I hate crying. What's worse is seeing other people cry. I always want to say," Please stop." You look at peoples crying physiognomies: their chin is all shriveled up, their face is spotted with red blotches, their nose has grown to twice its size, and their eyes look like their surrounded by inflated tea bags.I think this phobia of tears has been ingrained in me since my childhood. My dad would always tell us," Stop crying! You have to be pulled together all the time, and at any moment." I came to view crying as a weakness; the people who weren't strong enough to deal with their emotions in private, always succumbed to tears. I guess my psychosis got so bad, that one time while I was sitting at 3 am, studying, I finally cracked, and gentle tears started to roll down my eyes. My roommate, was fast asleep-mumbling in Korean like usual, but I, even in my own presence, was embarrassed of my tears. I could hear myself thinking," Stop crying. Look at you, being so silly. Pull yourself together." Then all of the sudden I snapped out of it. It was me. I wasn't a stranger. It was okay to feel this emotion in front of my own self. I was human. And humans cry at times.I've come to the conclusion, that a good cry is necessary once in a while. And yesterday, was one of those days. Like a volcanoe, I take everything in, the stress, the fatigue, the external factors affecting me, until I can't hold it in any more and I erupt. I've been stressed about college, my family has been suffocating me from different angles, and those are only a couple to name. I've been so overwhelmed that I forgot my dentist appointment yesterday, until they called to ask me where I was, and why was I not in their office. Another arguement with my mom-and her tears- drove me to my room. My mom is one of those people who likes to talk EVERYTHING out. I am the complete opposite. I sulk, I fume, and then I get over it. I don't want to discuss the particulars of what is or is not bothering me. And at this moment I definitely wasn't in the mood for a discussion. I could feel my voice start to waver, as my face fought not to go into tear mode. It was all in vain.
Warm, tears started to trickle down. And they were the real kinds of tears. The ones that are uncontrollable, the ones that just tumble down one after another, until you say,"I don't even know why I'm crying." After venting out my frustrations, pointing out some more hypocrisies, and angrily stating," Are you happy to see me this way?!...I need a tissue", it felt kind of good. Now, granted, I had a major headache, and felt tired the rest of the day, but I would have to say it was worth it. It felt like a gentle rain washing away the dirt, and other things that had built up. The sun came out to play today, and the weather forcasts clear skies.6:39 PM 5 Falling Stars
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