This is almost unbearable; I cannot continue to have these painstaking, pointless conversations. On top of which, I have phenomenal previous conversations stored away, just lying there to remind me of what we once had. I think I might as well just throw those away too. I'm just lost, confused, and really tired of all of this. I need to let go of all of this, and get back to living the life I once knew. I was reading over a previous conversation we once had, and it was the conversation where i was telling him basically the same thing that we had said a week ago. I told him how due to certain aspects, namely spiritual I wanted us to stop, and have a growing friendship with a potential future. I had said that in the right timing, when it was necessary. Somehow, all of that got thrown away, as if that whole conversation never took place. I tried to stop myself before anyone got hurt. Months later, the same conversation took place, with a deja vu-esque twist, except this time I was attached. My fatal error. Back then the growing friendship was what I wanted, but that was thrown by the wayside. Now, the growing friendship is coming from the other side. His fire has died, and for him this new arrangement has become more convenient and desired. I'm glad he's benefiting from it, with genuine honesty. As for me, it's as if my mind is disconnected from my body. I constantly have to snap myself out of the fact that it's not like it was, and not to try to want that anymore, or the way it once was. I have to remind myself that i am a sideshow now, and that's completely okay. I wish that when I had proposed this arrangement months ago, it would have taken root and a true growing friendship could've taken place. How do I revert back to how it was now? He seems to have reverted just fine because now in his timing this situation is taking place. What about my timing? I'm not saying that i am just hurt, and sorrowful and can barely live. No, that's being excessively dramatic. I just feel like I'm the only one remotely struggling and not enjoying what happened last week. I just need time to be on my side again; and I guess I just need for my fire to die too. Then I will be able to see what will grow through the ashes and new dirt.12:02 AM
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