Thursday, September 01, 2005
For some reason lately, I've come to appreciate the bonds that I have with close people. Moreover, I've come to recognize the importance of people in our past, present, and future. I used to live by a 'cut-off' policy. If you hurt me, I will cut you out of my life forever. I mean, why would I want to remember you? To me, those people became unworthy of friendship. Undeserving. I think that influence heavily came from my dad, and Russian culture in general. In Russian culture, if you are ever betrayed or a friend is disloyal, they are immediately excommunicated. And that is pretty brutal, because Russian culture is all built on brotherhood and an indescribable bond between people.I've been thinkin'....alot
But....people need second chances. And I've realized, that the aforementioned attitude is slightly immature, and tends to cause more pain to the advocate of it. If I ever caused any one purposeful pain, I would want a second chance-to make it up to them, or to heal that problem.
So, I've been thinking about the last person I severed out of my life. And I've come to regret that decision. I remember basically telling them that I never wanted them to talk to me again, and that I was taking away the gift of friendship. I thought that would make me feel better. I wanted to cut them out of my life because they had indescribably hurt me, and I didn't want them to have any benefits. But that was exactly the problem. My decision was made out of hurt- because I refused to let go and forgive.
I've realized that, that decision actually made it worse. I don't want to be a person who looks back on their life and sees unresolved issues. Areas in my life that I have created that are negative. I don't want to be a person who ruthlessly cuts people out of their life. I want to be higher than that. I want to be able to fix broken relationships and realize that I can look back and see a bridge that was saved rather than burnt.
I've let go of the pain and forgiven what happened in the past. Why do we hold onto pain for so long? It becomes like this weird comfort zone that we get pleasure out of. But, I guess also sometimes you're just not ready, and then when the time comes you let go.
So now that I am free from everything, I regret to look back and see a burnt bridge. I'm not saying I want an intimate friendship, I just want everything to be okay on both sides. Just for two people to stand on the same side of the river.9:26 PM 2 Falling Stars
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