Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Ti znaesh kto ti est,
bratishka
I've been thinking about this so much lately, and it pains me to see what you've become, what our relationship has become. Where did that boy go who would play dolls with me even though his friends said it was uncool? Where did that teenager go who would act silly with me and talk about life issues long into the night? Do you remember our weekly chats on life? How enriching they were. I never needed anyone, I always had you. Where did that young man go who would say, Masha, let's spend time together.
I've missed you so much. The real you. It's really unexplainable; I used to take you for granted, thinking you would always be this way. And believe me, i know that love screwed you over- twice, in fact. You've become cold and calloused towards the world, setting unreachable standards for you and everyone around you. I know that your friends left you- or wait, were they ever there to begin with? and the few friends who have been loyal, have sucked you into the suffocating spiral of paradoxal conformity-conformity to the russian culture. Please understand me, I am absolutely devoted to Russia, russian culture, a russian way of life,etc...but you have taken it to the next level: don't talk to me in anything but russian, russian movies are the best, russian techno (although good) is the best, russian slang is the new language, what's the point of hanging out with anyone who isn't russian? and the list goes on and on. You are tipping the scales at a dangerous angle.
I don't know how to find you. where are you? where did you go? come back to me. Please. I beg of you. The person who is looking at me is some kind of distorted image of who our dad once was and some mafia wanna be impersonator. I know, i know...you don't see it this way. You never smile any more. You find my random gushes of silliness reviling. You have to find time to pencil me into your day. In our perfect world, we were always equal gods. Now you have some how become Zeus. Dictating what must be done, and what will be done- or you'll throw a lightning bolt.
All I ask, is that you would look deep into yourself, and ask, are you happy with what you've become? just do it for me. Find yourself once again. Find that boy who could be silly and wasn't worried about what people thought of him; the boy who could laugh at himself. The boy who knew that love was enough; that fame, money, power could never buy the transcendental depth of knowing that you are free and complete.
Find yourself again.
2:15 AM 0 Falling Stars
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