I've been on a small hiatus from writing, but in my mind a larger hiatus has emerged. Over Spring Break my beloved grandmother died, and my mother flew out to Russia alone to go to the funeral.As i sit here in the Emory Library typing, I am surrounded by people...people who look at me and could never know what happened; i may look tired and weary--but that is chocked up to an overly eventful spring break usually. I wanted to write so much..i mean i have so much in my mind...i think the hardest part is nobody understanding how you feel, and the expectation that i am just supposed to smile and always be my happy self...I'm surprised how hard this has hit me..then again not really--because when you love someone, and you really love them--not just say that you do, and they die and you'll never talk to them again or see them or hear them again..and you can't even say or pretend that they are off in the Philippines somewhere traveling for a long time and they might never come back home. It's real. and reality hits you hard and fast.
My grandmother had suffered a stroke a couple of weeks back, and half of her body was paralyzed and she had lost speech. She was a real lady, and to be helpless in all aspects was unbearable for her. I wanted to talk to her on the phone, but it was so difficult...I think it's because i knew she wouldn't come out of it; i'm surprised that i realized the implications so fast, since usually it takes me a while to realize what has truly happened and taken place. I had such an excrutiatingly difficult time talking to her on the phone the first time--not because i didn't want to, but because i didn't want to break down; my grandmother had always tried so hard to be the young, youthful fun grandma she was when i was young, and if I didn't treat her like I always had then it would crush her even more..my mom told me that she thought she would come out of it, so that quieted me down and i felt a bit calmer..after all i trusted my mom over my own instincts..they said my grandmother smiled when she heard my voice. The next morning was the last time I would ever speak to her again...ironic how one of my last phrases was about me going to France during the summer and how i planned to come and visit her also...and that night she died. I'm grateful that she had heard my voice that morning at least. The next morning i woke up to the sounds of telephones ringing off the hook..they were strange messages, and among them was my cousin frantically calling my mom's name "Alena, Alena.." I called my mom and that's when she told me the news. i was surprised how calm and peaceful she sounded. I got off the phone with her and started crying.
My grandmother was an unexplainably extraordinary person. She loved people so deeply, and treated everyone with honor and respect. But most of all was the way she treated me--she always was calling me her queen, her beautiful princess, and when someone tells you beautiful things like that it makes you grow as a person in a wonderful way. She always encouraged me, helped me along to become a young woman. We would sit around for hours just talking about anything--family secrets, her fears, my life, about random people; we would look at all of our family pictures, from when she was young to my youth, we would cook together, do laundry together..God i'm going to miss that..to just be able to do the mundane things in life with a person and be completely content; we never fought, never got annoyed with each other, she even entrusted me with her secrets...that's when you know a person intimately. I never wanted to be anywhere else...my cousin would always try to get me out of the house, to go see a movie, to go out, but i just always wanted to stay with my grandmother..and i am SO grateful that i did; i have a beautiful compilation of memories and tender thoughts because of it...I just can't say enough how extraordinary she was...i remember her telling me once, after she had gotten into a little squabble with my grandfather, that you always tell the man "yes" and then do as you know best. My poor grandfather...it was horrible how he found out the news; we had planned to tell him in the morning, so that neighbors would be with him and he wouldn't be alone. One of my mom's friends, after hearing of the news, decided to call him and tell him--so he is all alone, his wife of 60+ years has just died, and it is night time. He could've had a heart attack and died. His blood pressure shot up to 190...that woman, what an idiot. Almost killed my grandfather. It just angers me that she could but into our family life, it's not even her family! It still pisses me off to think about it.
You know, i just can't believe it, i still can't believe it...i can't fathom my vibrant, vivacious grandmother being gone? It's so weird when death happens, partially because it is so unnatural, but on a Wednesday, right smacking in the middle of the week. You can't even wrap your mind around it, but you are expected to breeze on through..I wish i could be with my mom right now..she's honestly the only person who could understand me and i her...my dad doesn't deal with things, or rather, he has already dealt with them before they have even happened..he immediately starts to compartamentalize and formulate when all i want to do is be left alone and grieve. Death, in a way is a tangeable experience of God..when he physically comes down and takes someone's soul with him. I considered being angry, but then i realized that we don't choose to be born, so choosing when we die isn't an option either. It's all in God's hands, and that's what makes him God, and us humans..and nothing more. I just have to trust that there is someone up there taking care of all of this, of everything bigger than life. So i've decided that it's completely okay for me to grieve, be sad, and do whatever else that is necessary. It was so hard coming back to Atlanta, and that was the first time; I've pretty much been grouchy and in a bad mood ever since. The flight was horrible and riding the train system was exhausting not to mention irritating. I was ready to get off at a random stop, and just sit there and cry for hours and feel bad for myself and everything. Granted, this does nothing but push me into a mini depression. But i think that this has been even harder for me because i really never dealt with my aunt's death a year ago..i was lucky that i grieved in my dreams, but now coupled with my grandmother passing it's all become so real. I don't know, it's not that i feel numb, but i don't feel alive. Moreover, externally i have a path for my life, but internally i feel so confused, and lost. Like where is my home? and will i be happy moving back, or me wanting to move is just because i'm wrestless and lost? i don't know. The only thing i do know, is that i can't wait to see my mom at the airport in a week and a half...even if it is for only an hour. She'll probably be my saving grace.10:48 AM 4 Falling Stars
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