Friday, June 10, 2005
*Sigh* i had such a great night tonight, hanging out with my new friends in San Francisco. I mean ALL of them are such great people...and as much as I want to go to Russia, I am JUST beginning to develop new friendships- strong friendships too, but that's okay, I'll still have some time when I get back...and seriously, it makes me even more reluctant to leave for Georgia when I get back. Here, it's so nice, warm, comfortable, great people, awesome atmosphere and there i'm gonna go and be all alone, battling with the same pressuring environment, and trying to do it all on my own..well with God too. Tonight, I felt myself coming more alive, and drawing closer to God...I know that i still have a ways to go on my Spiritual Road of Recovery (I should do a post about that sometime) but it felt like old times tonight...and I miss that so much. The thing I'm scared about most is that I'll go back to GA and i'll slip again...and I SOSOSO don't want to...It's not like i do anything horribly bad; it's just that i allow my environment to subliminally influence me. For example, I become more cynical and critical, more sarcastic, and my language really slips (i just know that these things for me personally have a really negative affect both on me and people around me).Last Post before I leave for Russia
I want to feel God close to me, his presence. And i'm not talking about fake christianity, where one person makes God out to be someone and a mass of people follow it. I'm not talking about people saying one thing and doing another. I mean the reality of God. I know what real christianity is- and i can't have a counterfeit.
All last year I was miserable because I had strayed from God. I mean not necessarily 'strayed', but i was just doing my own thing, living my own life, and in the midst of it wondering why I was SO depressed and why nothing would work right. If you read my blog from a while back, there came a point where i was just typing " I CAN'T WAIT FOR HAPPY POSTS". I mean i was seriously depressed. not in the "i'm-gonna-kill-myself" type of way, but in the "i know there is better out there that I have had" way, and I want that.
I'm not one of those people who follows religion blindly. I have questioned Christianity, I have educated myself in different religions, but i know by experience that only true freedom and happiness comes from God. and the only thing that kept me afloat last year was my knowledge of Christ/God. but knowledge about God isn't enough...i want to experience Him, and know Him personally once again. Anyway that was a tangent (almost like I was actually beginning to write that "Recovery" post...LoL)
On another note, for SOME strange reason, I am drawn to one certain individual at this youth group. Ironically, he is my brother's closest friend as well. I never get random crushes, I never just like someone. I am a VERY logical person- I think the relationship through; if I see an end even before it begins I don't entertain the possibility of anything happening. I don't have random flings/ frivolous relationships, and I don't fall for looks either. So I have NO idea where this is coming from. And it's not that he is hot or anything; he is just kind, gentle, caring, sincere, and you can just sense something is different about him. You know what? It's the fact that you can just tell God is with him. You know those people, who have God in their lives for real? Where it's just overflowing out of them? They are just smiling and genuine love is coming out of them. He's one of those; and around him I feel alive, and my broken soul is drawn to that. It wants to live again- to feel alive once more. And after everything ended so horribly a couple of months ago, I didn't even want to have a boyfriend/relationship. Frankly, I wanted to stay far away from that for a while. Just to recooperate after all of the damage that had been done. And honestly, I have a lot of negative stuff lingering from that, that God is working on me...one example, is not to become bitter because in my past I've had serious issues with bitterness, where it has slowly, internally began to eat away at me, and kill me. And i know that my heart became cold and closed towards God through all of that, so that is slowly changing. i feel myself slowly becoming alive again...like i'm crawling out of a deep, dark pit, and I'm seeing the light once more. And I'm coming back to God again, like as if we were friends who let time go by, and we are once again re-establishing our friendship.
ANYWAY, there are two problems with this potential relationship. First, his best-friend is a girl. They grew up together, etc. And when two people are THAT close ( I mean they call each other their bestest friends) you know that something has to be up with that. He used to like her, but she only sees him as a friend. But you know that could all change, and it's usually those SUPER close friendships that usually something ends up happening in the long term.
Second, He's going to Ukraine to work with orphans for 3 months, and by the time he gets back, I'll be gone in GA (great....). So tonight, technically was my last night seeing him. I gave him an amazing book to read on the train from Belarus to Ukraine, and hopefully he'll really enjoy it (which I'm sure he will...bleh, typing about him/this is making me wish circumsatnces were different). He said he might go see his friend in Virginia, so naturally i would drive up there to see him. And i know that he is slightly interested in me, because his dad came up to me, and before i met him he already had known random facts about me. Secondly, when this guy was at my house, he had seen my art work hung about, and later (actually last saturday) he told me," i just wanted to let you know that your art work is amazing. And i was wowed by the fact that you painted that." so i thought that was really touching, considering i don't even really know him. Ahh, i should post later how we met each other specifically...it's kinda cute. And there's been other stuff that he's said that show that he's been observing the little details about my life.
Lastly, for the longest time I've only thought about marrying one person. The person I've been in love with forever. that's a whole other story in itself. So the thought I've had of marrying only him for so long, has really closed doors or even thoughts to starting a loooong relationship with others. I always think, or hope, that something might happen between me and that guy; or for god's sakes that he would already get married and leave me in peace! But here, in this youth group, there are a couple MARRIAGE potentials....and that's REALLY big for me to say that...just because i don't really think about marriage, or look at people in that way. There are marriage potentials just because the guys here are so great, and they are just amazing people themselves. Okay,this post has gotten reallllly long...but i just wanted to say I had an amazing night tonight...11:37 AM 0 Falling Stars
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