Do people have an ulterior motive behind everything they do? What would happen if we learned to do things not for others, or expectations of others, but because it is what was right, what needed to be done, regardless of reward or reassurance. Yesterday, my friend let me read the cards that her ex sent her on her birthday. He wrote with such unabashed passion, as if the risks weren't risks at all anymore, but necessary steps needed to take to win this girl back. In his writing, genuine sorrow and remorse was seen towards his actions, and he had come to the place where arguing and deciphering who was right and wrong didn't mean anything anymore. He just wanted to have her back, to do anything it would take. anything. He ripped his heart out and put it on the table, renouncing it to her. She could stab it, she could perform surgery on it, she could take it and mend it. he had come to the place of full freedom and knowledge that he must give everything that he is to her. and only in that place, in that place of ultimate sacrifice would the healing of pain and hurt be complete. I fully admire this man, who had the courage to push through his fears of rejection, dissapointment, and frustration.Did you actually think that I was ready to see you? Did you think that I wanted to apologize, and throw myself out there? Did you think that I planned this? All of those questions can be answered with a resounding no. But i knew that it wasn't going to get better, and that something had to be done to stop the downward spiral that we were in, before one of us did something irreversible to the other. You stated, that you weren't ready to see me, and felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. Two questions: but you wanted to see me on saturday? and you were playing your video game so you didn't have time to come up with something to say?Sometimes i wish that i didn't have to make all of the steps, to solve problems. I always find myself making decisions for others, delegating authority, pointing the way, saying we will do this or that; sometimes, i wish that somebody would make a decision, based on their own wants and not worry about others, or being incorrect, or not 'pleasing' everybody. It just becomes so tiring; as if people don't know what to do with themselves, if the leader for once wants somebody to take authority on a matter. I hate the word depression- it has a stereotypical stigma associated with it. I'm not exactly, happy but neither am i depressed. what is the feeling in the middle? I don't even know what i want right now from life. Besides school, of course. On top of that, i just came out of my advisee meeting, and now my stress levels are soaring. SOARING. they just skyrocketed into outer space. My advisor discussed with me the path to diplomacy. Well, that road is long, weary, highly unprofitable, and not to mention cut throat competitive. I most likely will end up in some African country hoping not to be in the middle of some civil war at best. Secondly, he mentioned about me doing Peace Corps. as a way to get into the diplomatic arena through a backdoor. Third, he mentioned the top law/international graduate schools in the nation which require a minimum of 3.74 to get into. My first semester i got a 3.6, and this semester will bring my total GPA down probably, not to mention next semester where i will probably break my back studying so much. So now i have to start seriously thinking about law school, peace corp., my life. Back to my original train of thought, besides school i no longer know what i want from life, really. I mean in a sense i do, but i guess i'm just weary. Can people live in a constant state of paradox? probably not; life is all about choices, and moving forward. If you aren't moving forward, you are falling behind. Life never just stands still. I knew i threw myself out here across the country, to test myself to see if i could withstand, but i guess i'm just fatigued doing it all by myself. and i shouldn't have to, but as people we choose to. and once again i come back to the conclusion that i need god's help.11:12 AM 0 Falling Stars
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