Friday, January 28, 2005
whatever i write next could possibly be completely incoherent and pure rambling, but at least these are the pure streams of thoughts coming through my brain. First, i am one of the least confrontational people, and the tension with my roommate has now elevated to the status where i can cut it with a knife. I have a weird feeling that the head of student affairs sent her an email explaining my side of the situation and she's pissed off. That's one thing i can't live with. Tension. It starts to kill me. I begin to not know what to do with myself. Ignore? play along? be mad? be upset? confront it? Two days ago we were close, talked about everything, now she hardly says a word to me, and after she purposefully turned off the lights when i was doing my work, when she never cared before, now i know. I get it okay. Secondly, i was having a normal conversation with one of my close friends, and we started to divulge into standards and physical aspects of a relationship. Now my standards are apparently very high because i uphold purity and integrity, something that there is a lack of these days. Well after being told that i reason like a 12 year old, and that i am "different" and "inexperienced" (whatever that is exactly supposed to mean), i feel completely stupid. I mean is it that hard to understand? I would hope not, but apparently it is. The replies I received succeeded in completely making me feel like a weirdo falling off of the face of the known world. Things that i uphold as beautiful, rare, wonderful, were in a sense soiled, and said "impossible" to adhere to. To make matters worse apparently "99% of the guys would be frustrated with my standards"- that comment was like rubbing sand all over my face when i had just put on sunscreen. I think the final straw came for me was when it was told to me that i am "inpenetratable"...oh great, now i am a rock... a callous, unfeeling, mass of flesh walking around...god stop crying, how embarrassing...well that's retarded, i'm so paranoid, i'm even paranoid about embarrassing myself...what have i become?? i just need to crawl to the shower, where at least water can wash away the stress of life...So naturally I needed someone to talk to when somebody makes me feel this retarded- and just to my luck, nobody is available...my brother didn't help much...and i wanted to talk to nyssa but my roommate with her NEW best friend were in my room and i definitely did not want to start explaining my saddness...i wish there was a special inter-language that i could just turn on and use when necessary. I was so desperate, that i told her in RUSSIAN (her russian is at the level of a 6 year old) that i could not talk because my roommate was in the room...and she got it thank god! I know my friend didn't mean to make me feel this way, but this is how it happened...And now it is 1 am, and i haven't done my Euclidian homework...fantastic...this has been one hell of a week...for me, for my family,etc...such is life...LIFE LIFE LIFE...to just shut my eyes and escape...i'm running away, far away...back to safety. You are safe, wipe those tears away...you are safe now...it's okay...you just forgot who you are..you are wonderful, your standards are the right standards...okay, phewf, i am back in my sanctuary.back in my world....12:35 AM
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