tonight was so delightfully invigorating. I've forgottten how beautiful music is; to be able to create such purity, to be carried away to different worlds. Piano is my baby. I am so selfish with it. I don't play for anyone, i don't let anyone hear me; it's a gift to myself. How many times have i been told i am talented? too many. How many times have i been told i could be a proffesional pianist?a plethora. And yet i refuse to share this intimate experience i have with anyone else. In my world there are no mistakes, no wrong notes, no incorrect chord progressions; it's music of another dimension. Music given to me, and only to me. Out of 6 billion people, this ethereal music is granted to me to hear. The perfect anti-drug.10:19 PM
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I thought I was okay after my aunt's death, but apparently I miscalculated, or perhaps didn't really understand the poisonous effects of death on the victim and everyone and everything within its path. I definitely didn't see the purpose in her death, nor do I really want to know it. And then i think, i should just get over my thoughts, feelings, etc., but can one really overreact to death? what ever expressions of sorrow that one feels days, weeks, or years later are ligitimate. can you really ever tell somebody "get over it", "move on", " it was so long ago, put your life back together"? I really think you can't, and if someone hasn't fully recovered from the impact 5,10, 15 years later,that is perfectly okay. Who is to say, you should get over the impact of death by X date? In a society where everything is microwaveably fast, everything is expected to be processed rapidly, and moved onto the next phase. Yet, death, refuses to follow those guidelines; it lingers and haunts for as long as it desires. It dictates when the next phase of life will begin.I am utterly fascinated at the intricate masks that we weave for ourselves and graciously wear daily. what would life be like with no mask? An open exhibit to the public? People would just know who you are; a projection void of omissions and exclusions, but full of transparent verity. This is truth. For in wearing a mask, you wear a lie. Does truth cover the risks of violation, harm, or unexpected agonies that exist? What are the benefits of projecting truth?3:21 PM 0 Falling Stars Ten Random Things About Me:
1. I used to be an avid stamp collector, until i got so many that now I don't know what to do with them
2.I still love horses, and would like to take up riding again one day
3.I hate rollercoasters, or anything that produces anxiety for that matter
4.When I'm 50 I want to start an orphanage
5. I love hospitals; I am fascinated by what nurses and doctors do, not to mention that a hospital is probably one of the safest places in the world
6. My favorite food used to be caesar salad, so I started going to restaurants and ordering only caesar salads to finally determine where I could eat the best caesar salad...needless to say, caesar salad is NOT my favorite food anymore
7.I've never been to Disneyland, nor do I plan on going
8.I've never broken a bone in my body...ripped my meniscus, yes...but not a broken bone
9. When I was really little, I used to play in my closet a lot...i set up a light, desk, toys, because I thought it was like my secret place where nobody could find me
10. I want to have twins
Nine Places I've Visited:
1.Sochi, Russia- the resort of Russia, and also Putin's favorite place to vacation
2.Moscow, Russia- every person must go to Moscow at least once in their life!
3. Cancun, Mexico- almost heaven on earth
4. Vancouver, Canada- has a european flare, but was most of the time overcast
5. Las Vegas, NV- one of the most superficial cities in the world; everything is either fake or a carbon copy of something else
6.Seattle,WA- where I finally found that spectacular ceasar salad
7.Maui, Hawaii- hiked down to the crater of a volcanoe, now the hike back up...
8. Chattanooga, Tennessee- not much to do there
9. Chichen Itza, Mexico- saw the Mayan ruins, simply amazing
Eight Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Write a book
2.Visit a jungle in Thailand/Singapore...and go shopping
3.Go on a road trip all over the US, and not worry about my job or money
4. Buy land in either Sochi or Moscow
5. Get married
6. learn Swahili
7.Go to Kenya and see a giraffe/zebra/lion
8. Live in a small town in Ireland or England for a summer
Seven Ways to Win My Heart:
1.Smile at me
2. Ask me how I am genuinely doing
3.Offer to take me to Alpharetta and I will love you forever...hehe
4.Be passionate about something
5. Help me when I am desperate
6.Be smarter than me
7.Understand me
Six Things I Believe In:
1. God
2. virtuous people placed divingly in your life
3. Self Control
4.Going against society's standards
5. Letting Love find me
6.The power of prayer
5 Things I'm Afraid of:
1. People who want to hurt me
2.Rapists
3. Someone breaking into my house/apartment/dorm room
4.A family death...not anymore i guess...
5.someone cheating on me
Four of my Favorite Things in My Dorm Room:
1. my fish, Charlemagne
2. my art posters
3. My bed
4.My computer...because without it, I don't know what I would do
Three Things I do Everyday:
1. don't get enough sleep
2. Take the longest showers in the world
3. stress out about my grades
Two Things I am trying not to do right now:
1. My national politics homework
2.go to sleep
One Person I want to see Right now:
1.no one really...maybe have a nice chat with Nyssa
5:31 PM 0 Falling Stars
me looking at charlemagne
11:49 PM
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me finally finished putting the tank together
11:49 PM
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all cooped up in his little container from PetSmart
11:41 PM
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putting the rocks into the bowl
11:39 PM
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after receiving my graded barely passing math test, i was still determined not to let it ruin my day. Yesterday, while shopping at Target, i got this overwhelming need to buy a goldfish. Lately i've been studying way too much for my own good- cooped up in my room, staring at a computer screen, etc. Thanks college life. So it dawned on me, why not get a fish to keep me company? Brilliant. Unfortunately this brilliance dawned on me too late last night, so PetSmart was closed. After my international politics test today, me and Les drove over to PetSmart again. I went in there determined to find Charlemagne. Why the name Charlemagne? well, while preparing for my international politics test, i noticed that name, Charlemagne: King of the Franks. And i thought that was the coolest name EVER. So we're in the store, and i really had no idea how difficult it would be to pick a fish. But finally i found Charlemagne. I didn't really like his color, but i knew it was him, or so I thought. Then i was informed Oscars grow to be like 2 ft in length, and i definitely did NOT want to deal with that. Some of the fish were really weird; they had like these red tumor things on their heads- gross. And then in "charlemagne's" tank, there was this nasty blind fish, and this other fish started bitting him, and it was so revolting that i freaked out, and really wanted to puke. So we quickly left the store. I had no idea what to do. Was i even ready for a fish? can i handle such aggression? Over, a sandwich at the Atlanta Bread Company, i heavily contemplated the thought. Les, wasn't too much help- all he kept saying was don't settle for less, because i didn't want to buy a $10 fish- that i thought could also be charlemagne. I finally decided to make the trek back to PetSmart. I narrowed it down to two possible fish after asking the saleswoman her thoughts, and her turning to Les and saying," is she always like this?", with which Les gave a very obliging nod. Thanks Les. As if I don't look psycho enough in the store already. I asked the saleswoman to drag two fish out of their tanks. She said, sure, and asked me which one's i wanted. So i stared, and looked, and tried to find the ones i had my eyes on, but her ladder thingy was in the way, so i couldn't find them. finally she said she would pick the ones she liked best, so i agreed. She brought them out, and i asked her which one looked like a Charlemagne more to her. She thought it was a very interesting question, but instead proceeded to tell me that these fishes' water needs to be changed every other day. WHAT?! i surely could NOT commit to that. "Then go look at Beta fish." " But everybody has Beta fish, i want to be unique." I finally dragged myself over to the Beta fish, and they all looked so sad; I just had to save one. A fiery red one. Les found him in the back of the row. There he was. King of the Franks. Charlemagne. In honor of his royalty, we bought him some pillar ruin thingys to stick in his tank and some fake seaweed. A gorgeous lightning storm was taking place while we drove back. Once we got to my dorm, that's where setting up his little home took some time, and of course we forgot to buy a net to get him out of his little container. So i cut a water bottle in half, and we finally figured it out, and got him in the bowl. He felt right at home- didn't freak out or anything. And thanks to the saleswoman who said that "beta fish are known to jump out of their tanks", i now have to figure out a way to get a lid thing on the bowl. I don't want to wake up and find Charlemagne splattered on my desk. (Could that be considered fish suicide?)If that happened, i would bury him, then put up a R.I.P toy in his bowl and keep it on my desk. Now my main worry is that I hope i won't forget to feed him...11:07 PM
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How do we know when we've taken somebody for granted? Is it when we realize that they are slipping away from us? Or in talking about them, it dawns on you how much they do for you, how much they care about you. In that moment, you realize that could pass from you. Maybe they'll tell you that they are ready to go and share this kindness with someone else, who will outwardly appreciate it. And then you think what if I had realized this earlier. But in that realization, we have stopped the progression of taking that one for granted.Isn't it funny how we always want things our way, for things to fit the mold of our worlds. What happens when you have to let go of what you want, or how you want things to be? However much you let someone in, when they leave they take back with them what you have given them of yourself, leaving an emptiness. It's like a pie, however much of a piece you cut off, big or small, it's still not complete. Then again you could go through life and never know anyone, and no one could know you, and that's not really living, right? Hopefully, when these people withdraw from your life, they leave a piece of them so you aren't empty; they try to leave with the pie still being whole.
Don't you wish you could tell people sometimes the real why behind certain things. Oh, and they'll tell you, "tell me, you can trust me, i'll understand." But you know you can't tell them, because it isn't about them understanding- because they probably could, but it's the personal battle that you have to carry in your life-physical and psychological. For the time being anyway. And when people tell you that you are "different", yes, thank you very much, i know that...but you don't really know why...you know an aspect of why, a part; i've let you see a piece of the puzzle.
Take for example, health. The fact that I need to go to a doctor soon, cuz i think i might be having a problem- i don't think there is a need to scream that from the roof tops. I don't think I need to tell anybody that per se. Or about my other health problems in general. So don't think that you know, when you don't. When they ask you, how long are you gonna be this way, they have no idea what they are asking about.
Or take for example, that ever since my aunt died, I haven't been the same. I have dreams about death, and i forget that she's dead, and then i remember, and a wave of sadness washes over me. It's not her per se that i mourn anymore, it's the loss. It's the unexpected change that has come. Unwelcome? of course. So when people take the paranoias that you have shared with them lightheartedly, they don't always know; or your weird idiosyncracies are uncomfortably unfathomable to them, they don't know....1:16 PM 0 Falling Stars I'm back in the game1:09 AM 0 Falling Stars I didn't want to pollute the realms of energy with this on Valentines Day, so I held off till now.
I usually don't care that much about losing friends. Yes, it sounds awful but this is my philosophy: sometimes life roads run parallel, and then comes a time when they must diverge again. If they must diverge, then so be it. Divergence could be caused by many factors: friends grow apart, a new friend is substituted for a previous existing one, lack of an effort to get together, etc. There is always a future possibility for the paths to cross again though.
So I am rather surprised at myself, that I just can't accept the fact that a friend's path has diverged from mine. I hate to give excessive praise, but finding friends like her is rare: strong, motivated, spiritually aware, etc.
I didn't expect to meet a good friend like her, so when I did I guess I just had high expectations for the friendship, and therein lay my downfall.
I am resolved though-especially after last night. We started chatting on AIM, and she had to tell me to "hold on" about 5 times because she was on the phone with her best friend...and then she came back and said, okay, and I asked her "are you still on the phone?" Frankly, I don't have time for conversations where I am a side addition. As the conversation progressed, my apathetism toward the conversation turned into boredom. Whereas once I would eagerly ask questions to see how her day had been, now I found myself just mechanically feeding the conversation. Needless to say, she ended the conversation with, "I have to go." How typical. Reading over this blog, this situation sounds so trivial, and again, why do I even care? It could possibly be because I've never really had a solid friendship with somebody that was really fulfilling. And yes, this is all superficial, because what I really feel is as though I have been traded in for the "Lyndsey-model." And I for one, am never traded in. Maybe that's what it is. I was traded in, returned, placed back on the shelf.Hmmm.....and that's what I can't stand. Okay, seriously, what does this Lyndsey girl have that I don't? and that is the boggling question. I think another aspect in this situation, is that I can't make the choices; the ball is obviously not in my court, and as of now, i've stopped playing the game. Wow, this feels so stupid. I can't believe I care. Maybe it has something to do with a spirit to spirit connection that I felt. Outwardly, it may seem like I'm in 7th grade unable to cope with a friend situation. The fact is, when truly, good people fall into your life, it is hard to let go12:18 PM 0 Falling Stars I just had an interesting ephiphany. Wouldn't it be great to see 1 million people, or talk to 1 million people in your life? It could be a life goal... Take it a step further...to touch or be touched by all of these people...wow that's powerful. I guess i'm kinda in a weird mood right now. do you like playing detective? i do. what happens when you find something unexpected, how are you supposed to react to it? Were you supposed to find what you saw? will they deny that, that it is not who they are? hmm...the quest of finding one's true inner psyche continues...do we really know the people around our lives? Or do they just chose to show us a side of them? A side that they know we want to see. Do people live double lives, and are we just too ignorant to believe that they are one dimensional towards us? How does one figure out the whole puzzle? an agent of investigation, that i am.
I have yet another obsession: reading the hidden language. Is it intriguing? very. Enigmatic? absolutely. I'm learning to see past the elaborate masks that people show others. What are people really feeling/saying? What truly lies behind those eyes? a mystery, a beauty, a beffudlement...2:33 PM 1 Falling Stars i guess i should write something since i haven't written anything yet and it's almost half way through february. My classes are really hard. Okay, let me rephrase that. It's not that they are necessarily really difficult, I just feel behind in a couple of them, namely International and National politics...oh yeah, and definitely, you can't forget pure math. In my politics classes, the teacher is so unpredictible and he tends to mumble and speak as if he is talking to himself. I hate unpredictibility, because then I can't be fully prepared and in control. It just stresses me out. Then there is the whole never ending situation with my roommate trying to kick me out. Just give it up already. So I told you before that I would move out when your preferred roommate got here, but like I said, neither you or I expected this to turn into a huge fiasco. Just stop adding stress to my life. I feel like everyday, i barely have enough energy to get through. Around 5ish I have this overwhelming wave of fatigue and exhaustion flood over me...and i just resign...what's the point of fighting back...but it's sad, because my new excuse, well, not even an excuse because it's become a realization, is "i'm too tired". Am I in the early stages of burn out syndrome? sheesh, I'm only 18. Hmm...what could i do to alleviate this? Even as I write this, my eyes are slowly closing, and I can only hope that sleep will come all too soon.
6:27 PM 0 Falling Stars
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