Friday, April 08, 2005
It's not that I've been neglecting my writing, but I just don't know how to formulate my thoughts. At first I thought it was because my epiphanies left, but those eventually came back. I don't know, it's like i'm slowly learning to readjust myself and learn to live as things were before- when I relied only on myself. Things will begin to change because the initial rip has begun. It's like a rip on a woman's stocking; once it starts there is nothing that can inevitably stop the run.I guess I'm officially making the trek back to Masha land. I've been outside of the gates for too long, and the people need their queen back anyway. The journey back will be long and lonely. Just a simple, curvacious path through the forest leading back to the kingdom. I've packed memories and experiences in my sack, and those should hold me over until i get to the gate and the Watchman sends out the call for the knights to ride out and greet me. I know the path ahead of me could be enduring, but I wonder what i will see along the way? Exotic creatures and flora? A lonely wanderer? Will there be a celebration for the queen's return?Return to Innocence
Lately, I've been reminiscing about my childhood; not necessarily, the acts of childhood but the things that would make me delighted and lastingly cheerful. The past couple of days I've started to return back to those. Return to innocence. For the longest time i didn't necessarily understand the meaning behind that phrase. Once you are corrupted, there is no way that you can return to your original state of innocence. Yet this innocence isn't stemmed from actions or deeds done. It is the return to the innocence of life. The innocence of beauty. The innoncence of believing that life is good, even if we don't know what waits for us around the corner. We as people change, conform, convert, become corrupted, but life doesn't. It's innocence remains untouched and unadulterated, and we have the choice to go back to it either through memories or new experiences.
I was looking at old pictures, reading letters and emails, reminiscing about memories. I yearn for that again. I've begun to listen to my music wonderfully loud again- not caring that I've heard the song 5,10, 15 times. Strangely, all of the songs somehow correlate to the event that has happened. The songs are gentle nudges and pushes to start my journey back home. The other day i randomly felt like jumping on my bed-that was short lived, because i completely forgot what a dorm bed is; nevertheless, it gave me a dose of pleasant happiness. I've begun to dance again, to express my emotions through the movements of my body, to release my feelings through the curve of my arm and the bend of my leg. Sometimes I lose myself, but the moment is forever captured- and that will never be lost. I've rediscovered the magic of the piano again. God gave me a gift- a talent to play the piano. To create ethereal melodies never heard before, never released prior to that moment. I close my eyes and begin to play. All i hear is spellbinding music, and I am transported to an entrancing world where Beauty reigns. This is my drug.
Most of all, I've begun to paint again. Painting here is not the same as when i paint at home, but nevertheless i must do it. Today I sat down, and was actually scared. I had no inspiration, no image to create. My mind was the blank canvas, and my hand was on its own to create whatever it desired. Once again i closed my eyes, and took a deep breathe. I dabbed my fresh paintbrush in primary blue and began to find that distinct color which would lead the way for the rest of the creation. I didn't finish it, and i want to revise many portions of the painting. I find that my difficulty is balancing light and dark themes; one always tends to overpower the other, and it is usually the dark that wins the battle. Nevertheless, I know that i've begun to return to innocence.6:46 PM 2 Falling Stars
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