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Monday, September 25, 2006


so much has been going on, but just when i want to sit down and write about it i either don't have enough time, or feel that i would be overwhelmed writing it all out. So i will be brief for my own sanity. Last week was the worst week yet. I really have no idea what's been happening, everything has just been progressively getting worse. But I have hope for this week, it's only monday. And after I proclaimed last Friday to be a Day Off, i think things might be on the up swing. Of course i won't get my hopes up too high.
This past week was monotone, which, don't get me wrong, was a nice change. No crashing and burning. Fall break is coming up which will be nice.
So things with A* have completely fizzled. I've actually practically forgotten about him. Sure, once you throw a brick at him (the brick being metaphorical for telling a man what you think/feeling) he gets it. So now he's decided to email me and suffocate me on instant messenger. When I did want attention he wouldn't give it to me, now that I don't want it he's showering me with it. I was bitter for a week, but now I've come to the conclusion that he's a good guy, just not for me. Friends? yes, but I don't think we'll be close. Oh god, I hope when I see him in Switzerland it won't be awkward. I just hope he gets that ONLY FRIENDS and nothing more.
Oh yeah, earlier this week, I had an epiphany that i've either been driven by fear or supressed by it, and finally I feel like I'm crawling out of it. I just want to live life to the fullest and not let fear of death,danger, ______, stop me.I've begun to write a children's story on fear of living; my friend said she would illustrate it for me. We'll see how far that gets.
12:27 PM

1 Falling Stars
Monday, September 11, 2006

What is going on?

And I repeat, what is going on? with me, of course. I had the weirdest dreams last night, actually i'll say nightmares. And ever since my grandfather died in June, I just haven't been the same. And it's not something I can even really talk about with other people because they don't understand, and it's also one of those topics that you can't really flow into. Thus, I am left with blogger. Plus, actually voicing my fears validates them and the spring of emotions just bubble up.
I fear death. I feel like I'm always living on needles, or like today is my last day and something tragic might happen tomorrow. And, I'm not sure if I fear more how my mother would react if anything happened, because I don't think she could live through anymore devastation, or the process itself. Probably both. I didn't realize how screwed up a person gets after they lose someone, okay, and add not some ONE, but three close people. I feel it. I feel the tug, and the longing of wanting to see someone, of wishing they were alive. It's more than words can explain. It's not a superficial feeling, but it's in the depths of who you are--possibly an aching--for those moments and those beautiful times again. Every day it's a reminder that they aren't there anymore and never will be. But, yet again, it's more than that. It's that the process of death has happened to them, and it is still lingering over me. They have experienced death--something i fear the most. I mean some people fear things, but do you know what it is like to fear death on a constant basis?
And it doesn't help that i'm stranded on the other side of the country; away from my family and friends. And then I feel there is no way to let all of this out, so it just burries a deeper hole within me.
The world is such a scary place. I just want to live. and know that i have time.
12:17 PM

0 Falling Stars


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