When I was 10, I wanted to become a nun, and ride a bike for the rest of my life. I guess, one too many viewings of The Sound of Music.But lately, I've been thinking that being celibate for the rest of my life wouldn't be as tragic as I have imagined it. I've never been lucky with love. Either it was painfully out of my reach, or too close that it repulsed me. I've never had a balance. I guess I am scared to love, scared to be intimate with someone on an emotional level. I am very picky about the people who I let into my life- some are gems, some sneak their way in, and others cross my path only to diverge at a later date. One thing I have very definitively learned about myself, is that I have a very hard time getting over people that leave my life. Hence, why I let so few people in. Each time, a person leaves they take something with them. A piece of who you are- whether you want them to or not, whether you consciously know they have done so or not. I've never had many friends. Better yet, I've never had many good friends either. Last year, at college I met a truly amazing friend. She had the most amazing personality, character, etc. We hit it off right away, and I was so grateful and happy to have someone like that. To have been blessed with a wonderful person in my life like that. And then slowly, she started to pull away. Well, actually, she just traded me in for another better friend, I guess. At first it was slow and subliminal, but then I was completely out of the picture. I tried to resuscitate the friendship a couple of times, before I realized that we had diverged. And still, I think back to those first awesome months- and I would do anything to have those back, to have a friend like her back.
As, I grow older I realize that my heart slowly is approaching the capacity at which it can handle to mend after brilliant people exit my life. I guess this comes back to the age old instinctive approach that we as humans tend to veer towards: Self-preservation.To do whatever it takes to not get hurt. Intimacy opens the door for vulnerability, and the scales can tip either towards hurt or the most amazing feeling in the world. Yet, one must take the chance.
A year ago, evaluating this same topic, I would've emphatically stated that I would take second best rather than be alone. I would've married a good guy- even if he wasn't The One. I am terrified of being alone- not alone in the sense of by myself, but in the sense that my life will go by unnoticed. That I won't have an intimate eyewitness to it. I fear loneliness but it is this same fear that binds me from taking a chance.
Peculiarly, I find myself at peace with my new perspective, yet dissapointed that I could settle for less. On one hand, I am not crazed like the youth of this generation are. Sex, lust, materialism consumes them to the point where nothing is sacred anymore. That which is sanctimonious is the highest that society possesses, and yet it is being squandered and sabotaged by people willing to fulfill their egocentrical lifestyles.
I can see myself, living in an apartment, working at a law firm, traveling to Africa,Greece, Russia, being wrapped up in Masha Land, and finding it oddly comforting but at the same time strangely saddening.
Last night, I was watching Sweet November- a love story that ends bittersweetly. Seeing two people passionately encompassed in each other naturally made me yearn for the same. I have felt love for another before, and hopefully this is just a phase. Maybe, what I really mean is that instead of thinking about vexing topics like marriage, soulmates, the future with another, I am just going to relax and plan my future as it comes- leaving room for interpretation.10:21 PM 7 Falling Stars
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