I feel like I can't put myself back together after my counseling session. I unleashed a fury of the past two years of my life for 1.15 hrs. There is a lot that's been going on. Some my fault, some not in my control. I guess the biggest thing that's my fault is that I let my ex back into my life for the past two weeks. I really opened up to him; I should've known better. So what if we have an amazing connection...I should NOT have let him in so deeply again. Why? because I was totally duped. He went back to his ex which was the girl i was traded in for. I am so stupid. Honestly, he totally led me on, but then again he thought I had something with this German guy--which we are still communicating, but not to the extent that we once were. Last week was the week from hell. My friends sucked the energy and life out of me, my mother is stressing me out, the routine of school is boring me to tears, and I am weary of life. I just want to be happy. The fear of death thoughts were completely out of control, too. They're better now since my counseling session. Now i'm in counseling. ME! The one who has enough advice to travel to the moon and back. My counselor said that basically I am at a huge reorganization period in my life with family, beliefs, etc. I think all of this definitely is because of my family members' deaths. I was SO stupid! Why did i let him in?!?! I'm definitely paying for it now. And you know what, I totally took the neutral position and was all nice about it, but deep down inside I was feeling like the day that he told me what happened on his spring break with that girl.
I can't just go on smiling to the outside world. I'm too tired for that. But, the counselor did say that i've been dealing with this pretty well on my own. That gives me hope. After my Aunt died i felt like lead was on my shoulders. Well, it's back. Breathe, breathing, in, out, inhale, exhale.
I don't know if I'll make it to my next counseling appt. It's next Tuesday. What am I going to do till then? i guess blogger will be my outlet. I thought i was doing better than this. But, i feel like someone performed open body surgery and left everything out. Now, i'm waiting to be sewed up again. 6:53 PM 1 Falling Stars
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