Do i push myself too hard? Do i reach for goals, that are possibly unattainable? Is it even worth it? For the majority of my young life, so far I have nothing to show for myself: i haven't written a book, i quit horseback riding, i'm currently on a hiatus in my piano studies, i have no accomplishments from high school. And now, i want to win the world. I want to become an elite diplomat, i want to go to an amazing graduate school, i want to get my Master's in law, i want to be the best. But can i really have all of that? or am i in denial about these dreams? do i possess capabilites to get into Harvard? Can i be amazing? Sometimes i'm just not sure if i live in reality enough. I mean, i've never been so stressed in my life, and maybe that is a blessing. The fact that i never stressed about anything in high school was probably a four year break preparing me for the rest of my life. I'm constantly worrying about my performance. Should i just stop, because perhaps it could all be a big let down? Or should i run full speed towards my goals, no matter how unattainable they seem. I don't know if i've really dreamed. Dreams are things you have to work for. i never had to work for anything in my life, it was either a gift, a talent i possessed, or it wasn't worth it. And here, i'm not just shooting for the stars, I'm like shooting for the 10th planet, Pluto's sister or something. is it really okay to be content with where you are? But if i stay content i might never become great. I just want to relax. I want to have no worries. What if i become a nobody? i just want to know that everything will be okay. in sincere way. I hate it when people tell you, " but you're so smart. you're going to be successful. don't worry about anything." Those are the people who will always be content and mediocre. Their praise is empty- empty words, that fall to the ground. How do i learn to possess all that life holds, and yet not kill myself while finding it?6:23 PM
2 Falling Stars
Do people have an ulterior motive behind everything they do? What would happen if we learned to do things not for others, or expectations of others, but because it is what was right, what needed to be done, regardless of reward or reassurance. Yesterday, my friend let me read the cards that her ex sent her on her birthday. He wrote with such unabashed passion, as if the risks weren't risks at all anymore, but necessary steps needed to take to win this girl back. In his writing, genuine sorrow and remorse was seen towards his actions, and he had come to the place where arguing and deciphering who was right and wrong didn't mean anything anymore. He just wanted to have her back, to do anything it would take. anything. He ripped his heart out and put it on the table, renouncing it to her. She could stab it, she could perform surgery on it, she could take it and mend it. he had come to the place of full freedom and knowledge that he must give everything that he is to her. and only in that place, in that place of ultimate sacrifice would the healing of pain and hurt be complete. I fully admire this man, who had the courage to push through his fears of rejection, dissapointment, and frustration.Did you actually think that I was ready to see you? Did you think that I wanted to apologize, and throw myself out there? Did you think that I planned this? All of those questions can be answered with a resounding no. But i knew that it wasn't going to get better, and that something had to be done to stop the downward spiral that we were in, before one of us did something irreversible to the other. You stated, that you weren't ready to see me, and felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. Two questions: but you wanted to see me on saturday? and you were playing your video game so you didn't have time to come up with something to say?Sometimes i wish that i didn't have to make all of the steps, to solve problems. I always find myself making decisions for others, delegating authority, pointing the way, saying we will do this or that; sometimes, i wish that somebody would make a decision, based on their own wants and not worry about others, or being incorrect, or not 'pleasing' everybody. It just becomes so tiring; as if people don't know what to do with themselves, if the leader for once wants somebody to take authority on a matter. I hate the word depression- it has a stereotypical stigma associated with it. I'm not exactly, happy but neither am i depressed. what is the feeling in the middle? I don't even know what i want right now from life. Besides school, of course. On top of that, i just came out of my advisee meeting, and now my stress levels are soaring. SOARING. they just skyrocketed into outer space. My advisor discussed with me the path to diplomacy. Well, that road is long, weary, highly unprofitable, and not to mention cut throat competitive. I most likely will end up in some African country hoping not to be in the middle of some civil war at best. Secondly, he mentioned about me doing Peace Corps. as a way to get into the diplomatic arena through a backdoor. Third, he mentioned the top law/international graduate schools in the nation which require a minimum of 3.74 to get into. My first semester i got a 3.6, and this semester will bring my total GPA down probably, not to mention next semester where i will probably break my back studying so much. So now i have to start seriously thinking about law school, peace corp., my life. Back to my original train of thought, besides school i no longer know what i want from life, really. I mean in a sense i do, but i guess i'm just weary. Can people live in a constant state of paradox? probably not; life is all about choices, and moving forward. If you aren't moving forward, you are falling behind. Life never just stands still. I knew i threw myself out here across the country, to test myself to see if i could withstand, but i guess i'm just fatigued doing it all by myself. and i shouldn't have to, but as people we choose to. and once again i come back to the conclusion that i need god's help.11:12 AM 0 Falling Stars sometimes, it feels like the only place i can find safety, is here, in my writing. So i saw him. and I offered the branch of peace, and apologized first. Do you know how hard that was for me to do? I don't ever apologize to anyone or anything, and the strange thing is that it was totally a one way street. I was kind of wondering why i didn't get an apology. Not that i came for one. but it struck me as odd; i guess he can't even fathom the extent of how much he hurt me...I thought, if i could just see you it would all be different.It felt like he could care less to see me. For God's sake we talked about the freakin library; i smirked. I did not come all the way up there to have small chat with you, i wanted to have a conversation where i could feel you again. The strange thing is the whole time, i wanted to touch him, or wrap my arms around him. and i thought that was weird. He seemed so disinterested, like he couldn't wait to go to his little mixer. that's fine. just be a man, and tell me straight up to my face that you DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE. do you even want me? And i also kind of feel like all of the blame has been shifted on to me. I believe that this is a tragedy- a conflict between two rights. We are both right to be upset. abefore you couldn't get enough of me; now you hardly give me the time of day. i'm not a whimp, i'm not a pussy, i can take it. just tell me. save me and you the time. I thought that his friends were really cool- easy going, good conversation people, and chill. The surpising thing is that they knew my name, where i went to school, what book i gave him. i'm just thoroughly dissapointed. just tell me you don't want me anymore. i can take it, and it'll be easier on me. It seemed like he didn't even want to be with me. He was more interested about sitting down and chatting then helping me find books- not that i needed or wanted that, but it was profoundly obvious that he didn't want to be with me. When we got into the library, i went to the 9th floor and just sat down in a chair and stared outside, lost in my own thoughts. i could've sat there for hours, but then i heard someone coming out of the elevator and ran into an aisle. I guess i'm done. As much as i want to fix things, i'm not going to try if the person doesn't even want to see me or really talk to me. i wish he would just straight up tell me. i can take it. if you've moved on, it's time for me to do the same.11:54 PM 0 Falling Stars Well i had a pretty good weekend, but the whole time i was trying to escape what my problems were, what i was supposed to be feeling, what i wanted to feel. It was as if I was standing in front of multiple doors, one door would force me to deal with problems, another would make me stress out about school,etc., and i was just standing in front of these doors and refusing to go in. I stopped thinking. I refused to think. So I allowed myself to float, and be disconnected with who i was. I functioned like a human, but I would ignored the persistence of my mind to think. I was sick of stress, overprocessing everything, having to make decisions where there were two right answers.
I have an obsession to find good conversation, to be educated in some new, fresh way; and in turn, each day becomes a surprise. From whom will I learn next? What will be discovered?How will i find it?It's a perplexing passion of mine...And the strange thing, is that I wanted only one good intellectual conversation from a distinct person. I knew i could have a philosophical chat with a plethora of people, but yet they all left me dissatisfied. [I think i could be off, but are you trying to starve me now?]
I wish I could be continously happy. and it's not that i am depressed or anything because of circumstances in my life, for which i could be, but i have no joy. I'm grateful for things that i have in my life, to the point of stress, but i am still rather empty. and i know that only one thing can give me joy, can fulfill all of my needs. and that is God. but i know that there is always a cost. i will have to put away what i want, and how i like to live, in order to receive His peace and joy. All of my life, I never wanted to be stagnant or religious. Religion is the breeding ground for death. Knowledge about God is not the same as knowing Him. And i knew that when i moved out here it would be a test for me. I did that on purpose on myself. To see how strong i really was. Could i survive in a place where i could fulfill any lustful desire and let my wants absorb me? Would the reality of God still capture my heart? Would I treasure His presence still and chase after him?All i want is the reality of God in my life again. I want to feel God's love again. That unconditional love. The irony of it all, is that it is up to me. God is always there with his arms wide open waiting for us to come to him. But we choose not to come to him, because we think we have sinned too much, or he won't accept us, or we aren't good enough. He's just happy that we came to Him. The most happiest times in my life was when i was fully in love with Him. God, I need you, your reality. Reveal yourself to me once again. Set me free.11:16 AM 0 Falling Stars I don't even know why i allow you to put me through this. This week has officially been stamped as the week from hell. Minus tuesday which i think was some kind of unnatural reaction to the after math of what happened. God must've been watching over me, and didn't want me to suffer even more.
I have no idea what is going on anymore? i always knew that i only knew who you were partially, looking through glass darkly. i knew you only how you are with me. who are you really?
i need to know.1:55 AM 1 Falling Stars no need for this anymore either1:15 PM 1 Falling Stars
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
I wish i could have a huge, juicy strawberry dipped in chocolate right nowMy Wish List
i wish this headache would go away- the continuous throbbing pain is too much right now
I wish that my stomach would function normally and that the acid would chill out and the lining would stop wearing away so I could eat a decent meal without worrying
I wish i could lose 20 pounds- just drop it like that; that would be beyond fantastic
i wish my body was perfect
i wish i was perfect
I wish this load of homework would dissolve into nothingness
I wish Nyssa and Kristin would come out here
i wish i could go back to CA....NOW
i wish i had a tv
i wish i had time for the things i want to do...damn prioritizing
i wish i had a car
i wish that somebody would give me a ride to Kroger so i could buy some FREAKIN shampoo so i would stop taking my roommate's bottle and pouring it into my own when she's at work
i wish i was getting a 4.0...so i didn't have to stress about all of these classes
i wish Dr.Cody wasn't ruining my life
i wish he wouldn't expect anything from me, that he would be the Best Friend i never had
i wish sometimes i was a little more easy going, and didn't process everything, and be difficult and just go with the flow....but then, i would lose who i am...nevermind, scratch that
i wish i had taco bell right now...some nachos- without meat of course, and a nacho cheese chalupa...i LOVE fake bright orange cheese
i wish everybody would leave me alone
i wish i wouldn't feel alone...(i do feel a lot better cuz i have Marina hanging out with me, who is too awesome)
i wish i wasn't pressured, i wish i could go at the pace i feel
i wish i could have it my way, but i can't....and you know what that's okay
i so so so wish i could express what i feel
i wish i could be unashamed of being weak/vulnerable/ insecure...but i can't...that damn Russian pride...it holds you up, and then drowns you...but then again it's me too...it's who i am, how i've been raised, my personality
i wish i could just say whatever i feel, with no reservations
i wish i could take off my damn mask
i yearn for childhood innocence, where i can go back and play in the creek with the boys behind my house
i long for life uninhibited- when the world was perfect, when i would look up at the sky and it was blue, when flowers would amaze me, when i was told this is that, i would believe and not question everything
i wish i could believe
i wish i could stop thinking that people have ulterior motives, or hidden agendas
I wish i wasn't so paranoid that somebody is going to tell other people about my life, about my problems, and then out of the blue somebody random will confront me about it. I guess i'm so paranoid about it because that is one thing you lose control over; when you tell somebody something you don't know if they are going to hide what you say in their hearts, or tell somebody when it could be a good story in a conversation.
i wish crying was okay
i wish i could be what i forsee for my future
i wish i could return to the place where i used to be with God
i wish i could feel His tangible presence again
i wish that i would turn to Him again, i used to turn to Him for everything, ask Him about anything, ask Him about His advice and life wasn't perfect, i had a plethora of problems, but i knew i wasnt alone...that i would never be alone
i wish i could be grateful for everything i have and am given
i wish i could be sweet and caring and loving and gentle all of the time
i wish i had water bottles in my room right now
i wish veronica wouldn't go grocery shopping for christina, because she always buys gross caprisun flavors
i'm happy right now
there is something wonderfully beautiful at being awake at 3 am6:04 PM 2 Falling Stars definitely deleted..5:42 PM 0 Falling Stars deleted too.2:24 PM 0 Falling Stars deleted by me.4:49 PM 1 Falling Stars It's happening...2:49 PM 1 Falling Stars
Saturday, March 19, 2005
So Tuesday I woke up with a slight headache and congested, but I shrugged it off and went downstairs to watch my ritualistic re-runs of Dawson's Creek. Did pretty much nothing all day-read a little, ate, watched some more tv. Later that night I went out to dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen with my friend, Jenny. She is so awesome; i'm so glad that the majority of my friends are two years older than me at least (jenny is 24). We had such a great time together, me being a listening ear, and her, imparting words of wisdom to me in my current situation. It's like we have a mutual understanding of each other, each other's struggles, and what each person's needs are. The next day I went out with Kristin and Nyssa. First i have to say that when Kristin is hungry all hell breaks loose. And if she only has one restaurant in mind, all others won't do. FINALLY we decided to just go to Quizno's, after Quizno's Kristin wanted ice cream, so we went to fourth street San Rafael for some Coldstone's, and delightfully there was live music being played outside. Kristin and I both got Rocky Road, and the guy who made ours totally liked us, while Nyssa's ice cream was gross and waayy too sugary ( also made by a girl with one of her glasses fogged up- i have no clue what that was about). Then I went with Nyssa to Eric Keener's house for an hour; it was okay. Then we came back and watched America's Next Top Model complete with the revelation of a bi model and some added faint spell. Thursday, was great too; I hung out with Hanh, and we went to fourth street San Rafael again and sat outside a quaint Crepes shop eating our nutella and strawberries crepes. Then we drove down through Mill Valley. All of Marin County, starting from Novato down to Sausalito, which is the last town before San Francisco, is so quaint. It reminds me of Europe, with it's little shops, outdoor cafes and farmer's markets. Everything is so picturesque and adorable. So after me and Hanh continued to walk around and as we are waiting to cross the street some guy starts yelling obscenities at us. Hanh gets nervous and starts to walk really fast which draws his attention even more. Really loud for him to hear i say," I do not need to start walking faster. I will walk at the pace i want to, and he better not get close to me." That definitely didn't help the situation. He starts following us- this huge guy, who is seemingly high listening to rap music. We finally cross the street to get away from him and he follows us on the other side of the street, watching us. As we are walking, i quickly hide behind some cars, and Hanh follows. Thank god, he lost interest and started walking away finally. Our last stop is the Bead shop. Now, at this store i have to be extremely careful, because i have been known to drop $45 in that store on tiny beads. so i came in and LOOKED...and then i bought silk thread for the shell bead I had bought earlier while shopping with Nyssa. Later that night I watched Beyond Borders at home ( excellent movie that everyone should see) and felt so sick and crappy that i just fell asleep. Friday, my last day, i refused to leave the house so i could saturate everything in before I left. I ended up listening to music, and chatting with my brother for hours about our lives. And today i flew out, sat by a weird, nervous guy, finished reading 1984 on the plane, started The Wheel of Time, took MARTA with Sara who picked me up, went to a potluck dinner, got to Olga's house, and watched Phantom of the Opera. Pictures will be up shortly, but here i am back in GA almost dreading the next two months. I just have to remind myself it's only two more months and then you're done with your first year. just keep those grades up; but there is another situation which has been on my mind all week and has grown progressively worse...11:10 PM
1 Falling Stars
Well i'm back in CA for spring break and it's been amazing so far! and it better be amazing for what it took to get me here...so i'm on the shuttle to the airport, and mind you, the night before I had a dream that I would miss my flight which was departing at 4:30...so I'm on the shuttle, all of the sudden the driver pulls over to the side of the road. Guess what? We have a flat tire...an hour and a half later, another shuttle pulls up, and all twenty of us transfer ALL of the luggage and ourselves to the new shuttle. Thirty minutes later, we get to the airport. My plane has long gone left, and 4 other kids are stuck in the same position. I come up to the counter and explain my situation, and they say the can put me on the next flight- at 7:30. "But, when I called you guys said there was a flight leaving at 6:11?" " Yes, that flight is all sold out." I find that I have to occupy myself for three hours in the Atlanta airport. Finally once those 3 hours are up, my plane departs late, not to mention they changed terminals without announcing it to any of the passengers. After ten hours on the road I arrive in SF airport.CA Part Deux
The next day, me and my brother have our traditional time that we spend together hiking and chatting. We go to San Francisco and walk around Golden Gate park and the beach, catching up on each others' lives, come home to a feast that my mom has prepared. I love coming home because my mom always buys all of my favorite food...so as if I'm not already gaining weight at college, here I come home and stuff myself with all of these delicacies. And my mom is not one to be cheap on the good stuff. The next day we go to church. And it's just so good to be in such a cleansing atmosphere. To be in the presence of God. where he really is. That just strikes me with awe thinking about it. After church, I go out to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory with Kristin and Nyssa. Our relationship used to not be as strong, but once I moved away to college all of us realized how valuable our friendship was. It was just like old times. The three of us, sitting, chatting, laughing, being silly. What more could I want? Then we went to a nearby pond and laid on the grass, chatting some more. Later that night, we went to church again. And it reminded me of how I used to be so involved and on the same page as everyone, and now my life has shifted and my priorities have shifted as well. And it just made me yearn for that again- to be alive, and pulsing with the reality of God in my life. To not be content knowing that some where in the distance God exists, and that my life as it is, is good enough currently. Instead i felt myself being drawn to reach and strive for more, to be discontent with my current apathetic lifestyle, and to reach for God's purpose once again. I almost felt sad, because once i go back to school again, it's like whatever is going to be happening back home is going to be moving forward and i won't be able to be a part of that as much. But that's okay- i'll find my own place and purpose for where i'm at. Then monday, I went to the doctor, got my blood tests done, and was off to San Fran once again for a day of shopping! That was a lot of fun, and I got some summer clothes, although i still haven't made up my mind for what i want my summer style to be like. And hopefully the rest of my week will be calm and relaxed, although pretty much all the rest of the days i'm getting together with people. But that should be fun anyways...1:33 AM 1 Falling Stars
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
1. Of all people, I miss you the most right now- your wisdom, your ability to listen and give amazing advice. You are going to be a remarkable counselor.To Twenty Anonymous People
2. Open your eyes, you are perfect the way you are. Stop limiting yourself, and let yourself blossom!
3. You are an extraordinary person, unfortunately a close relationship didn't happen between us.
4. You have the most amazing ability to encourage me! I am so grateful for you and your prayers...you are truly one of the most caring people.
5. Thank you for understanding me and being there for me during my depression.
6. You've always given your best to life, and even though it hasn't been fruitful yet, it will be! You are going to do great things and go far in life! Just don't give up...it's right around the corner...btw, don't worry she will find you...because you are such a prize.
7. In elementary school we were unseparable, and now we are on polar opposites of life. How sad is that?
8. You are a really awesome person- so driven, motivated, loyal, trustworthy; a true russian. I'm glad we became friends.
9. I'm really sorry that your life has been flipped upside down; i wish i could be there for you more to help you somehow get on the right track. btw, your boyfriend is not The One for you. at least not now.
10. You are really cool. I can always count on you to have a good time...and a partner for a trip to the mall.
11. You are really the sweetest person ever. Don't worry! Love WILL find you...and he will be amazing!
12. You have done so much for me this year, it's unbelievable. Without you, i don't know if I could've survived out here this year.
13. You've walked so far into my life, and i can't go back into masha land alone anymore. Meeting you has been one of the greatest learning experiences of my life so far.
14. I still think about you sometimes, and wish something could've happened. or at least that i hadn't wasted so many years of my life.
15. You used to charm me, but now that's turned into mutual respect.
16. Summer was fun! Too bad you had a girlfriend at the time. oh yeah, get a new personality. or at least change your character.
17. I didn't purposefully place you at the end of the list, but i guess that shows how much you've been erased from my memory. It's so sad what happened. I wish you all of the best, but can you honestly say that you didn't make a mistake?
18. Get a backbone...NOW.
19. You are probably the most important person in my life.
20. You are so beautiful and smart...yes! smart. Don't ever underestimate yourself. You have the potential for anything you put your mind to. Be strong in this corrupt world.6:40 PM 3 Falling Stars god, i'm such a loner. I have no idea why i care to still be her friend. she's like one of those people who you can't stay upset at. Sitting in the dining hall, I was just aware of how many people i knew, but really didn't. La pire souffrance est dans la solitude. All i need is just one friend. only one. but, that's apparently too much to ask for here. i just see most people my age as so boring and immature. but that is who i am surrounded by. i'm more fascinated by my fish, charlemagne, than the people at my college.when im hanging out with my older friends it's so much fun. and yeah, I, of all people know that age is not an appropriation of people's actions, but in college it's a great indicator. I feel so alone. I'm sick of counseling other peoples problems. I just want to have a decent conversation with somebody who knows me. Nyssa would be great at that, but of course she's on the other side of the country. Why did i dump myself out here again? oh yes, the education. I don't know anyone really. and i can't go back to masha land. I almost did earlier today, but i couldn't get in. eto iz za etogo malchika. after i'm getting back from spring break i am investing in a tv. sad and lonely. and i can't bring myself to let anyone in and know that. I close my eyes and let my heart be pacified.
drink up baby down, are you in or are you out? leave your things behind, because it's all going on without you.6:30 PM 0 Falling Stars Here i am sitting on a saturday night, babysitting my friend's children. i come up to her house most weekends, and while few understand my need to come up to her house, i've become content in knowing the purpose. It's not that I don't enjoy going out with my friend's on saturday night, or hanging out with people till the wee hours of the morning, but I've realized that, that will never be my life. And while the status quo is apalled that i choose this over having a 'normal college lifestyle', i have come to terms with the fact that I no longer regret it.
I would rather live in this environment, with people that I know care about me and my well being, rather than persistently trying to find my place of belonging in this new chapter of my life. If a niche has already been provided, why try to materialize another one? And the most important thing is that I feel safe here. I feel a peacefulness and calming presence. Of course there are times when I get bored, but it's almost as if the worries of this life don't affect me when i'm here. The warmth and comfort felt is undeniably real. Now why would I want to trade?
I've always felt like I was older than my age group, and maybe that's why the 'typical college lifestyle' is so unappealing to me. Because of how i've matured I feel like I've missed, or perhaps jumped over the normal hurdles that people my age experience.8:56 PM 1 Falling Stars
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