Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Warning:the text below is a bunch of sentences strung together.Otherwise known as rambling.I have nothing riveting to write...
I've realized that I live in a state of denile. Or perhaps that is just the way my world works. I don't experience anything fully until a good deal of time has passed. Then, I usually become overwhelmed once these experiences hit me all at once. After my aunt's 6th month commerative service ended today, it finally hit me that she was gone forever. Her absence would be a permanent fixture in our family's life.
It was so nice to see Mr.Wonderful again, and after my conundrum (ending to the conundrum story will be posted later this week) was over, I finally came to the realization of everything that had led up to this conundrum. I hated the fact that I was still talking about the catastrophic situation (that happened earlier this year) many months later after its closure. I thought I had forgotten, but time and time again the same conversation came up like vomit in my mouth. That was when I realized how deeply hurt I was. When I spoke about it verbally with friends, it was always in the form of questions. I wanted someone to reassure me that what i felt in the initial moments when I had found out about the situation, that I wasn't wrong. I remember back in March, that I was always so cautious not to say 'cheated on' because I was persuaded that hadn't happened. But my feelings told otherwise. I never understood why one friend in particular was so angry about the situation. It was the confirmation that I needed to hear. That yes, my feelings didn't lie to me; that what had taken place was what I felt, and no amount of persuasion could alter or make me believe otherwise. One other recent discovery of mine concerning the situation has now completely left me at peace.
I've realized that my dad expects me to be perfect. It's slightly relieving that I have learned to not let his constant nagging and remarks not bother me...wait, scratch that...it's slightly relieving that i have learned to pretend that his remarks and constant nagging don't bother me. I mean practically everything I do pisses him off one way or another. I can never make him happy. Yes, there are moments when he is happy when I have cooked him a meal, or played the piano for him, or responded correctly to something...and believe me, those by far, are the happiest times of my life, even though they are few and spread apart, but why can't he be happy that I am just his daughter? I will never be the perfect little orthodox girl that he wants me to be. I wish he would be okay with the fact that the decisions I make are and will be benificial, even if they aren't his way.
I guess I'm just really tired after a long day of work, of smiling at customers, smiling at uncontrollable annoyances, and smiling in general. Tomorrow will be a new day.11:27 AM 1 Falling Stars
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