i don't really have anything new to write. Finals are coming up, and inevitably i'm going to be butchered up into tiny pieces. I'm surprised i'm not stressing yet. I think I'm beyond that- so burnt out that nothing matters anymore. Hell, there is a high possibility of me getting a D in math. I've never failed anything in my life before; i hate subjects like math, that remind me that i can't be great at everything. Damn you Dr.Rogers for making the tests impossible. This is actually kind of a new feeling. I always have these obnoxiously high levels of stress tanks that are stored away for months- it's like an endless supply. I'm like Saudi Arabia in terms of oil. And all of the sudden, I find that the stress tanks are empty. EMPTY! The movtivation pipelines stop flowing, and i think to myself, does it even matter since we'll be using hydrogen powered cars in a decade? seeing as how i took that analogy a little too far...moving right along... I can't decide when I should start packing my room up? The first time we went back to Russia as a family, I was so excited that I packed my bags two weeks before we left. Needless to say, I found out that approach doesn't work since you actually have to wear those clothes before you leave. And my mom didn't think i did a very good packing job anyway...I find myself day dreaming about which item will go into which container. I still have to figure out where that blue vase will go? And should I throw away the fake flowers, and just buy new ones next semester? hmm important questions that can't go unanswered.In the next week, I'm going to write a long blog on the reflections of my first year at college. But just for a preview, I've realized that I haven't made many close friends. at all. It's like I'm the go-to person to drop your problems on, to find support, advice, etc. But i don't really have anyone like that for me. Even my closest friend, she calls me, to give me the minute by minute play of what's currently happening in her world, and don't get me wrong, i thoroughly love hearing about ALL of it, but it's like with my problems, nobody can ever give me any good advice or help. I have nobody that I can call right that second, tell them what's happening, and they will actually give me good advice, or advice at all for that matter. Sometimes I just have an interesting thought that floats through my mind, and would like to share it with someone who cares to possibly take 2 minutes to think about it too. It's like the people you trust and expect to listen, don't have time for you. Yet they know, that you'll always be there for them. I mean, sometimes, they don't even realize that they are acting the way they are, but what's the point of telling them? You shouldn't have to tell your close friends that you wish they would care about your problems more. That's not how friendships work. I'm not depressed about this or anything- i guess i've just come to accept it. And then you think, well good people are hard to find, so you might as well take the best around you, rather than not having anyone. I guess I've realized that i must treasure the old friends that I have. Those are the only people that will walk with you, seeing the perspective of your past and your future.
Lastly I've realized, since the world is a corrupt, conspiring bureaucratic organization, I don't expect anything from it anymore. I don't expect happiness or satisfaction. If you expect nothing, then in essence, you will be pleased with whatever life hands you. We all expect for this grand happiness to beset us; that something magnanimous will happen. I used to want that, look for that. You look for something to fall out of the sky just for you. I don't anymore- that only leads to dissapointment. I've restrategized my approach. I'm learning to look for the little happinesses that surround us everywhere. The little happinesses that we miss on our journey looking for the big Happiness. A pretty unsual flower growing among weeds, a song that describes what you feel that exact second, a new movement you experience while dancing, the library having your favorite cheese during a study break, etc. These are little happinesses, that do just as much as that big Happiness, or possibly even more. They slightly re-establish one's faith in the world; that perhaps, all is not lost, and there are certain untouched elements in life that can't be mutated or abused.1:48 PM 2 Falling Stars
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