Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Thoughts plagued my mind last night, not letting me fall asleep. Unfortunately, just when I had inspiration to write on blogger, the internet was down. After finally shutting off my computer I fell asleep.The Anger Well
Anyway, onto the post.
I believe that everyone has an Anger Well. Some draw from it frequently, while others' grows old, full of cobwebs and stale water. But it's still there; all it takes is for someone to find the Anger Well, send the ladel down, and create a stir.
My Anger Well has been very passive for a long time. A dormant volcanoe if you will. When I was a child I had anger issues, that I learned from my father. I watched and took notes: If you wanted something, you just exploded. For everyone else it seemed to get what they wanted. Of course, I just got disciplined. After many turbulent years with my Father, and working hard at covering the Anger Well and learning that patience and understanding are more beneficial than working one's self up into an unpleasant mood, my Anger Well has been very dormant. It's been nice, really.
But things stay dormant for only so long. Now, I'm not an advocate of the "shout and spit rude words" type of anger. That's just obnoxious and disrespectful. I am more of like the boiling--or almost boiling--tea kettle, sometimes the bubbling lava, the simmering pot of water. This type of anger usually goes unnoticed, and I'm the one left dealing with it. Naturally, the harm is only inflicted upon myself.
So, what I am saying after this unnecessarily long digression, is that my Anger Well has been tapped. And I present three angers today.
1. The childish anger. I am angry at *E for excluding me from their Prague trip. Even if it wasn't intentional (which I have yet to find out or not, and i really don't care about finding out), it still hurt. I probably will never get over my childhood and being rejected time and time again by friends. When it comes to friendships, i am an invalid. Not going to waste energy explaining this locked door in my heart.
2. I am angry that the shootings in VA Tech happened. What has the world come to? It's absolutely tragic and crazy. It's wrong beyond words can explain.
3. And the last. The hardest to admit. I am angry at my mother. I finally realized this last night. I realized that I cannot get better, as much as I have tried, because she is still broken after losing 3 family members. She is always sick, always in pain, still grieving. It has finally been illuminated to me. I worry about her so much, and she still hasn't gotten out of the place that she has been a year ago. And i know it's mean of me to demand things of her; but, do 100% what you can to get better, and then you can stop trying once and for all. We are all tired and exhausted. I just want to live and be happy. And I don't really know what that is anymore, because the person I talk to every day has forgotten what that is. The brightest spot in my world has become the darkest. 11:59 AM 2 Falling Stars
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