Sometimes, and over the years this has become more rare, but this intense, gripping feeling comes over me- a fear of death, a fear of the unknown. My mind becomes flooded with a torrent of thoughts, and it almost goes into a state of panic. When I was four my mom told me that this same feeling would come over me and I would cry for hours. She had no idea what to do; she would try to pacify me, say that everything is okay. She didn't understand why her four year old was worried about death, or even remotely knew the concept of it. One day i came home from kindergarten crying, and my mom was frustrated that she couldn't help me- her words, her touch, her kind voice, nothing relieved me.What happens after your mind becomes disconnected from your body? You no longer live in the present world; Everything is gone. It's even hard to fathom how everything stops. You will never talk to your friends or family again. You will never laugh, cry, smile, experience anything again. You will never have a mundane day again, or an exciting memorable day for that matter. Life ends, in the most complete sense of the word. But what happens after that? Eternity? How do we even comprehend what eternity is? Is eternity the beginning, and life just a precursor to it? Is life a preparation for what will take place after death? Are we even living, or is death the gateway for real life? I don't know why I get so bothered by this sometimes. I guess I just don't want my life to end as I know it, or end before I'm ready for it to end. I wish I could die when I'm old and have fully experienced life to the fullest. But what if it catches me off guard? I've experienced the effects of death twice this year already, and it has forced me to reevaluate it on a different level.
Even in writing this I feel a little better I guess. After that day coming home from Kindergarten, my mom decided that she would tell me about God. She thought that if I already grasped the concept of death, then I could at least to an extent understand God. My mom knew what the reality of God was, and I'm so grateful to her, because she never pressured or pushed me into anything, she just presented me with something real and existing. She told me how my life was in God's hands, and that He was watching over me, and nothing would happen to me without His consent. She said that if I accepted him, He would always be with me, to comfort me when she couldn't, to make me smile when i was feeling sad, to listen to me when nobody else was around. After that day I never cried again about death. To an extent my life was slightly revolutionized. I no longer felt all alone in this huge world that didn't present anything solid to me. For the first time in my young life I felt safe and free- free from the bondage of fear and the unknown.
I don't know why this suffocating surge comes over me sometimes; all I wish is that I could be home, surrounded by loved ones and close friends- not sitting in a dorm room all by myself. Then I think back to when i was four year's old, and I remember that I really am not alone.4:58 PM 1 Falling Stars
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