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Thursday, September 29, 2005

I'm tired of writing essays. 3 essays in one week is waay too much. I just realized that Midterms are next week. I'm going to die. Because I always do. Things (like usual) aren't working out for me with Mr.Wonderful...and I'm sick of it. I can only take it so much, and my utter pathetisism is too painful to watch over and over again like a movie on the rewind/play option.
My parents are a) stressing me out, and b) are mad at me because I refuse to succumb to their level of paranoia [long story]. It's hard being 4,000 miles away, and not being able to call without being purposefully aggravated. Another thing that is really frustrating, is that for some reason, they think that all I do is fool around here. Every time i say, "well i just have a lot of work, X number of tests, and Y number of essays to write" they always say that I'm slacking off, and that I should be studying more. It's never enough for them. And it probably never will be. I don't do anything, except eat, sleep, go to class, go to work, and study. I only see my friends at the cafeteria and in class, because all other hours I am studying. Oh yeah, and to top it off, is it too much to ask for the tv to work normally without being fuzzy? My favorite show was on tonight, and the screen kept jumping around. I mean COME ON.
Why is genuine affection so hard to find?
I think what kills me the most, is the thing I've wanted more than anything in my life I can't have. I've walked away so many times, only to turn around and come back to it...and now, if i walk away again, there will be no road back. WHY ME?! WWWHHHYYY???!
back to my essay now...
11:27 PM

8 Falling Stars
Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Cafe Intermezzo VI

The next day at the office, she reminisced about how magical everything had been the night before.Yet, admist the perfection she felt incomplete. What was it? Why did she feel so unsettled, when she should be ecstatic? Something within her heart was gripping her, tugging at the door, saying, "Let me out. Don't do this. You never gave me a chance." She knew what that was of course. Her unspoken love for Devin was trying to escape and live within her again- but she couldn't let that happen. She was building a new life for herself; that was the past now, and she refused to live in it. Besides her heart nagging at her, there was something else.
She had never looked into Max's soul. She had tried, time and time again, but the doors of perception were closed. He would either look away when she stared intensely, or playfully ask, "What? Can't get enough of this gorgeous face?" No matter how much she wanted to forget about it, she couldn't. Every time, she would remember that moment when she had seen Devin's soul. It was effortless and so intimate. If she could just look into Max's soul-a small peek- then she could give herself to him fully and eternally.
~*~
And here she was at a national convention for lawyers in her and Devin's hometown. Funny how destiny had delt her this card. Why not make the trip? She had told Max all about the convention, and he stubbornly wanted to come with her. She was not going to lie to him about her other 'convention'. She would never lie to anyone whom she loved. Lying, or omission, was betrayal.
Max knew about Devin. Not in the full sense, but he grasped enough to understand that something had transpired between them. Little did Fiona know that destiny would deal her another unexplainable card.
" Wait, does Devin still live in that same town?"
"Yes," Fiona curiously answered.
"You should get together with him to catch up on things. I'm sure he would love to meet up with an old friend and take a stroll down memory lane."
Was she really hearing this? Her own fiancee was prodding her to meet with Devin, forcing her to face her unrequited love. All week she had been frustrated as how to tell Max about wanting to see Devin, and surreally he had suggested the idea. Only in movies and fictional stories were events set up so flawlessly. Ironic, she thought, that it was Max who had unlocked the door to free her love for Devin. Destiny was cornering her from all sides, pressuring her to make a decision. She had always thought that Destiny would make the decision for her; but Destiny brings you up to a certain point, and after that the decision is yours.
"It would be nice to see him again- especially since we'll be in town." She didn't offer Max to come with her to see Devin, and he didn't expect the offer.
He knew what he was doing, and why he had suggested for Fiona to see Devin. He wanted Fiona to be all his- every part of her, every emotion of hers, every passionate being of hers. Sometimes, he would catch Fiona daydreaming, and it wasn't the daydreams that bothered him- it was that he couldn't always be certain that they were about him. He wasn't threatened or suspicious of Devin. After all, Fiona had said yes to him, but if there was anything in her past that wasn't resolved, the time had come for her to do so.
7:10 PM

3 Falling Stars
Monday, September 19, 2005

I AM OFFICIALLY ADDICTED TO MYSPACE!
11:48 PM

5 Falling Stars
Saturday, September 17, 2005

Wooo

What a night! Craaaazzzinessss! We went out to celebrate my friend's birthday at Doc Chey's in Emory village. The food was really good, and I've realized that there are two things I could eat for the rest of my life incessantly- cheese and shrimp, separately and perhaps in combination as well. You know when you have great company it's always about 1000 times more fun. Well we started joking, laughing, and even obnoxiously loud. Then we went to the CVS next door. I LOVE CVS- what does it NOT have?? Anyway, I have this weird habit of finding random items and yelling out to my friends, "Oh look, I found these diapers that you were looking for" or " Oh my gosh, is THIS the bib that you wanted for christmas??". Thank God for Manali- she jumps right in and we just start bouncing jokes off of each other. Well, I just got more and more hyper for some reason. It's not that I rarely get this hyper, it's just when I do it can get pretty out of control- in a good way of course. So being in CVS, I just start picking up random items that i don't even need. And as we get to the front of the store, I find the most divingly placed item. It was created to save my life [if the need ever arose].


It was a ring. But not just any ring- a rubber ring, that when pushed upon it lit up. Now, my Russian immigrant parents have flawlessly embedded in me the paranoia of rapists and evil men who are out to get me. There is always someone lurking out there, and yes, it is hard to be in a constant reminder of such things, but that is life. [Although, for my children, I would NEVER drive them to such an extreme state]. Better be safe than sorry...that is why my dad gave me a neon green whistle in 11th grade. My father does not shower me with many gifts, so the things that I do receive I cherish...especially as something as valuable as a neon green whistle. I mean, my life could depend upon this whistle, but unfortunately I forget to transfer it from purse to purse.
So, already being in my intensified state at the CVS store, and plus my love for chatting with employees (that's another thing...I used to be really really afraid/shy of talking to sales people or cashiers, and now you can't shut me up when I get to the counter), I embark upon a dramatic presentation of the amazing product that is sitting right on their counter. The light up ring. One of the cashier ladies starts to hysterically laugh, and she really keels over when I say, "This is better than the neon green whistle that my dad gave me!!" The other cashier looks at me, wondering if it was Venus or Pluto that I fell off of. But seriously, if anything ever happens I can click the ring on and create a diversion.
I gather all of my silly purchases and we head on out to Caribou Coffee. Ladies and gentlemen, the Campfire Mocha will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. As it has changed mine more than once. After some more nice conversation at the coffee shop, we proceed to get into the car. An hour long ride awaits us. But, oh, that quickly changes when Manali finds her childhood in Laura's CD collection. We covered Savage Garden, Spice Girls, and yes, even touched upon Backstreet Boys. Manali was singing along to the songs and I was busting out like no other! My dance moves were insane, and I would've kept going until the seatbelt- thinking that we were in a serious collision, pressed me so hard to my chair that I could barely unbuckle myself. It's okay, even seatbelts get jealous.[Or was it just telling me to restrain myself?] To top it all off we came back and watched School of Rock. HILARIOUS! Before we started the movie, I was wondering why Laura came back from her room slightly incoherent. "Girls, I just wanted to let you know that this is a little birthday celebration for me," as she held up a Dasani water bottle, full of nothing other than vodka. Unfortunately for her, I had no orange juice or any other kind of juice. And she eventually quit drinking her acetone. As the movie came to a close, I realize how awesome my night was, and that the weekend is just getting started.
12:46 AM

4 Falling Stars
Monday, September 05, 2005

I just had one of the best weekends of my life.
3:44 PM

3 Falling Stars
Thursday, September 01, 2005

I've been thinkin'....alot

For some reason lately, I've come to appreciate the bonds that I have with close people. Moreover, I've come to recognize the importance of people in our past, present, and future. I used to live by a 'cut-off' policy. If you hurt me, I will cut you out of my life forever. I mean, why would I want to remember you? To me, those people became unworthy of friendship. Undeserving. I think that influence heavily came from my dad, and Russian culture in general. In Russian culture, if you are ever betrayed or a friend is disloyal, they are immediately excommunicated. And that is pretty brutal, because Russian culture is all built on brotherhood and an indescribable bond between people.
But....people need second chances. And I've realized, that the aforementioned attitude is slightly immature, and tends to cause more pain to the advocate of it. If I ever caused any one purposeful pain, I would want a second chance-to make it up to them, or to heal that problem.
So, I've been thinking about the last person I severed out of my life. And I've come to regret that decision. I remember basically telling them that I never wanted them to talk to me again, and that I was taking away the gift of friendship. I thought that would make me feel better. I wanted to cut them out of my life because they had indescribably hurt me, and I didn't want them to have any benefits. But that was exactly the problem. My decision was made out of hurt- because I refused to let go and forgive.
I've realized that, that decision actually made it worse. I don't want to be a person who looks back on their life and sees unresolved issues. Areas in my life that I have created that are negative. I don't want to be a person who ruthlessly cuts people out of their life. I want to be higher than that. I want to be able to fix broken relationships and realize that I can look back and see a bridge that was saved rather than burnt.
I've let go of the pain and forgiven what happened in the past. Why do we hold onto pain for so long? It becomes like this weird comfort zone that we get pleasure out of. But, I guess also sometimes you're just not ready, and then when the time comes you let go.
So now that I am free from everything, I regret to look back and see a burnt bridge. I'm not saying I want an intimate friendship, I just want everything to be okay on both sides. Just for two people to stand on the same side of the river.
9:26 PM

3 Falling Stars

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