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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Well, the Anger Well is placid again. I even stretched out an olive branch to *E (naturally I was the only one aware of the olive branch since she had no idea that i was mad), and she invited me to dinner and cake for her birthday on monday!
And i'm not mad at my mother anymore either. I will continue trudging along with her on her path to recovery, however long that may take. I wrote a poem about her last night and it made me feel better; maybe i'll try doing that from now on, when i feel excruciating.
A couple good things happened:
My friend back home is having a baby boy!
And I think I saw the Beautiful Stranger the other day coming off the train. i wasn't sure if it was really him, because he was wearing glasses. But I stared at him, and he stared back at me...I turned to get one more glimpse of him, and I could see that he did the same. I don't know what to do; I could try catching that train again--maybe i'll do that tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
I am madly trying to finish my 30 page paper due next friday. I am currently on page 9, so send happy thoughts my way that I will have strength to finish it and that it will actually be good.
Oh, yes, i almost forgot.
This is probably one of the worst vicious cycles that I have been a part of, but I am still friends with my ex; the one back from Freshmen Year. When one of us is having a down day, or are bored, in a funk, etc, we always manage going down the path that is harmful. Mostly, because he has a girlfriend, and really, what's the point of discussing things that can't change?
Anyway, yesterday, apparently he was in a weird mood, procrastinating from studying, and we sometimes like to type out lyrics on AIM while we are chatting. It's quite fun actually. So he starts typing out the Duran Duran song "Is There Something I Should Know". And then all of the suddenly he says, "No, but seriously?" referring to the lyrics, as if he is really asking me them. The uncomfort level skyrocketed. Probably not for him, since he got to ask the question; but for me, since i was the one, who yet again, must answer the fun private questions. I didn't know how to twist out of it; so i started playing the lyrics game back. I am currently obsessed with Eskobar's Persona Gone Missing, and ironically, the lyrics were what i was trying to say. Finally, i just said, it's okay that i'm not going to answer, and just let the question of whether there was something i wanted to tell him (my feelings)? a. no, there wasn't anything. b. i don't owe him anything. c. it is my right to decline to answer, or to answer if i choose so. d. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. If he wants comfort and sweet words, get them from her. That's not my job, and I will not go down that path for the third time. Two was more than enough. I'm not paying concessions anymore.
4:13 PM

3 Falling Stars


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