So, i have some free time so I guess i'll finally write...I'm back in CA and along with that comes a plethora of emotions, undelt with feelings, explanations, etc. Basically, towards the end of last semester I slowly felt like I was going under, weighted down by other peoples problems, all the while realizing that none of my friends had my back. Or closest friends, that is. On top of that, I realized that I had not dealt with my grandmother's death and my aunt's death, and that this crippling fear of death had slowly taken over my life. I began to live as though everyday was my last; telling people how amazing they were, how treasured they are, etc...but to tell you the truth, that gets VERY exhausting. It's not that bad anymore since I am home with my family. I worry a lot about my mom; she still isn't doing that great, and that's hard on me, both emotionally and just to realize that when she is driving me crazy it isn't necessarily because of me or whatever the situation is, but it is because of her own state of mind. The situation with my two closest friends i guess has come to a dead end...When I saw one of them on Sunday, she looked like death warmed over, and she didn't even respond in any way during our conversation. I'm just sick of it all. And i think the hardest part is the tearing away, the loss of closeness. I won't lose anything by losing her friendship--i have friends who are infinitely better friends, etc...but growing apart is the hardest part of it all. When I needed them most, they weren't there for me. And I know you have to voice how you feel, and you can't expect people to read your mind, but you know what, asking "how are you doing?" sometimes is enough. And give me a break, even if you've never experienced death in your own family, you can still be a good friend by caring and listening. Not by asking me retarded things like, "is your mom going to be going to Russia again this summer?"And then there is A*. I don't even know what i feel about him. I didn't feel a personal connection on Saturday when we hung out, but that's because it was a group of us, and all guys. So naturally, the topics for conversation such as cars, and other things weren't exactly entertaining to me. But he is an awesome guy, even to have as a friend. I'll be seeing him on Thursday, so hopefully I can connect better with him.
Even as I've been here all most a week, a trip to Europe sounds lovely. I wish i were going. This is going to be a LONG summer if I don't structure it, I guess. LSATs, internship, researching for my potential Geneva Study Abroad Trip, getting back into playing the piano, reading, etc. I need to make a routine, so my summer doesn't fly by, and I end up realizing that I didn't do anything productive.
I am coming back on top of the water. Talking with my mom, taking walks, analyzing situations, getting perspective, is helping me sort out my life, my problems, and throw this heaviness off of me.8:27 PM 2 Falling Stars
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