatically stated that I would take second best rather than be alone. I would've married a good guy- even if he wasn't The One. I am terrified of being alone- not alone in the sense of by myself, but in the sense that my life will go by unnoticed. That I won't have an intimate eyewitness to it. I fear loneliness but it is this same fear that binds me from taking a chance.
Peculiarly, I find myself at peace with my new perspective, yet dissapointed that I could settle for less. On one hand, I am not crazed like the youth of this generation are. Sex, lust, materialism consumes them to the point where nothing is sacred anymore. That which is sanctimonious is the highest that society possesses, and yet it is being squandered and sabotaged by people willing to fulfill their egocentrical lifestyles.
I can see myself, living in an apartment, working at a law firm, traveling to Africa,Greece, Russia, being wrapped up in Masha Land, and finding it oddly comforting but at the same time strangely saddening.
Last night, I was watching Sweet November- a love story that ends bittersweetly. Seeing two people passionately encompassed in each other naturally made me yearn for the same. I have felt love for another before, and hopefully this is just a phase. Maybe, what I really mean is that instead of thinking about vexing topics like marriage, soulmates, the future with another, I am just going to relax and plan my future as it comes- leaving room for interpretation.

10:21 PM

7 Falling Stars

I guess there's a first time for everything. Well, most things. BeckEye tagged me with this-thankfully it's short and painless.
List five songs that you are currently digging - it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions and the five songs (with artist) in your blog. Then tag five people to see what they're listening to.
1. Let Go- Frou Frou
2. Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield
3.Dell'amore Non Si Sa- Andrea Bocelli
4.Summer 78- Yann Tiersen
5.Don't Hurry Me, Wind- Reflex (russian)
I'm one of those people who kills memes, fowarded emails, and chain letters. So I'm tagging anyone who feels like doing this (aren't I original...). Enjoy.

9:22 PM

0 Falling Stars

I hate crying. What's worse is seeing other people cry. I always want to say," Please stop." You look at peoples crying physiognomies: their chin is all shriveled up, their face is spotted with red blotches, their nose has grown to twice its size, and their eyes look like their surrounded by inflated tea bags.I think this phobia of tears has been ingrained in me since my childhood. My dad would always tell us," Stop crying! You have to be pulled together all the time, and at any moment." I came to view crying as a weakness; the people who weren't strong enough to deal with their emotions in private, always succumbed to tears. I guess my psychosis got so bad, that one time while I was sitting at 3 am, studying, I finally cracked, and gentle tears started to roll down my eyes. My roommate, was fast asleep-mumbling in Korean like usual, but I, even in my own presence, was embarrassed of my tears. I could hear myself thinking," Stop crying. Look at you, being so silly. Pull yourself together." Then all of the sudden I snapped out of it. It was me. I wasn't a stranger. It was okay to feel this emotion in front of my own self. I was human. And humans cry at times.
I've come to the conclusion, that a good cry is necessary once in a while. And yesterday, was one of those days. Like a volcanoe, I take everything in, the stress, the fatigue, the external factors affecting me, until I can't hold it in any more and I erupt. I've been stressed about college, my family has been suffocating me from different angles, and those are only a couple to name. I've been so overwhelmed that I forgot my dentist appointment yesterday, until they called to ask me where I was, and why was I not in their office. Another arguement with my mom-and her tears- drove me to my room. My mom is one of those people who likes to talk EVERYTHING out. I am the complete opposite. I sulk, I fume, and then I get over it. I don't want to discuss the particulars of what is or is not bothering me. And at this moment I definitely wasn't in the mood for a discussion. I could feel my voice start to waver, as my face fought not to go into tear mode. It was all in vain.
Warm, tears started to trickle down. And they were the real kinds of tears. The ones that are uncontrollable, the ones that just tumble down one after another, until you say,"I don't even know why I'm crying." After venting out my frustrations, pointing out some more hypocrisies, and angrily stating," Are you happy to see me this way?!...I need a tissue", it felt kind of good. Now, granted, I had a major headache, and felt tired the rest of the day, but I would have to say it was worth it. It felt like a gentle rain washing away the dirt, and other things that had built up. The sun came out to play today, and the weather forcasts clear skies.

6:39 PM

5 Falling Stars

Yes, they do. I've made a couple observations over the past few days, mainly coming from the guy in the previous story. Yeah, and that dinner date isn't going to work out after all.
What happens to good guys when they grow up? They become the geeks of the dating world; having one too many failed dating attempts under their belt, they jump at any girl who has a decent conversation with them. And when all else fails, they go for the girls who are 10 years younger than them. You should be confident enough to get a woman your age. Enough said.
These guys are friendly and nice, and naturally you are going to be likewise. Yet, a colossal mistake is always made. Your friendliness somehow becomes construed as flirting and a chance to ask out a girl who they would otherwise not even dream of. You open a window, and they shove a foot in it. Now, yes, granted, there are girls who can't do anything but flirt, but normal people should be able to manage a harmless conversation without thinking too into it.
So, they ask this girl out, and she initially thinks,"Hey, why not? No harm in getting to know another person." It's the couple of days before the date that the guy crashes and burns. First, what's up with the bulk sized text-messages? Apologies for idiosyncracies in previous conversations, and useless questions that take up texting space tend to be the most popular for some reason. Second, just because she said yes to ONE dinner with you does NOT mean that you are dating. It's like they're ready to bring you home to momma already. And you know what? That's why other guys your age are already married and established. Women want to see a guy who has a life of his own. Where he has to make time for you because you are that important to him. Not someone, who is showering you with compliments and jumping up and down all around you because you said okay to one date. How can a woman be intrigued when you've solved the mystery for her in 1,000 text messages and your suffocating hype? As tempting as it is to tell your life story in one sitting- hold that thought for later.
And this is the clincher. What do you think you're doing trying to get a date with her before the actual dinner?! "How about lunch?" "Oh, I just had a few minutes to stop by..." "You work here? I had no idea. What a great coincidence." Don't be surprised if she re-thinks that original date with you. Women want to be with someone who doesn't suffocate them to the point of annoyance. If you are annoying, you will NEVER have a chance....with anyone....ever. Think about it, if you are already annoying and it's only been a couple of days, what are you going to be like, say, 5 years from now? Now, we all know you were just excited, but please, keep your testosterone levels under control.
I've thought of a couple positive comments that will help those good guys get a date AND keep it:
-TRY to be casual; getting all worked up doesn't make anybody feel comfortable
-resist the urge to profusely call/text message; make her wonder what YOU are up to
- hang in there till the day of the actual date arrives; don't try these mini-get togethers before;it makes it seem as though there is nothing else going on in your life
- don't embarrass her at work by a) showing up more than once b) asking her co-workers where she went AND then following after her c)hanging around there, winking at her, throwing out unprofessional innuendos at her. This is her professional world. Double-check if she even invited you into it.
If you've reached this point and she still hasn't backed out of the date:
- RELAX. Remember, she's here because it was her choice. She didn't say at the last minute," Me and my ex got back together last night, so dinner isn't going to work out."
-DON'T start the date off by telling her how nervous you were, and how you didn't think she would come, and how you are actually sweating right now as you speak. Why not start with, How was your day? Easy, simple, and gets things rolling right away.
-Don't be somebody you're not. In other words, if you like japanese cartoons that's okay. I mean, don't pollute the whole evening by just talking about them, but remember your hobbies and interests is what makes you as a person a)interesting and b)unique.
-Listen. Let her talk. There is nothing worse than a guy who doesn't ever shut up.
-If she or you disagrees on something, that's okay. Don't try to win somebody over with your arguement because you just know that yours is right. And you don't have to cave into agreeing with her. If you can hold your own, she'll respect you for that.
-Don't ask for anything more than dinner. A girl can sniff out expectations within 30 seconds of the start of your date. Now, if the date is going so well that there is mutual agreement well then...hooray! But remember, initially, all you asked for was dinner, and you should respect her enough to not pressure for anything else. Trust me, she'll be coming back for more.

7:07 PM

7 Falling Stars

WOW! Half of my world has been turned upside down.
I knew that I wanted to go out of state for college, but I didn't want to be in a whole new place where I knew absoluetely no one. So, I picked Georgia, because a close family friend lived there. On the weekends, I would go up to her house, and it would be so much fun, but moreover it was an escape, a safehaven from college. It felt like home. They basically gave me my own room, with a queen sized bed might I add. We would go out for dinner, go shopping, talk. Since I didn't have a car, they would always without a single problem give me a ride anywhere, or pick me up. AND NOW, they are moving back to CA. I'm going to be all the way out in GA by myself. Nobody is going to take care of me anymore. I'm going to be stuck at college all of the time, and no more deep, heartwarming conversations. I'm going to be all alone out there. It's like, this time it's the real thing. Real life.
At first, when I found out, I had an anxiety attack. Everything is happening in CA, and I have to be ripped out of it to go to GA. I've met SO many awesome people here this summer, that I want to get to know, and build relationships with. This is the first time in my life where I have made such intimate connections with people so fast, and naturally I want to get closer with them, and not miss moments of our lives together. But no, that's all going to come to a screeching halt when I leave for GA.
Do you know what else is so random? Out of no where, all of these guys are interested in me, and wanting my number or asking me out on dates. I find it ironic that they are all over 25. LoL, today at work, this guy (oh man, I don't even know his name?!) came in and bought a large mocha, and he's just an outgoing, friendly guy, so we casually chatted, and of course i'm going to be friendly so that he would give me a nice tip ;) Anyway, later that day, he came by the coffee shop, and asked me if I could come by his store when I get off, because he wanted me to translate something in Russian for him. I'm like, Oh great...So i go over there, and he comes out with this piece of paper, and he says, "Now don't laugh, but I was wondering if you could translate this?" and it said: I would like to take out to dinner. Interested? I just laughed, and said, sure- why not? He's like," I just find you so fascinating, and I had no way of contacting you so this was the only way..." But random occurences have been happening like that lately. And the guy I'm trying to set up with my friend, is starting to pursue me even more, BUT, things are getting better with Mr.Wonderful, which is the ONLY reason why going back to GA would be rewarding. Even though, the whole Mr.Wonderful Saga itself is scary but exciting at the same time. Oh yeah, reason # 2, i might actually get a car in GA since I am stranded out there and need to have some mobility. So if that goes through that will be AWESOME.It's strange, I left CA, because I thought, I am done with it, there is nothing here for me, and a year later I don't want to leave it. San Francisco is such an amazing city, and I only realize that now. Having a beach 30 minutes from my house is awesome too. Where can you get that elsewhere? Certainly not in GA!
I know that there is a reason for me being where I am right now in my life. And I'm sure i'll be okay. Let's see how good i can do it completely on my own?

6:38 PM

5 Falling Stars

I wanna write something...but I'm too tired

Work has drained the life and energy out of me

10:50 PM

2 Falling Stars

What bothered Fiona the most was that she could never tell anyone how she truly felt about Devin. Her friends never even hinted at Fiona dating Devin, which made it seem that even they didn't see them together. As long as Fiona kept this unspoken love inside of her, she could go on dreaming and hoping that one day Devin would love her as much as she loved him. Her love was tender and fragile, and she couldn't let the outside world nor another one of Devin's girlfriends break it. Safely hidden away, her love didn't seem silly or childish. Even after 6 years of nothing but friendship mixed with hidden innuendos, Fiona's flame was still burning. Oh and how she had tried to put it out! Many times she had doused it with water, but even at its smallest, it still flickered inside of her, never failing to create warmth for her heart.
~*~
All of the other men in her life had captured her eye, but failed to capture her heart. Moreover, they would fall head over heels for Fiona, but she could never quite reciprocate back what they felt for her. It was if all of these relationships were doomed to fail, but that didn't bother Fiona because she didn't even want them to succeed. That is until Max came along.
He had been in one of her International Law classes at Yale, and she had never noticed him until they had been assigned partners for a project on the International Courts pertaining to genocides in Africa.
After class he had walked up to her and introduced himself eloquently, "Hello Fiona, I am Max, and it will be a pleasure working with you. We have many resources at our disposal, including my recent trip to Kenya for primary cultural examples." And away they went discussing Kenya, Kenya's politics, and the current tribal conflicts between the Bantus and Nilotes. They found themselves at a coffee shop later that evening, sipping lattes and debating whether Kenya's President Daniel arap Moi was really a closet Communist.They couldn't get enough of each other, drinking in each other's travel experiences, personal research accumulations, and passions. Everything flowed, and as Max walked Fiona back to her apartment they laughed at each other's broken Swahili.
"Wow, I hardly realized, but it's 2 am."
"At least our project is off to a good start."
They both smiled, amazed at what a good evening they had in each other's company. Closing the door, Fiona wondered when was the last time that she had connected with someone so intimately. "We'll see how far this goes."
~*~
Never had she dreamt that she would be engaged to Max a year later. Max had a way of sweeping her off her feet, and his creative romantic gestures never ceased to impress her. She would never forget how he had bought her a bouquet of her favorite glass flowers. Glass roses, birds of paradises, lilies, and gladioloses, in different vibrant shades and glass mediums all stood majestically by her bedside. After Max's last gift, she knew that it was time to lock up her former love for Devin. She picked a small, comfortable chamber in her heart, and put her love inside. She locked the room and hid the key.
Never had she done anything like this before. She was choosing to take the first step, and write it in stone. She remembered how sad she had been. Max, confused, kept asking her if she was alright, and if he could do anything for her. Appreciatingly she would always reply that he was enough for her, and she didn't need anything else. Their love grew and blossomed. It was different than the love she had experienced for Devin. Her love for Max was momentous and vibrant, always carrying them off to one place or another. They were deeply passionate about each other, but for some reason it lacked a bottomless depth-almost as if she could anticipate when all of this fervor and intensity would turn into the everyday love of two married people having lived for many years together. And she knew that would eventually come along, but she wished that she didn't have to forsee it already.

8:50 AM

1 Falling Stars

So in about four weeks (well 3 and a half now) I'll be heading back out to Georgia. Whoopee.....not. Yeah, I'm excited to go back to school because I love learning and expanding my mind, but once again dealing with the social arena? no thanks. Or getting accustomed to a new roomate? Pass. Or asking a thousands times," what are you majoring in?" Skip that too.
I'm not a hermit, but I've just always had this weird thing with people. When I was younger I never had any super close friends...or wait, I had a couple, but most of our time was spent arguing over what doll somebody wanted to play with, or how unfair it was that Suzy got the last ice cream bar. Getting older sure didn't help. I transfered schools in fourth grade, and it didn't help that my closest friend was hated by all of the other girls. I don't remember what we fought about, but we usually made up on the way to the principal's office.
My current two closest friends aren't even that great. We've known each other since 7th grade, and don't get me wrong, I'm very gratefull for them, but...one of them has mood swings that side swipe you like a truck. One minute you'll be having the best time of your life, and the next you wish you never came. On top of that, I always get asked to pay them for gas...so really I have connections with a taxi service. The other friend is pretty normal, but kind of flakey. They just came back from Washington and I'm honestly not that excited to see them. I definitely am sick of dealing with the mood swings. Now, the rest of the summer they're going to beg me to sleep over at their house, which I of course don't want to do.
I hate sleepovers like no other. When I was little my mom didn't let me go on any because she had her rules. If she didn't know the parents, then I might as well not even ask. She also assumed that I would rather just be at home anyway, or that she could just come and pick me up at 1 am and that would solve the whole problem. Thereby defeating the whole purpose of a sleepover. Second, when I was about 7, there was a girl, Polly Class, who was kidnapped from her home on her birthday sleepover and her friends were all tied up. She lived in the neigboring town. I didn't know Polly, but after that, I was so paranoid, that I would shut all of my windows, put chairs in front of them, and try to sleep. That usually didn't work, so my parents would have to alternate sleeping with me until I fell asleep. It was probably really annoying for them,but it reinforced my mom's mantra in the pointlessness of sleepovers.
Needless to say, I'm not that into sleepovers.
So you would think since my friends in CA aren't that great, I would be excited to get back to college? Not so. I don't even know why. Well, first my roommate,who is also an almost best friend, is already relaying to me about how she is going to decorate her side of the room. That includes pictures of us together on her wall. She also suggested that I should buy a matching comforter set because "it was the most beautiful thing" she had ever seen. No thanks.
Another thing, she's extroverted- i'm introverted. Does that mean she's going to bring all of her social club friends into our room every night? God I hope not. Now, don't get me wrong, I have a VERY high tolerance level; some also might know it as non-confrontationalism. Most things don't bother me, and a lot of the time I don't really care about addressing certain issues because I don't think they are worth the time and energy. But sometimes, things can just get under my skin...oh, don't worry, you would never know it because of my 'high tolerance level', but I could be fuming inside. Slowly, I will become very quite, then it will escalate probably to the point where I will have to let off steam to a friend, and if it doesn't fizzle out by that time, then I will probably end up snapping at you for puting the toothpaste on the wrong side of the sink or something ridiculous like that. And you'll wonder who this insane person is that you live with. Well, actually, a ridiculous incident will just errupt the volcanoe.
I don't know, I guess I'm just not excited about dealing with the social aspect of college. Not just yet anyway. I'll probably do another post about this, since it's been kind of bothering me for a while... but this post has gone off on tangents of Polly Class, sleepovers, and volcanoes, so I will end the digression, and pick up the central topic at a later date.

11:22 PM

4 Falling Stars

-I like patterns.
I like taking my lunch break either at 12:30 or 1 o'clock. Not 12:32, or 1:08. I like knowing that the full half hour will end at a whole number. I don't want to do all of the subtracting and adding to figure out when my lunch should end. I guess I'm just picky that way.
-I do NOT trust alarm clocks. The best alarm clock is the eternal one inside all of us. What if you set your alarm clock and it doesn't go off, and you're late to work?? Oh the horror! If I'm working the next day, usually I'll tell myself to wake up at 7:35. And that gives me 10 minutes of leeway till 7:45 when I am actually supposed to wake up.
-I Love lists.
On my days off, I must make a list at the beginning of each day so that my whole day doesn't get wasted because of my meandering between the tv and the computer. And the best part about a list, is getting to make huge check marks by the accomplished tasks. What a ravishing delight. Or, if you aren't a check mark person, you always can opt for the obnoxiously thick mark out of said finished item.
-i HATE being surprised by unaccounted for complications. But then isn't that life?
Sometimes, when I was younger, my mom would come into my room and dust my bookshelf, and she would move my figurines around. Now, granted she moved them a quarter of an inch, but still, I would come in, huff (sometimes preceeded by a stomp...but my mom quickly eradicated that habit), and move them all back to their previous positions. I still don't get it why that bothered me so much. Hmm...oh well.
-I always have multiple plans on hand, as well as possible scenarios, that have been thoroughly worked out in my head. This kind of helps to eliminate the aforementioned possible complications. When I go into a meeting, pre-planned conversation, or outing, I already have a list (there are those lists just popping up again) of possible questions to ask stored in my head, or possible ways that the rendez-vous could develop, which, lucky for you, have all been mentally pre-tested so they are fool-proof and good to go.
Amdist all of this, I am not neurotically organized. Although, I did color-organize my closet once (it was only once...sheesh...lay off already).
And although I love routines, I enjoy making time [within my routine] for unplanned activities. Of course I'm free to hang out...oh wait, only from 6-8, or 9-11. I'm also not one of those compulsively obsessed people who shove their weird idiosyncrasies into your face. My mental lists, routines, and scenarios are all hidden from the world. To an outsider, I am just seen as an average girl, but what lies inside is something altogether unique to behold.
I guess I just like the world ticking a certain way. Preferably by my time table.
[and now i ask myself, why did i post this?]

9:52 PM

4 Falling Stars