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Thursday, February 16, 2006

You know how when babies are born they need the constant love and attention from their parents, or else they'll die. I heard that somewhere. Anyway, I think that as you grow older you need your parents more and more. Does that sound wacky or what? But think about it. They are they only people who know every single thing about you from the moment of your birth! I mean not many people know you from the second that you arrive on this planet. And then they are the only people who think that you are absolutely amazing and God's gift to mankind. Especially your mom. I think I need my mom even more now--i dunno maybe it's because i'm so lucky to have such an amazing one. No really, some people don't get the best parents and other people don't realize that they have an absolutely amazing person who knows so much about them right under their nose. I could go on and on about my mom's greatness, but it's better to tell those things to her than type them out.
I was thinking the other day the moment I realized my mom had an actual name. She was always "Mam" to me. You're probably thinking that's a typo. In Russia kids call their mom's "mama" and dad's "papa" in my infinite wisdom i shortened mama to mam. It was actually quite beneficial because if i really needed her the "a" turned into a long stressed vowel; or i could just say mam really quick multiple times instead of sounding like a monkey repeating two syllables redudantly. And then "Helen" came along...which wasn't even her real name it was her American name (the American version of Elena). As a kid i was like, who is Helen? WHAT? i thought your name was know how it is, your parents aren't ordinary humans--i mean in kids' eyes they can do everything. Well, for the most part my mom did do everything-she would leave work early to get my brother to soccer and me to horsebackriding on Wed., piano on Mondays, Karate on Tuesdays for my brother, and make dinner for two growing, nagging children and a husband.
So when i found out that my "Mam" had an actual name i realized that she was an individual too...oh and she had friends--her whole life didn't simply revolve around me. That was a novel concept in a little kid cute way.
ANYWAY, back to my point of this whole mom monologue. This has just been a rough week for some reason, i don't even know why. I'm not stressed--for once; just living by myself with the tv on all the time isn't as healthy as i thought it would be, and i was just going through some social issues, plus not too mention i'm not doing very well in my french class so that's been really dissapointing, and i just really miss everyone at home. So i had a mini break down on the phone with my mom earlier this week. And it was refreshing to get it all out; when i got off the phone i felt better. Five minutes later my mom calls me back.
"Is that place Atlantis that you always talk about, is it far from Georgia?"
Now, my family pretty much knows that i want to go to the Bahamas, and specifically the resort place Atlantis--its amazing.
At first i didn't get what she was talking about
"Atlantis, hmm..Atlantis, i don't quite remember what you are talking about" and then it hit me..."Atlantis, in the Bahamas??"
"Yeah...maybe you and your friend would wanna go there for a weekend just to get away, i could look up some prices online"
"I mildly chuckled out loud, but i was roaring my head off inside"
" LOL, mom i can't go to the Bahamas for a weekend!"

"Well, it was just a thought..."
How sweet and thoughtful is that! That's the type of person my mom is..she will go to great lengths to make someone feel better. I had no idea where the Bahamas trip came from; i guess she was really worried about me--tears can produce that affect, but still it made my day.

Lol, I really miss her.
4:57 PM

3 Falling Stars
Sunday, February 05, 2006


For a while, i was losing interest in writing...well maybe not in writing, but in the process of it i guess. the fluidity of thought. I used to be so visceral with my writing, and then it became dry--or that is maybe my life? I used to get all of these philosophical thoughts through out the day...and then they stopped; and that's when one stops pondering the "why" of life and gets wrapped up in the "because". But they are coming back, and i think i'm coming back to a place where i can write about the internal, rather than simply the external.
Where rambling is perfectly viable.
So i saw the guy who was in my life my freshman year. It's been almost a year since seeing him. And it was interesting seeing him through the prism of an outsider. My friend had picked me up and we were driving to Emory Village, driving past the fraternity houses. And naturally, his fraternity had something going on 5pm. People were sitting on the front porch, playing on the lawn, etc. Among those people was he; Yet, he oddly stood out. Sitting on the edge of the porch, looking downward, he looked slightly forlorn and bored. Wanting to be a part of the festivities, yet at the same time wishing he were else where. Grateful for the acceptance, yet understanding that the communality fell short of fulfilling his needs. It was a momentary glimpse, and then we drove further away. It was strange to see someone after a year and externally nothing had changed, but internally it was all so different.
As much as i like my suite mate, it seems like she has the Indian Club going on in her room nightly. They are just so loud sometimes, it wakes me up--and i know this is college, etc., but i have 8:30 classes, and i just wish she were more sensitive to that.
I hope it snows tomorrow.
Life is too short to waste time being mad, upset, arguing. To put that away, and just focus on listening and loving. To forgive easily, and move on quickly. I remember the time when my aunt called once, and my mom asked if i wanted to talk to her, and i told her no because i just wasn't "in the mood". I wish i could've had that one last talk.
Emory's Cable has the Russian TV channel; when i watch it brings back memories and makes me wish i were in Russia. I am transported to my grandmother's living room, with me sitting on her couch, watching a Russian soap opera. I wish I could see her more often, or talk to her more. I hope God gives her more time.
Tomorrow starts a whole new week...
10:51 PM

3 Falling Stars
Friday, February 03, 2006

I always think that not too much is going on with me, and when I turn around and think back actually there is a lot going on. As I was sitting in my African Economic Development class it dawned on me that i really don't know anything about Africa, and I really don't even know what i want to do. I don't even know if I want to go to law school now. I mean, there are SO many options and opportunities opening up. It's like, i've had my track set for me for a while now, and i'm realizing that there is actually more than one possible route. Like, I would love to do the PeaceCorps...but would I really? I want to get a law degree...but straight out of college? I would love to travel more...but do I have to get involved in internships? And it's okay, these questions are good--because they'll help me figure out what it is that I will be doing with the rest of my life.
I'm going on a retreat this weekend and I hope it'll be fun. I went to a meeting of the Reformed University Fellowship, it was pretty good and the people were sweet. So I just want to get to know them better, even though I am SO not a cabin/camping person, i HATE sleeping over, and then there's always that weird anxiety attack i get when i'm in a group and i don't really know anyone, and they're driving me away into the woods to a retreat. BUT, it's for the sake of meeting people and bonding so sacrifices are being made.
What else? Well the German guy thing is kinda dwindling down, i guess. We chatted a few times on MSN messenger, he still hasn't emailed me back--but he was sick so that's a viable excuse. I just hate, HATE this relationship being online/through email. And the weirdest thing, is that we think a like and have very similar enjoyments and hobbies. And i guess its weird when you meet someone like that, because it's not that they've changed their hobbies because they like you, but they are genuinely interested in the same stuff that you are. Weird. So you find yourself agreeing with every sentence and just being more excited to talk...except that it's online...and the english translation doesn't always come through...but anyway, hopefully we'll get to chat in person when i go back to CA for spring break. And honestly, you can't like someone through email and MSN Messenger...i just don't think it's real...not without physically having conversations and seeing the person.
SO, this whole post has been a whole bunch of rambling.. but i had some time so i thought i would write a few things.
5:19 PM

0 Falling Stars


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